NFL Lockout 2011: Finding Jobs for Potentially Unemployed NFL Stars

NFL labor discussions are a complete and utter mess right now.

Yes, the deadline has been extended and yes, it seems like both sides are at least willing to negotiate with one another. However, I would be willing to bet on a strike-shortened 12 to 14 game season being more likely to happen than the owners' demands of a grueling 18 game alternative. 

With the potential for regular season games to be missed and the unspeakable possibility that the 2011-2012 season could vanish all together, I look to offer the best possible job scenarios for some of the NFL's brightest stars.

Brian Urlacher: Professional Wrestler

Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

CHICAGO, IL - JANUARY 16: Linebacker Brian Urlacher #54 of the Chicago Bears looks on from the sideline in the second quarter against the Seattle Seahawks in the 2011 NFC divisional playoff game at Soldier Field on January 16, 2011 in Chicago, Illinois.

WWE needs another massive, white, bald guy to reignite their sport. 

In the late nineties, the WWE had Stone Cold Steve Austin to carry the big-white-and-bald title before he handed the throne over to Goldberg. 

Ever since 2004, the throne has been empty, and the WWE has suffered because of it. Brian Urlacher could step into this void and deliver his own signature middle linebacker hits to the ring. 

Chris Johnson: Soccer Star

Andy Lyons/Getty Images

INDIANAPOLIS - JANUARY 02: Chris Johnson #28 of the Tennessee Titans runs for a touchdown during NFL game against the Indianapolis Colts at Lucas Oil Stadium on January 2, 2011 in Indianapolis, Indiana. (Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images)

Can he dribble a soccer ball? Can he nail a penalty shot? Can he even properly throw the ball in from out of bounds? 

It doesn't matter. 

Just have Cristiano Ronaldo boot the ball down the field for Real Madrid and watch new teammate Chris Johnson's 4.2 forty-meter speed chase after it.

In fact, put Johnson on one side and Usain Bolt on the other and see how quickly the field opens up.

Tom Brady: Male Model

Elsa/Getty Images

FOXBORO, MA - JANUARY 02: Tom Brady #12 of the New England Patriots looks on in the third quarter against the Miami Dolphins on January 2, 2011 at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, Massachusetts. (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)

He's been on the cover of GQ, he proudly endorses UGG boots and he's one of the only men on the planet who can enter a room with Giselle and have more eyes focus on him than his super-model wife.

Tom Brady is a good looking man. It's okay to admit it. 

No NFL season, no problem. Tom Brady will find his way into magazine ads, onto billboards and pinned-up in the bedrooms of teenage girls everywhere right in between Taylor Lautner's abs and Justin Bieber's hair.

Bill Belichick: CIA Spy

Rick Stewart/Getty Images

ORCHARD PARK, NY - DECEMBER 26: Head coach Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots looks on in a match against the Buffalo Bills at Ralph Wilson Stadium on December 26, 2010 in Orchard Park, New York. New England won 34-3. (Photo by Rick Stewart/Get

How do we know that he isn't one already?

After the Spygate fiasco, Roger Goodell called and scolded the conniving coach for his actions while the CIA called moments later to ask what type of equipment he was using. 

Think about it, do we know anything about Bill Belichick? Is he married? Does he have any kids? Does he own any other shirts besides his Patriots hooded sweatshirts? 

Belichick is the most secretive man in all of professional sports. As a CIA agent, he would make Robert De Niro's character in the Meet The Parents movies seem sloppy. 

Without a 2011-2012 season, Bill Belichick could get a job with the CIA and/or continue the one he might already have on a full time basis.

Chad Ocho Cinco and Terrell Owens: Take over VH1 Programming

Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images

LOS ANGELES, CA - FEBRUARY 19: NFL player Terrell Owens attends NBA All-Star Saturday night presented by State Farm at Staples Center on February 19, 2011 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)

Somehow, Chad Ocho Cinco and Terrell Owens found a way to have multiple VH1 shows and host a sports show on Versus in the time between the 2009-2010 season and the end of the 2010-2011 one. 

Honestly, playing football might have been holding them back. 

In a year's time, VH1 will find a way to star these two former high-profile receivers in 25 different shows along with 12 spin-offs that will control the network's programming on nights when they aren't showing the latest Bret Michaels' series.

