The NFL's Worst: The Sad-Sack Seven, Week Five

Missouri breaks.

No, not the '70s western directed by Jack Nicholson that featured burly Marlon Brando as a cross-dressing, murderous gunman.

But the state of Missouri itself broke.

Herm won.

Missouri is split, just like in the Civil War. Well, not really.

Most Missourians have agreed to watch Mizzou.

Herman Edwards won, and Scott Linehan became undone. Linehan found a mountain that was just too high, and when he found out he couldn't fly, Mama, it was too late.

Guess who the new man is?

Why Jolly Jim Haslett straps on the goat—er, Rams—horns again and tries to lead the Ram pack back.

Hang on to the whiskey wagon Haslett, as the Sad-Sack Seven hits the quarter pole hard.

1. St Louis Rams 0-4

Linehan has lost the Rams. Even if he had found the Rams, it wouldn't have helped him much. Last in the league in offense and defense, the Rams are dead in the water—waiting to be sold, dismantled, moved, or disbanded. Meanwhile, Rams fans will fleeced.

2. Detroit Lions 0-3

Matt Millen is gone. Sadly for Motor City, the Lions remain. The Motor City mess is a decades-long one. The Lions have bad defense, no running game, and a below-average QB. Other than that, the future looks bright.

3. The Cincinnati Bengals 0-4

Losing to the Cleveland Browns is not bottom. No, the Bengals look forward to an uncapped year so they can cut costs and get way below the required minimum team salary. Bare bottom Bungles—the fans can't wait. RB Cedric Benson's 2.2-yard-per-carry bursts will help turn the offense around, and Ced will keep the Bungles No. 1 in the NFL's arrest standings.

4. Houston Texans 0-3

Last time the Texans were beat around this state so badly, Sam Houston was retreating from Santa Anna. The Old Raven Sam Houston eventually developed an offensive scheme. It's not likely the team from the town that bears his name will do the same.

5. Oakland Raiders 1-3

The game of firing and then suing. The head coach saving some shillings on a contract is sure to attract high-quality talent to the Mad Realm of Al Davis. 'Tis said there is a pleasure in being mad, which only madmen know. No wonder old Al looked rather happy as he insanely rambled about his once proud Raiders.

6. Miami Dolphins 1-2

The Fish still stink. In time, the Tuna Parcells hopes to build a solid South Florida squad. But as fish-lipped Mick sang "Time Waits For No One", it won't wait for the Tuna. Time will land the Tuna before the Fish see a crown.

7. Cleveland Browns 1-3

The Clown Browns bragged about beating the Bungles. Did they really think that was a great accomplishment? Even with that one lousy win, the Browns are the biggest disappointment of the season so far.