NFL Week Six: Letters to the League

To: Adam Jones

Re: ?

Adam, Adam, Adam.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you"?

In this case that hand could either be Jerry Jones or the now infamous bodyguard. Either way, you bit it, and that wasn't so smart.

I heard Jerry Jones told you to keep a "lower profile." Getting in a fight with your bodyguard, in the same hotel that Commish Goodell was also in, is not exactly low profile.

Bodyguards are for protection. Conventional wisdom says don't piss them off.

To: Jerry Jones

Re: Mission Impossible

Jerry, this team will self-destruct in three weeks.

Here's the rundown:

You've got a coach calling his training camps "Camp Marshmallow" and "Camp Cupcake," not exactly implying the toughness that the NFL is known for.

Brad Johnson is now your starting quarterback.

Adam Jones.

Terrell Owens. And seriously, T.O. isn't going to like Johnson's inability to get him the ball. In fact, it's going to make him furious.

You've now got two players named Roy Williams on your team.

Okay, back to T.O. How's he going to feel about Williams catching passes?

Mr. Jones, you've created a monster.

To: Tom Coughlin

Re: May is National Stroke Awareness Month

I saw you on the sidelines Monday night, and I swear I thought it was going to happen.

That stroke I've been so concerned about with you was close.

You've got to take it a little easier over there. You were so angry, I really thought the stroke was coming.

Settle down Tom—you're the Super Bowl Champ. So what if Eli threw three picks? He threw 20 last year. He's on pace for 11.

Don't you know Eli's the new Peyton?

To: Nail-Biters Anonymous

Re: Drunk With Anxiety

Boy, you nail-biters. Sunday was your worst nightmare.

Five games decided in the final minute.

What a way to fall off the wagon.

To: Chris Berman

Re: The New Swami

Move over Boomer, here comes Steve Young.

I saw that Steve Young predicted the Browns to beat the Giants. I know you thought he was crazy, but look at that—he was right!

What did he have to lose, right?

I mean, you on the other hand, while you've already jumped the shark, you still have the self-greatness to yourself to protect, so no way you could go and predict that one.

But Steve, not so much. Sure, he'd have been ribbed in the ESPN cafeteria for a few days had he been wrong, but he got it right, and that's enough for at least two weeks worth of bragging rights.

I'm sure you rolled your eyes when you heard that pick. Taking the Browns over the Giants is like saying the Rams would beat the Redskins. Oh, wait...

To: Brett Favre

Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Eh

Okay, you disappeared among all the comebacks, but that wasn't such a great game on Sunday.

And then I heard today that you called Tony Romo. What on Earth could you have to tell him? You never missed a game.

You told Tony that your thumb injury "hurt like hell, but that doesn't mean a pinkie would be any easier."

That sounds a lot like sarcasm Brett.

Did you also mention to Tony that Chris Simms once played a game with a ruptured spleen?

I guess everyone is looking to rub salt in the wounds of the Cowboys this week, huh?

To: The Miami Dolphins

Re:Re: Wildcat

Oh my God, you guys are so revolutionary.

I can hardly wrap my mind around what you guys are doing with this Wildcat offense.

Talk about filling up the play-by-play sheet. It took like six lines of print to describe that ONE play.

Ronnie Brown in the shotgun, hands off to Ricky Williams, who shovel passes it to Chad Pennington. Pennington then throws it to Patrick Cobbs for a 53-yard touchdown.

So my question to you is simple: If the quarterback touches the ball, is it still a Wildcat?