College Basketball: The 25 Goofiest Players in College Hoops History

At the intersection of adolescence, adulthood and personal grooming lies the world of college basketball. 

It's a world where attitude is everything. Where gangliness is a virtue. And, unlike in other sports, when you make a strange face on the court or have a bad hair day or year, there is no helmet, no aerial cam behind which the college basketball player might seek refuge.

These young men are laid bare before us in all their goofy glory.

Presented within these slides are the 25 goofiest players in college basketball. Although the title of the slide show says "in hoops history," I should clarify slightly to say that these players are all from the modern era.  If I were to take this back to the land of belted short shorts, Brylcreem and two-handed chest passes, we'd be here all day.

So, consider them all a 5,000-way tie for, let's say, ninth.

I should also add that, despite these players' goofiness, they were (and in several cases still are) darn good ballplayers. If they weren't, no one would remember them. So I may poke fun, but at the end of the day, these are all very talented and accomplished athletes.

Finally, since I was unable to find a statistical formula that definitively rated players based on goofiness, you may find this list to be somewhat subjective.

With that in mind, if you notice an abundance of freakishly tall white guys and Duke alums on the list...well, so did I.

Please enjoy.

25. Evan Fjeld, Guard, Vermont, 2007-2011

Photo taken just before Fjeld's daily post-practice sarsaparilla.

The whole presentation is pretty bad (notice how the 'stache is longer on on end than the other), and yet, something tells me he is in on the joke.

24. Greg Oden, Center, Ohio State, 2006-2007

His longtime nickname, Baby Gramps, kind of says it all.

23. Ryan Rossiter, Forward, Siena, 2007-2011

The gangly kid from Staten Island is all long limbs and sharp angles, but he's also the MAAC Player of the Year. His rebounding skills have put him on the NBA draft radar—good news for fans of professional goofiness.

Please let him go to the Nuggets, please let him go to the Nuggets...

22. Scott Pollard, Center, Kansas, 1993-1997

Photo credit: Lawrence.com

Some artists work in oils or clay. Scott Pollard works in his own hair.

Back in Lawrence, he was known primarily for his razor-sculpted mutton chops. But he branched out and oh, did he ever.

21. Dean Meminger, Guard, Marquette, 1967-1971

OK. I get everything except the part.

20. Eric Montross, Center, North Carolina, 1990-1994

Photo credit: NCAA

Bleep bloooooop bleep. Eric Montross command: insert round object A into basket D. Objective complete. Bloop bleep bleep!

It's amazing that they were able to make a robot player this lifelike. It was almost foolproof, but not entirely. He was a little stiff out there, if you recall.

Even his jersey number was in binary code.

19. Michael Cage, Center, San Diego State, 1980-1984

Remember when he recited Ezekiel 25:17 right before he popped a cap in his opponents? That was awesome.

I'm telling you for the last time, Michael. Foot massages DO mean something. They just do.

18. Jon Scheyer, Guard, Duke, 2006-2010

Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

INDIANAPOLIS - APRIL 05: Jon Scheyer #30 of the Duke Blue Devils celebrates after they won 61-59 against the Butler Bulldogs during the 2010 NCAA Division I Men's Basketball National Championship game at Lucas Oil Stadium on April 5, 2010 in Indianapolis

When a small army of Internet writers is making literally tens of dollars on the sole basis of your goofy facial expressions, you deserve to make this list.

And if you don't believe me, do a Web search some time on "Jon Scheyer face." Then just sit back and enjoy the GIFs.

17. Patrick Ewing, Center, Georgetown, 1981-1985

Photo credit: Sports Illustrated

You know that style where college players (centers especially) wear T-shirts under their jerseys? 

Well, you have Patrick Ewing to thank for that. Go ahead. Thank him.

16. Kevin Pittsnogle, Forward, West Virginia, 2003-2006

"When I get to the pros, I'ma buy me a Trans Am!"*

The unabashedly red-necked Pittsnogle became something of a folk hero in Morgantown. And to give credit where it's due, he did help put the program on an upward trajectory that culminated with a Final Four appearance in 2010.

As for his game, the 6'11" 'Snogle did two things well on the court, and two things only: shoot threes and rock sparse facial hair. 

*Quote made up by me.

15. Mike Dunleavy, Forward, Duke, 1999-2002

Behold...the Pale Rider.

14. Keith Lee, Center, Memphis State, 1981-1985

Coach: Now when you get out there, don't forget to flash over to the weak side right when they reverse, cause it means they're gonna go for the bucket. Hear me?

Lee:  ...

Coach: Keith! I'm talkin' to you, son!

Lee: Hello?

Coach: Yes?

Lee:  Is it...me you're looking for?

Coach: Keith. Need you with me, bud.

Lee: I can see it in your eyes.

Coach:  ...

Lee:  I can see it in your smile.

Coach: Keith, listen to me, son. You have GOT to cut down on the activator.

13. Tamir Goodman, Forward, Towson, 2000-2001

The Jewish Jordan lives.

Tamir Goodman was a tall, gangly, redheaded player with a sugary sweet game honed on the playgrounds of North Baltimore. It made him one of the top-rated players nationally for his graduating class.

Maryland offered him a scholarship, but things fell apart when Goodman, who is Orthodox Jewish, refused to play on the sabbath, which rules out Friday night and Saturday games.

Kind of a deal breaker.

Though you certainly have to tip your cap to Goodman for sticking to his beliefs when doing just about anything else would have been easier.

