Hit it and Quit it Tuesdays…A Special Wednesday Edition

(Hang on folks…it’s a long one.)

Hit it! 

Oh Reggie.  My sweet, sweet, relentless Reggie.  If you could balance all your fumbles with punt returns for touchdowns this season, you’ll be A-ok in my book.  All I ask is that if our paths cross at Payton’s Black and Gold Gala this weekend, you’ll let me shake your hand (and grab your tush.)   

Quit it!

That’ll do Martin Gramatica.  That’ll do. You see Gram-endment #1 shall come to fruition. Your ass shall and will be kicked off this team.  We will not relive the Olindo Mare “holding our breath every time the kicker takes the field” era.  We shall not.  You seem like a great guy, a nice bridge partner perhaps, but it’s time to cut the fat. In the words of the ever-insightful Dwight Schrute, “I’m sorry! I grew up on a farm! We killed a pig whenever we wanted bacon!”

Hit it! 

Our defense played like a group of guys who were sick of hearing all week that they’d be trampled by Adrian Peterson and that fantasy football league owners should start “every Viking they’ve got” against the Saints’ weak defense.  Sure there were some mistakes (which you’d better believe I’ll address shortly) but as a whole, the defense held its own.  Special shout outs to Jonathan Vilma, Tracy Porter, Brian Young, and Mike McKenzie.

Quit it! 

11 penalties for more than a hundred yards is shameful and preposterous.  So here’s a little solution I ‘thunk up’: every time an offensive player false starts, he give the Chicks $10,000 dollars. It’s a little project we’ve dubbed “Operation Win-Win.”  (And don’t worry Saints fans, we’ll share.)

Hit it!

“Hit it” is probably the last thing you want to hear Billy Miller.  But don’t worry, The Chicks will be gentle. You proved you can take a hit better than the stock market.  I mean day-um!  Way to not only hold on to the ball but get back into the game just a play later.  That’s what I call knowing when to man the eff up!

Quit it!

You know what Martin…I’m not through with you.  It’s important that you’re no longer on the roster by Thursday…or there will be consequences.  I know you can’t cut yourself, so perhaps this needs to be targeted more toward you, Sean Payton.  I like you Coach and I’d hate for Martin to come between us.  But to quote the great Michael Scott: “Would I rather be feared or loved? Um… Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” 

Hit it!

Kudos to Pierre Thomas.  From the word ‘go’ you were on fire on those kickoff and punt returns.  And had Reggie Bush not done the seemingly impossible, your special teams performance would have been the story of the game.  

Hit it…again!

The special teams players also tightened up on kickoff and punt return coverage.  Definitely not the tackling debacle we witnessed against the 49ers.

Quit it!

Big players make big plays in big games.  You hear that wide receivers? BIG PLAYERS make BIG PLAYS in BIG GAMES!  Prime time presented a prime opportunity to make a definitive statement that our offense can survive without Marques Colston or Jeremy Shockey.  With that said, there’s no room for dropped balls, tipped balls, or mishandled balls of any kind. (Hehe…balls…)

Hit it!

Speaking of balls…you know what Sean Payton, forget the rest of ‘em.  I liked that you called for the onside kick.  Had it worked, you’d have been hailed as a genius.  Now the message board a-holes are blaming that failed attempt for Monday night’s collapse as opposed to the poor execution of our offensive players and our kicker…(our kicker, who you must cut immediately!)

Quit it!

You may not deserve this Kevin Kaesviharn, but something inside me just won’t let it slide. That pass interference call showed such poor judgment at such a critical time.  You can’t wrap up the player without knowing where the ball is.  You gotta know where the ball is chief.  You just have to.

Quit it…again!

Get over your whining Saints fans.  This game didn’t boil down to cheating refs.  Yes, they missed the face mask call.  You’re right.  But I’m sure we’ve gotten away with a few of those here and there ourselves, possibly in last night’s game.  Besides, you can’t blame the fumble on the face mask. The ball needed to be secured.  As for the Adrian Peterson fumble…yeah it was probably a fumble.  But can you really say with absolute certainly that it was a fumble?  Let me put it to you a la Matthew McConaughey in “A Time to Kill”: “Imagine a wide receiver falling to the ground, the ball slipping out of his hands at just about the time his knee hits the turf.  Now imagine he were Bush.”

With all of this said, I think we can safely conclude that this heartbreaking loss will drain a lot of energy from our team.  But it’s not too late to fight back.  All they need is a little inspiration, in the form of a well-timed motivational speech.