Pete Carroll: Returns to USC

Jeff Golden/Getty Images

TEMPE, AZ - NOVEMBER 7: Head coach Pete Carroll of the USC Trojans walks the sidelines before the game against the Arizona State Sun Devils on November 7, 2009 at Sun Devil Stadium in Tempe, Arizona. USC won 14-9. (Photo by Jeff Golden/Getty Images)

Forget about the violations Pete Carroll brought to USC. Instead, ride the Charlie Sheen momentum reminding the Trojans administration of just how much winning took place during the Carroll years.

We live in an era where BYU is crazy for their honors code and Charlie Sheen is not for his outlandish lifestyle.

Sure the NCAA penalties were bad, but an 8-5 season (5-4 in conference) is worse. With no Seahawks season, Carroll can make his return to the Trojans' sideline.

Cortland Finnegan: Jersey Shore Star

Tom Pennington/Getty Images

ARLINGTON, TX - AUGUST 21: Wide receiver Roy Williams #11 of the Dallas Cowboys (left) reacts after losing his helmet on a play the first quarter against corner back Cortland Finnegan #31 ofthe Tennessee Titans during a preseason game at Cowboys Stadium

When I saw hi-lights of the Cortland Finnegan v. Andre Johnson throw-down earlier this season, my first reaction when I saw Finnegan's uncovered face was, "Wait, is that DJ Pauly D in a Titans uniform?" 

I will never be able to figure out why so many people watch the Jersey Shore and Finnegan's addition to the cast would certainly not guarantee my spot on a couch, but MTV will probably have seven more seasons of this show so why not throw Finnegan into the mix.

His temper will fit in well.

Tony Romo: The Bachelor

Michael Buckner/Getty Images

DALLAS, TX - FEBRUARY 05: Dallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo (L) and television personality Candice Crawford attend a private dinner hosted by Audi during Super Bowl XLV Weekend at the Audi Forum Dallas on February 5, 2011 in Dallas, Texas. (Photo by

The major complaint during the Jessica Simpson era of Tony Romo was that his relationship effected his play on the field.

This will be the reverse. With no play on the field, Romo will be free to entertain the world with his play off the gridiron. 

According to my recent Google search, Tony Romo is currently engaged to the extremely attractive blonde-haired-might-be-an-actress, Candice Crawford. That's okay, ABC's the Bachelor can work with it. 

Here's the plotline:

With months to go before the wedding, ex-girlfriends such as Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson will unexpectedly infiltrate a mansion and suddenly complicate the former Dallas Cowboys quarterback's life. Throw in Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Tila Tequila and great television awaits. 

The Bachelor did a show with ex-quarterback, Jesse Palmer, before so this is not completely uncharted territory. Tony Romo is a bigger star which would mean bigger names for the female contestants. 

Mark Sanchez: Broadway Star

Nick Laham/Getty Images

PITTSBURGH, PA - JANUARY 23: Quarterback Mark Sanchez #6 of the New York Jets looks on against the Pittsburgh Steelers during the 2011 AFC Championship game at Heinz Field on January 23, 2011 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The Steelers won 24-19. (Photo b

Mark Sanchez proudly admits he loves Broadway musicals. 

Now he can be apart of one. 

The somewhat new Broadway hit, Lombardi, would make the most sense for Mark Sanchez since he could pull a reverse Brett Favre and go from being the Jets quarterback to pretending to be one for the Green Bay Packers. 

If he didn't want to put on the green and gold, Sanchez could star in Jersey Boys or try his hand as the web-slinging Spiderman.

Julius Peppers: Chicago Bulls Bench Player

Jamie Squire/Getty Images

CHICAGO, IL - JANUARY 23: Julius Peppers #90 of the Chicago Bears reacts while taking on the Green Bay Packers in the NFC Championship Game at Soldier Field on January 23, 2011 in Chicago, Illinois. (Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images)

For those of you who don't remember, Julius Peppers actually had a pretty good basketball career at North Carolina.

At 6'7, 283 lbs, Peppers could come off the bench for the Chicago Bulls and provide some strength in the middle when Carlos Boozer or Joakim Noah slip into foul trouble.

Peyton Manning: Full Time Commercial Actor

Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

OAKLAND, CA - DECEMBER 26: Peyton Manning #18 of the Indianapolis Colts looks on against the Oakland Raiders during an NFL game at Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum on December 26, 2010 in Oakland, California. (Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)

Even though Peyton Manning studies film and fine-tunes his skills more than any other quarterback in the league, he is still able to find enough time to do endorsements for Gatorade, Sony and Oreos. Take football out of his life and Manning commercials will be all over the place.

