Liver's NFL Divisional Playoff Picks: Colts, Eagles, Bears, and Patriots

"WILDCARD PLAYOFF EDITION !! NOT A WIN BUT THANKS FOR THE GREAT SEASON !! THIS IS A CUSTOM MADE 6 INCH FIGURE OF THE DALLAS QB TONY ROMO AS TACKLED AT THE GOAL LINE AFTER THE MISSED SNAP !! THIS FIGURE WILL COME IN A PROTECTIVE CASE, WITH GREAT LOOKING CUSTOM-MADE PLAYOFF INSERTS !! WITH WILDCARD PLAYOFF SPECIAL !! THANKS FOR LOOKING GO COWBOYS !!"

If you don't believe me, go to eBay and enter "Dallas Tony Romo" in the search field. The current price is $235.83. Strange thing is the designer, who claims to be a Cowboys fan, says he got the idea when he threw a figure he was working on across the room after Romo fumbled. As much as I hate to admit it, the guy's a genius.
The only good news to come out of last weekend: At least the Liver can still root against the F***ING Eagles.

And oh by the way—the Liver went 0-4 on his picks. Maybe mainlining Jack Daniels wasn't such a hot idea...no matter how sweet it looked on the Motley Crue Behind the Music. Speaking of TV: Any of you 24 fanatics as excited as the Liver is? Now if only we didn't have to wait another three months for The Shield and The Sopranos...

Finally, some food for thought: It's been rumored that Beyonce and Eva Longoria are to star in an American adaptation of the novel Tipping the Velvet, which is about a nineteenth-century lesbian love affair. Please excuse the Liver while he gets a new pair of pants. Can you tell there hasn't been much sex around here in the last week?

Of course it goes without saying that the following playoff picks AGAINST THE SPREAD are for RECREATIONAL USE ONLY. Only Jim Lampley, Sean Salisbury, Jim Tressel, Troy Smith, Tony Romo, Joumana Kidd, Mark McGwire, and Barry Bonds would be drunk enough to question the Esteemed Liver's picks.

Last Week's Record: 0-4

2006 Overall Record: 130-124-6

Saturday, January 13

Indianapolis (+4) at Baltimore

Hard to believe that one man can make a pivotal difference for a defense—but Bob Sanders proved it last week. Larry Johnson was supposed to make Indy's run D look like Britney Spears' underwear (i.e. full of holes). Not so fast. With Sanders leading the way, the Colts were fresh, angry, and ready for whatever Kansas City brought their way; the Chiefs didn't even get a first down until the SECOND HALF. Indy will need a repeat performance in Baltimore, as the Ravens' defensive thugs (yeah Ray, I'm looking at you) are already yapping about how they're gonna hurt Joseph Addai. The key for the Colts, as always, will be Peyton Manning. He was AWFUL last week. If he crumples again, his reputation as a playoff choker may be forever set in stone. This is a tough one because Indy DOES have the second-best pass defense in the NFL, and the Ravens can't run the ball. But Peyton in the playoffs—can I use the Britney Spears/panties analogy twice in the same column? Baltimore straight-up, but against the line—Pick: Indy

Philadelphia (+5) at New Orleans

Filthy is still the hot team in the NFC...even if I can't figure out how they're doing it. They had to scrap to the end against the Giants last week. They also lost Pro Bowl corner Lito Sheppard in the process, which might maybe hurt them against the BEST OFFENSE IN THE NFL. Look for the Birds to have a tough time stopping the pass, no matter how often they blitz Drew Brees. And yes, I'm aware that Andy Reid has been here SEVERAL times before and this is Sean Payton's FIRST playoff game as a head coach. I'd like to believe that Filthy is doomed—but they're playing too well. Give me the Saints straight-up, but against the spread—Pick: Filthy

Sunday, January 14

Seattle (+8 1⁄2) at Chicago

I hate this game. A true toss-up. On the one hand you have an AWFUL Seahawks team who, were it not for I'M NOT SAYING HIS F***NG NAME, wouldn't even be here. The real reason they won, incidentally, was that Bill Parcells was either UNABLE or UNWILLING to attack a secondary that was literally ON THE F***ING STREET a week ago. Methinks Lovie Smith will do better. BUT, you do have little Rex Grossman playing for the Bears. That would be the same Rex Grossman who admitted that he didn't prepare for the season finale against the Packers because it was New Year's Eve and he had things to do...but who then reassured Bears fans that they "should not worry." Methinks the Bears and the Bears coaching staff will indeed WORRY. Grossman will eventually cost this team a playoff game, but I just can't see it happening this weekend...especially considering how the Bears blew out the Seahawks in Chicago earlier this year when the Seahawks defense was HEALTHY—and oh for godsakes don't make me regret this—GO REX GO—Pick: Chicago

New England (+5) at San Diego

By far the game to watch this weekend. From a gambler's perspective, it's also the easiest pick of the week: The Pats as dogs on the road in the playoffs? Thanks Vegas. Belichick ALWAYS comes up with a way to shut down the opponent's big time player...and you know LT's gotta be wondering what's in store for him. Philip Rivers' first playoff game also falls in the must-watch category. Ultimately, though, the pressure here is squarely on Marty Schottenheimer, who doesn't exactly have what you'd would call a stellar playoff record at 5-12. If he reverts back to his conservative Marty-ball approach, it may not be enough. The Chargers have cruised through the season and are the odds-on favorite to throw down in Miami at the end of the month. How they deal with the expectations will be an indication of just how good they really are. As for the Patriots, we already know how they cope with the underdog label: They just win. Pick: New England