He went on to play two unremarkable seasons up the road at Towson, but eventually left the team to play in Israel. Luckily, however, JJ's legacy endures.

12. Shelden Williams, Center, Duke, 2002-2006

Sometimes, words just seem superfluous.

11. Bryant "Big Country" Reeves, Center, Oklahoma State, 1991-1995

This favorite son of Fort Smith, Ark., led the Cowboys to their first Final Four all the way back in 1995.

General rule of thumb: When you're a college basketball player who goes 7'0" and about three bills, and you're built like the front end of a 16-wheeler, dominance is usually a likely outcome. 

10. Brian Cardinal, Forward, Purdue, 1995-2000

Photo Credit: PurdueSports.com

Give it up for Charlie Hustle, the Big Ten version.

With a blush in his cheeks, bulky pads on both knees and a receding blond hairline, Cardinal didn't exactly look like all-conference material.

But in the mid-90s, when the Boilermakers needed something—a rebound, a foul call, a floor burn—Cardinal was there to answer.

9. Nigel "Big Jelly" Dixon, Florida State and Western Kentucky, 1999-2004

I believe he earned his nickname thanks to a large fruit-canning operation he ran out of his Tallahassee apartment.

Dixon is an overlooked and under-appreciated hero in the world of goofy college ballers.Standing about 7'0'' and weighing almost 400 pounds at times, "Big Jelly" became a local folk hero for needing special "Nigel-sized" attire.

To his credit, Dixon eventually slimmed down and even spent some time in the NBA. But to hardcore ACC hoopheads, he'll always be Big Jelly.

8. Larry Bird, Forward, Indiana State, 1976-1979

The ultimate proof that goofy can be glorious.

Seriously. If you ever want to teach a kid not to judge a book by its cover, tell him or her the story of Larry Bird.

The illustrated version.

7. Mark Madsen, Forward, Stanford, 1996-2000

Madsen was a good player for Stanford, and most of his college career (not to mention the entirety of his professional tenure) was defined by goofy dancing. That's what he's known for: goofy dancing.

Welcome to the Top 10, Mark Madsen.

And if that wasn't enough, his middle name is Ellsworth. And he's an Eagle Scout.  Wheeee!

6. Adam Morrison, Forward, Gonzaga, 2003-2006

I don't understand guys who have facial hair like this. It's almost sociopathic. And Morrison takes it to a very special level. 

It's like he had a bet going to see how quickly he could be banned from the nation's elementary schools without actually breaking any laws.

It was sad to see him lose his mind like this on the court back in 2006. Funny thing was, when he started his weeping jag, there was still time on the clock and UCLA was only up by a basket.

Adam, Goofy just left a comment. He's concerned you're a little too goofy.

5. J.J. Redick, Guard, Duke, 2002-2006

Now that's gangsta.

Being one of the goofiest and most reviled players in Duke history—now that's saying something.

Give credit where it's due: a lot of that Haterade had to do with his deadly shooting stroke. Then again, it also had a lot to do with things like his poetry. Feel free to click the link, or, if you'll indulge me, you can read along below (ahem):

Untitled
By Jonathan Clay "J.J." Redick

No bandage can cover my scars
It's hard living a life behind invisible bars
Searching for the face of God
I'm only inspired by the poems of Nas
Because the truth has carved my life's patterns
The reality of pain, and the joy of laughter
My hopes and dreams shattered
by the miscalculation of my own situation
It's difficult to keep my nerves patient
Facing the forecast of fears
that none of my peers have ever been faced with
I wanna reach the top floor, but I'm stuck in the basement
With not enough juice to burst through
the chains that have shackled my brain
It seems my dreams have carried me to a separate peace
apart from reality
Society is allowing me to grow into the man I'm destined to become
But how can I move when my entire skeleton is numb?
Numb from the obstacles that I've been given
Suddenly the bars connect to walls
and I find myself contained inside life's prison

4. Dwayne Schnitzius, Center, Florida, 1986-1990

I don't actually have to explain this one, do I?

3. Joakim Noah, Center, Florida, 2004-2006

I know it's not a college picture, but the image is just too perfect.

For better or worse, Noah has embraced his inner goofball and seems to bask in the vitriol that college—and now pro—basketball fans throw his way every road game.

But as a two-time college champion and now a key member of the best young team in the NBA, Noah is also well-accustomed to having the last laugh.

2. Shawn Bradley, Center, Brigham Young University, 1990

Another picture from the pros that was just too good to pass up.

Then again, finding unflattering pictures of Bradley on the Internet is like finding Jheri Curl activator in Keith Lee's locker. All you have to do is look.

Before he found his way onto dunk posters across the nation, Bradley was a standout for one season with the Cougars, leading the team to the NCAA tourney's second round and setting what was then a tourney record with 10 blocks in a game (some guy by the nickname of Shaq broke that record the following year).

But these accomplishments pale (no pun intended) in comparison to his real claim to fame: he is, almost, the goofiest player in college basketball history. Second only to...

1. Christian Laettner, Forward, Duke, 1988-1992

Part Brian Boitano after winning the figure-skating gold in Calgary, part Brandon Walsh after finally getting Kelly to go out with him.  I don't know whether to give him my keys or give him a 6.0.

In any event, Laettner will always go down in my history book as the last bastion of the short shorts, the keeper of the feathered hair and the epitome of the goofy college basketball player.

Good night, sweet prince. May you prance down the court on an endless loop—and for all time.