This is not at all a bad thing. 

Manning's commercials are some of the funniest out there. Without having the pressure of being a highly respected athlete, he could insert Bud Light for Gatorade and take his comedy to a higher level.

Rex Ryan: Dancing with the Stars

Al Bello/Getty Images

FOXBORO, MA - JANUARY 16: New England Patriots fans hold up signs picturing head coach Rex Ryan of the New York Jets and a foot prior to their 2011 AFC divisional playoff game at Gillette Stadium on January 16, 2011 in Foxboro, Massachusetts. (Photo by

Imagine Rex Ryan doing the salsa on live national television. Imagine Ryan's bold predictions and his entertaining post-dance-performance press conferences. 

Take a second to picture all of this and hopefully you are getting the same incredible, yet somewhat disturbing, mental images that are running through my head right now. 

The internet would be full of new foot jokes and the Youtube videos of Ryan would be in the tens of millions. 

HBO's Hard Knocks proved that Ryan is entertaining television. Switch him from football coach to dancer, and you have even more of a must-see-television series.

Besides, he can't be much worse than Bristol Palin.

Tim Tebow: Pastor

Handout/Getty Images

LAKE BUENA VISTA, FL - MAR 04: In this handout image provided by Disney Parks, Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow autographs a jersey for Cole Hoover, age 11, from Cape Coral, Florida at Disney's Hollywood Studios park in Lake Buena Vista, Florida on M

Some players will drop an, "I want to thank God" at the end of the game, but Tim Tebow takes it to the next level putting scripture verses under his eyes and occasionally giving sermons.

He grew up in a missionary family and clearly has a heart for continuing this line of work. Tebow will probably do some type of ministry work after his football career, so why not start early while his popularity is still extremely high.

Troy Polamalu: Creates Own Shampoo Line

Karl Walter/Getty Images

NEW ORLEANS - OCTOBER 31: (FILE PHOTO) Troy Polamalu #43 of the Pittsburgh Steelers waits on the sideline before the game against the New Orleans Saints at Louisiana Superdome on October 31, 2010 in New Orleans, Louisiana. The Saints won 20-10 over the

Troy Polamalu has the best hair in the NFL. He already does advertisements for Head and Shoulders, but why stop there?

Polamalu is bigger than Head and Shoulders and should create his own line of hair-care products. Before long, Polamalu will be making more money as a business owner than he ever would in the stiff salary cap world of the NFL.

New York Jets: Revis Island

Christopher Polk/Getty Images

DALLAS, TX - FEBRUARY 03: NFL player Darrelle Revis of the New York Jets asks will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas a question at the Bridgestone Super Bowl XLV Halftime Show press conference on February 3, 2011 in Dallas, Texas. (Photo by Christopher Polk/G

Since HBO's Hard Knocks would not be able to cover Jets pre-season again, why not take the entire Jets roster along with head coach Rex Ryan (after Dancing With the Stars of course) and place them on an island together. The title, "Revis Island" would be the obvious choice. 

The show would mimic Survivor with a million dollar prize going to the biggest survivor of the group. What alliances would form? Would the players turn on their former coach? Would Darelle Revis win his own show? 

Mike Vick: Dog Show Groomer

Chris McGrath/Getty Images

NEW YORK - FEBRUARY 09: Alice Kneavel comforts her Irish Wolfhound ' Quest' backstage during the 133rd Annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show at Madison Square Garden February 9, 2009 in New York City. The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is considered

Too soon? Hear me out.

Michael Vick did a lot to change his image last season, but there are still plenty of haters out there who refuse to forgive the man for his dogfighting crimes. 

What better way to change public opinion than to be a participant in the grooming and showing of a dog at a major show? Just imagine, Michael Vick jogging down the runway with his poodle beside him, a massive smile across his face and tears streaming down the cheeks of the judges.

The sad part is, as NFL fans, I would not at all be surprised if millions of us tuned in to watch Michael Vick at a dog show. Come November and definitely by December, we will be so desperate for any type of football that seeing Michael Vick carrying around a poodle with a ribbon on its head will keep us alive until the next episode of The Bachelor: Tony Romo. 

The moral of the story is, yes, these players could find other jobs, but they are meant to entertain us on Sundays playing football. The NFL needs to figure this out sooner than later before Rex Ryan slips into a pair of tights and invades our high-definition, 3-D television sets every week on the new season of Dancing with the Stars.