My Girlfriend's Fantasy Football Team

Does anyone else have a girlfriend or a female friend that wants to get closer to the sports world? You know, that girl that wants in on your separate world, "your independent George", if you will, and even if you won't. And it's never that she fields a great team, almost beats you twice in a season, or boasts when one of her guys got less negative points than your guy, but it's more just the fact that she's there, competing with you.

Yes, your baby, your lovely girl, is trying her damndest to beat you every time you face each other, and all she cares about is finishing ahead of you in the final standings.

Her team can go 4-11, as long as she beats you or you go 3-12. Because then, at something you love, she becomes your equal, or God forbid, your superior.

Well, it's a good thing they're girls and they don't know what the hell they're doing.

So, without further haste, here is the All Girlfriend Fantasy Team, a compiled team of players that your girlfriend drafted solely on last season's stats, and now they've propelled her "awesome" team to an 0-4 start. Much to your dismay, I'm sure.

QB Derek Anderson

He and Braylon Edwards are in that photo above for a reason. Your little sunshine took one look at the board of quarterbacks left on draft night and saw Anderson's gaudy 29 touchdowns. Sadly, he's done nothing but stunk it up this year.

RB Steven Jackson

The only time your girlfriend says to herself, "Well, last year he was okay, but the year before that he was awesome," it happens to be about a St. Louis Ram player. God is good.

RB Ryan Grant

Here's the lovely pick that keeps on giving. Your girl has to keep going with Grant based on two things: Last year's success, and the fact that despite rushing for only 20 yards on 15 carries twice, the Pack keeps giving him the ball. Grant simply isn't seeing the cuts as he did last season, and for your Mrs., it's now too late.

WR Braylon Edwards

Does it get any worse than this? Actually, we'll get to that, but the answer is a slight no. Edwards has disappointed you, your girlfriend, Cleveland fans, and probably anyone who caught a glimpse of him last year. He drops everything thrown to him, and in turn makes Derek Anderson look much worse than he truly is. The beauty of this horrible tandem? Your girlfriend has them both. Booyah!

WR Kevin Curtis

I wouldn't call him a bust, but even the casual fantasy goer knew not to draft him, due to his hernia surgery. And even when healthy, Curtis was the poster boy for inconsistency last season. While I still expect him to do something good this season, your girlfriend won't be reaping the benefits. She overreacted to her poor draft choice and cut him the next day, right before you picked him up. Good job, man.

WR Chad Ocho Cinco

One touchdown and just over 150 yards through four games. Need I say more? Ocho Cinco has been the mark of consistency that fantasy owners love, at least when it comes to final season stats. And really, it's difficult to assess if anyone saw this coming. But any way you look at it, number 85 is rubbing your girl the wrong way, guaranteed. No pun intended.

TE Kellen Winslow vs Jeremy Shockey

I almost want to throw Chris Cooley in here, but you can't miss with a guy who is a Cleveland Brown, and another who hasn't scored a touchdown. Oh, and he's injured. it's probably unlikely your girlfriend has three Browns on her team, but then again, we've seen crazier things. She probably has Jamal Lewis, too, now that I think of it.

These are all fairly obvious selections, so let's dig a little deeper. Say your lady had one of the top five picks in the draft. She undoubtedly picked one of the following egg-layers:

QB Tom Brady/ Peyton Manning

One was gone for the season after 11 pass attempts, and the other isn't playing up to his usual level. If she had Brady, you had the joy of watching her scramble for a Kerry Collins or Brian Griese, and if she had Manning, well, she had to revert to her main man on the bench-Matt Hasselbeck. It's a wonderful thing, this football.

I hope you enjoyed the All Girlfriend Team, and take heed to this advice. Don't draft based on last year's totals, career totals, or because a team got a new addition. Also, be aware of injury status, changes to offense, and injuries/situations to other players on the teams that could effect your own outcome.

Even if you're 0-4, it's not too late to turn things around. But, if you're serious about doing so, none of these guys should be in your starting line-up for week five. Well, maybe Manning.