New York Yankees: Imagining Brian Cashman's 10 Most Recent Voice-Mail Messages

It's early season for Yankee Nation, but don't be late for roll call. We're casting a wider net of coverage.  Through the magic of our MLB insiders, Bleacher Report offers you this exclusive peek at the most sought-after information in sports. That's right, we have the last 10 messages left on Brian Cashman's cell phone.  

England's Celebrating a Future King, but YN Wants This King Now.

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OAKLAND, CA - APRIL 01: Felix Hernandez #34 of the Seattle Mariners celebrates at the end of the eighth inning against the Oakland Athletics during an opening day game of Major League Baseball at the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum on April 1, 2011 in Oa

BEEP.

"This is the Seattle Mariners.  We have received your phone messages, texts, e-mails, tweets, faxes and Cuban cigars. King Felix is staying put for now. Please call back in six weeks when we are out of the race."

CLICK.

When Did Andy Pettitte Get Caller ID?

Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

NEW YORK, NY - FEBRUARY 04: Andy Pettitte of the New York Yankees speaks during a press conference to announce his retirement on February 4, 2011 at Yankee Stadium in the Bronx borough of New York City. (Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)

BEEP.

"Brian, it's Andy. Thanks for the 33 messages, but I'm still retired. In fact, I'm all about windsurfing now. If Clemens calls, you haven't heard from me. Later, dude."

CLICK.

Keeping Up with the Kard-Ass-I-Ans.

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LOS ANGELES, CA - JUNE 21: (L-R) Kris Jenner and Khloe Kardashian wave to the crowd at the victory parade for the the NBA basketball champion team on June 21, 2010 in Los Angeles, California. The Lakers beat the Boston Celtics 87-79 in 7 games for the fr

BEEP.

"Brian, this is Kris Jenner, you know, the matriarch of the Kardashian empire. Anyway, I know you are looking for another starting pitcher. I’m looking to upgrade celebrity boyfriends for my daughter Kim, or create hot Yankee hookup rumors for my daughter Kourt. Why not let Ryan Seacrest’s team produce a reality show, kill two birds, and make us both a fortune?  It’s all win-win. Did I mention that gold medalist Bruce Jenner is my hubby? Also, our experts at D-A-S-H can accessorize anything with those pinstripes.  I’m a fountain of ideas, hon. Let’s talk soon, sweetie!"

 CLICK.

A.J. Burnett's Gun and Ink Show.

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NEW YORK - OCTOBER 19: A.J. Burnett #34 of the New York Yankees reacts after giving up a three-run home run to Bengie Molina #11 of the Texas Rangers in the top of the sixth inning in Game Four of the ALCS during the 2010 MLB Playoffs at Yankee Stadium o

BEEP.

"Mr. Cashman, this is Leroy from the Plush Gallery in Clearwater, Florida.  Thanks for your message.  Yes, we have done all of A.J. Burnett’s tattoos. We're especially proud of his Bruce Lee, 300, and Godzilla tatts. We agree that A.J. needs some new ink to help make his mental game stronger. Maybe a Mike Tyson face tattoo?  Have ink, will travel, muchacho. We’re here for you." 

 CLICK. 

We Could Tell You More, but We'd Have to Kill You.

Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

DETROIT, MI - APRIL 12: Josh Hamilton #32 of the Texas Rangers slides into home plate during the third inning while playing the Detroit Tigers at Comerica Park on April 12, 2011 in Detroit, Michigan. Hamilton was out from a tag by Victor Martinez (Photo

BEEP.

"George Herman, this is Mantle. Our operatives show no underground activity in the third base coaching system. We think the Josh Hamilton incident is isolated. Your players appear to be safe."

CLICK.

What Spinoff Show?

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PORT ST. LUCIE, FL - MARCH 24: Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino of the reality show Jersey Shore, throws out the first pitch before the New York Mets take on the Houston Astros at Tradition Field on March 24, 2010 in Port St. Lucie, Florida. (Photo by Do

BEEP.

"Bri Dog, this is The Situation.  Just like Jay-Z, I can make a Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can.  My peeps are ready to talk to your peeps."

CLICK.

Can Minka Wear Jaclyn's White Bikini?

Chris McGrath/Getty Images

NEW YORK - SEPTEMBER 04: Actress Minka Kelly and Derek Jeter of the New York Yanklees watch as Novak Djokovic of Serbia plays against James Blake of the United States during his men's singles match on day six of the 2010 U.S. Open at the USTA Billie Jean

BEEP.

"Mr. Cashman, this is Mort Gilliger at ABC. You asked how well you thought Minka Kelly’s pilot for the new 'Charlie’s Angels' will test?  I’m optimistic, but I don’t think it will take attention away from Captain D.  Just tell him to quit changing that stance, already."

CLICK.

Down at the End of Lonely Street.

Dilip Vishwanat/Getty Images

ST. LOUIS, MO - APRIL 2: Lance Berkman #12 of the St. Louis Cardinals returns to the dugout after striking out against the San Diego Padres at Busch Stadium on April 2, 2011 in St. Louis, Missouri. (Photo by Dilip Vishwanat/Getty Images)

BEEP.

"Yo, Cash.  It’s Lance Berkman.  Maybe I made a bad call by going to Beer Town. Wainwright's out.  Pujols is preoccupied.  All Tony wants to do is talk to Bobby Knight.  Hey, the Yankees are famous for sending people away and then bringing them back.  What about yours truly?  Give me a ring.  There's too much brew here.  I'm afraid Fat Elvis is going to rear his ugly head."

CLICK.

The Complete Opposite of Charlie Brown.

Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images

LOS ANGELES, CA - JANUARY 16: Actor Charlie Sheen attends Cleveland Caveliers and Los Angeles Clippers NBA basketball game at Staples Center on January 16, 2010 in Los Angeles, California. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by do

BEEP.

"BRI-AN,  It’s CHAR-LIE.  Duh.  You knew that.  Anyway, Tiger Blood, can you make some calls for me to help make Chuck Lorre happy?  I know that you know everybody.  You get me, bro.  We are both WINN-ING.  Thanks, Cash."

CLICK.

Full Throttle Ahead

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TAMPA, FL - FEBRUARY 26: Actress Cameron Diaz smiles in the tunnel of George M. Steinbrenner Field during a Grapefruit League Spring Training Game between the New York Yankees and the Philadelphia Phillies on February 26, 2011 in Tampa, Florida. (Photo

BEEP.

"Brian, it’s Cammie.  Listen, my upcoming movie 'Bad Teacher' is off the hook.  I did it with Justin Timberlake--the movie that is." 

PATENTED GIRLISH GIGGLE.

"Anywho, I may need more security for games.  Also, I really think some of the wives are making ugly comments about me behind my back.  Oh, yes, I got your message.  I promise not to feed A-Bod, that’s what I call him, any popcorn during games."

GIGGLE.

"You’re a doll.  Chow."

CLICK.

R. Scott Murphy is an award-winning writer, sports producer and marketing executive.  You can enjoy more of Murphy’s baseball stories in his latest book, “Ducks on the Pond.”  Follow Murphy @MentalKickball on Twitter for daily Home Run Alphabet entries.