NFL Week Five: Letters to the League

To: Sage Rosenfels

Re: Four Minutes That Will Change Your Life

Oh Sage.

This is how your day began: Coach Kubiak comes to you and says, "Sagey, Schaub's sick. You're in today. Get us a win."

You realize this is your big chance of the season. You played well in spot duty last year, and I know you heard the talk in Houston that maybe, just maybe, you should be the starting QB.

You played so well all game man, until there were about six minutes left in the game.

Then what happened?

That's not a rhetorical question, Sage—seriously, what happened?

All you had to do was get that first down. Heck man, you had the first down—all you had to do was go down and get back up with the ball.

Instead you did some kind of crazy jump-helicopter move (a la John Elway, but no one's confusing you with Elway today), and of course the ball came out.

It didn't end there though—two fumbles and an interception in about four minutes. You lost the game for the entire team in four minutes. The Texans had a 10-point lead!

Schaub wasn't the only one sick on Sunday. After all of that, the entire city of Houston is sick.

I think you blew it.

To: Marty Booker and Reggie Wayne

Re: Sick Catches

You guys and your one-handed catches.

Reggie, as if the game wasn't exciting enough, that catch was awesome. You got all acrobatic on that Texans defender, spinning your body around, spread-eagle at one point, and grabbed the ball on its point with one hand. Your hands must be huge.

And M.B., I won't forget you. Yours was cool as well. The Lions' defender was basically pushing you out of bounds, hence the flag, and you reached over his shoulder, almost to the ground, and plucked that one before it hit the ground.

I know Kyle Orton and his beard were loving you after that one.

To: Aaron Rodgers

Re: Postgame Appearance

A smart man once told me, "Dress like the person with the job you want."

Now, I'm not saying you want to be Brett Favre, because we all know he never won any best-dressed awards (he's a spokesman for Wrangler, for crying out loud), but I think you can do better than what you showed in the postgame after the Packers' loss.

I know Green Bay is a blue-collar kind of town, but isn't Indy as well (and we never see Peyton looking anything less than dapper)? I mean, you were wearing a black beanie that fit you oddly. It was way up on your forehead, making it almost look like a top hat.

Combine that with the white thermal you were wearing, and you looked more like a University of Wisconsin ag student than a professional quarterback.

Take a page from the book of the winning quarterback, Matt Ryan. He looked like a winner with that suit and not a hair out of place.

You can do better, Aaron. I know you can.

To: Jon Kitna

Re: Looking Ugly

You think maybe it's time to start thinking about retirement?

I know, I know, the 401(k) looks shaky right now, but when you start throwing the ball to spots on the field where no receiver, not even a defender (so you can't use that "I got confused" excuse), is located, it might be something to consider.

It's a mess up there in Detroit, man.

The GM is out. The coach is probably next—the dead-man-walking syndrome.

You guys have two great receivers, but if no one has the ability to get the ball to them, they mean nothing. They're just glorified blockers for a running game that doesn't exist because you guys can't build a lead.

Roy Williams looked pissed on Sunday.

He's big and scary—that's another good reason to retire.

To: The Miami Dolphins

Re: Wildcat

You know what? Do you even need a quarterback?

Hike it to Ronnie Brown and let him throw it occasionally, run it himself, or hand it off to Ricky Williams.

In fact, my offer to the Steelers last week is still open. Their running back situation is clearing itself up, so I say cut Chad Pennington, pay me one-tenth of the salary, and I'll be your decoy.

Even if you don't use me, having Ronnie Brown play those two positions will free up some money, and you know The Tuna will spend it wisely.

To: Brett Favre

Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Eh

Okay, it's a bye week, so there's little I can say.

And after last week's performance, maybe I'm changing my tune a little...

...just a little.

To: Kyle Orton's Beard

Re: Looking Forward to the Winter

You make Kyle Orton look like a quarterback. Dan Fouts anyone?

Okay, so much is made of you on Kyle's face. There's a lot of discussion about the actual classification of you as a "neck beard." Now, I'm no expert, but you don't seem to go that far down on his neck.

You certainly help him do his job though. I don't recall whether you were around during his non-starting days, but I'm going to assume you weren't.

But you were there for his magical run in 2005 as the starter. What a season that was.

Obviously you convinced him to bring you back, and clearly that was the right choice for Kyle. Grossman and his baby face are a distant memory.

I heard though that Kyle's wife is not too fond of you.

My wife's not fond of mine either, but that's okay—it's football season!

My beard though is not quite as full-looking as I'd like it to be. I'll see if I can get it in touch with you.

To: Al Davis

Re: Tough to Lick

I heard you had some things to say after that conference announcing the firing of poor ol' Lane Kiffin.

I know you've forgotten by now, so here's a reminder:

"I'm healthy. You're going to have to have me around for a while. I'm fine, really. I take all the tests four times a year. I get a checkup on everything, echo and all those things. All the blood work, I do that four times a year. My mother, you know, she lived a long time, 103. I hope nothing happens. Because disease is the one thing, boy, I tell you, it's tough to lick. It's tough to lick those diseases. I don't know why they can't. It bothers me they won't let us use—and it doesn't mean that I'm Republican or Democrat—the stem cell. I think it could help."

You have to be careful of things like this, Mr. Davis—you sound a little crazy with this kind of random stating-of-things talk. You know, they say perception is some people's reality. If you're not careful, people may think you're crazy.

I'd also like to advise you to finish the sentences you begin.

"I fired him for cause" and "It bothers me they won't let us use...the stem cell" are not exactly complete and coherent thoughts.

Again, perception is some people's reality.

To: Ben Roethlisberger's Body

Re: This Sucks

You poor thing. Big Ben is going to do long-term damage to you if he's not careful.

I mean, the motorcycle accident should have been the last straw.

Now here he is playing on a short week after you took countless hits last week. And your shoulder is separated. And he ignored everything you were telling him and he still played.

You gotta admire his toughness. Heck, I admire your toughness, Ben's body.

Something's gotta give though.

It's a bye week, so you make sure he gets you a lingering warm bath every night. It's the least he can do.