Super Bowl Sunday: Join Green Bay and Pittsburgh in One Last Dance

The Super Bowl is the biggest annual event in sports. It allows us to live in a moment of annually imbibed celebration that we cherish through winter. But at the back end of this roller coaster is a reminder that another season is over and long dreary months lie ahead. It makes a man consider his own mortality and just how important it is to make the most of Super Sunday and every waning opportunity to bring the celebration of the sport stage into our lives.

My football playing career is over. It’s been tough. What have I to show for those 10 years on the gridiron? A state championship in high school. A conference championship in college. Unfortunately, I didn’t ever do a great deal of what you might call “making plays” during those games, but as I finished my career, I couldn’t help but wonder what I was leaving behind. 

Due to unforeseeable circumstances, such as an apparent need for more talent than I possess, I did not anticipating hearing my name called before the third round of that 2002  NFL draft. Alas, it was not called at all. Come to think of it, I was never invited to any combines either. As a matter of fact, I don’t even remember being invited to our team banquet. For future reference, there is not a lot of demand in the NFL for players who attempt to "make plays" by utilizing the following abilities:

*A good sense of humor

*Forming a well fitting mouthpiece

*Holding (while playing QB)

*Wearing eye black

*Looking at the defense and laughing before taking the snap

*Checking to plays at the line of scrimmage using politically offense audibles (i.e. Check! Check! Cracker Pink 23!) just to snap the ball and see what everyone does

*Tripping, Clipping or Leg Whipping

*Getting involved in chop blocking from the QB position

*Mastering the no-look pass

*Calling a play in the huddle then loudly second guessing that play while walking to the line of scrimmage

*Telling the defense to “watch the run” and then winking at our running back

I always felt these were unique abilities I possessed, worthy enough to warrant the attention of girls and NFL scouts. I guess I was wrong, but as I pondered the individual attributes in which I was lacking, I realized my biggest contribution lay in my ability to moronically dance through it all.

The hard, honest truth is that, like me, at some point you were probably dealt the cold dark truth that your on field talents would never be fully understood on Super Bowl Sunday. However, that should play no bearing on your primal urge to celebrate them on your own, every single chance you get.

To all of you brethren who have walked the path of obscurity as I have done, I bequeath title, rights and royalties to all choreographed and premeditated unsportsmanlike celebrations I worked and still work daily to create and/or perfect in order to celebrate life and our willingness to melt celebration and stupidity together for the sake of exuberance. I now consider them my only legacy to the game I so cherish.

Abuse them as often as you feel necessary and please do not think these are just meant for use during organized football. They are meant for use at work, for winning an argument with a significant other or for any time or place that warrants expression with both class and creativity. I encourage all of you to use, create, or tweak these and find the one that is right for you.

Personality Type: Compassionate

*Your Choice: Hari-Kari

*Description: Several teammates are needed. After violently crossing the goal line, you must draw the pigskin from your hip and begin plugging your teammates like the ball is a .38 Special. After several of them are down and you feel enough damage has been done, you are overcome with a sense of remorse, at which time you turn the football on yourself.

*Message: “The talent inequities on this field are far too much to bear. It is my humanitarian duty to make this field safe for future play.”

*Suggested use: Following a big pinball-type rushing play or following pushing your way to the front of any line forming amidst a crowd.

Personality Type: Academic

*Your choice: The Instrumental.

*Description: I co-created this marvel with a 125 lb, 17th-string full back who refused to give up his dream of playing college football. Upon hitting the end zone, several players fall in line and begin marching with military precision. The dude with the ball serves as the drum major while his teammates begin playing an assortment of aerial band instruments ranging from tubas and trombones to flutes and drums.

*Message: “We are multi-dimensional. We find your attempts at defense quite drab. We also have an appreciation for the fine arts.”

*Suggested use: After a well executed trick play or after several coworkers have just witnessed a hated coworker get reamed by one of the higher ups.

Personality Type: Flamboyant

*Your Choice: The Six Guns

*Description: After scoring you must run full speed down the sideline. The upper body must be rotated 90 degrees to face the opposition’s sideline and fans. Both hands are even with the waist with thumbs sticking up and index fingers extended. The wrists flick in opposing 12-6 motions.

*Message: “I’m a cowboy, a renegade who plays by his own rules. I am an outlaw.”

*Suggested use: After successful completion of a one handed catch or after successful completion of a work presentation.

Personality Type: Scientific/Student of the Occult

*Your Choice: Sticky Ball

*Description: Hustle into the end zone and get a good firm grip on the ball. Rear back to spike the ball, but follow through without actually letting the ball go. Look very bewildered. Try shaking the ball off. Appear noticeably perplexed. After much distress, lift your foot and use your cleats to push on the ball. After much straining, the ball finally pops off. Stare the ball down as you walk away shaking your head.

*Message: “There is no scientific explanation for my performance. Whatever anatomical abnormalities I possess are beyond the realm of reason.”

*Suggested use: Following any reception that takes place in traffic or any save that takes place when someone has accidentally knocked something off a desk/counter.

Personality Type: Delinquent

*Your Choice: The Shake Down

*Description: After you pull down your fourth TD reception of the game, turn around and stuff the ball up your jersey. Your buddy comes sprinting over, spins you around, and throws your hands behind your head. After kicking your legs apart, he does a quick, yet thorough pat down and discovers the ball. Look shocked and shrug your shoulders. Then point to someone in the bleachers. When he looks make a break for the sidelines.

*Message: “I have no idea how that got there. Besides, this game has turned into a highway robbery.

*Suggested use: Any time an underdog is on the positive end of a blowout or any time someone is on a hot streak of closing deals.

Personality Type: Riverboat Gambler

*Your choice: High Stakes Poker

*Description: After a big play on a ball that had no business being thrown, three or four teammates lay next to each other shoulder to shoulder forming a raft. QB and said pass recipient proceed to sit facing each other on raft and play an imaginary hand of poker. Determine your own outcome. Bonus points are given if card players and raft sway gently with an imaginary current.

*Message: “I know you have that ace, but I’m going to pay to see it.”

*Suggested use: After casual completion of a wing and a prayer or following any situation in which all observers are thinking “you lucky son of a...”

Personality Type: Pirate

*Your Choice: The Swashbuckler

*Description: If you are a pirate, this is your money dance. Unsheathe the pigskin from your hip and assume a solid fencing stance. Glide the length of the end zone thrusting and parrying at an imaginary adversary. Make sure to step with the lead leg and drag the back leg while keeping your opposite arm well arched over your head.  

*Message: “Ar matey, I be a pirate.”

*Suggested use: Whenever.

Personality Type: Outdoorsman

*Your Choice: The Wounded Duck

*Description: You will need an accomplice for this beauty—usually a neighboring receiver or fat tight end who happens to be in the area. After crossing the goal line, hurl the ball high and deep in a grenade like manner.  Your accomplice proceeds to drop to a knee and fire two shots from an imaginary firearm at the tumbling pigskin. After retrieving the prey, hold it up while putting your arm around your buddy and pose for an imaginary photo. You may also replicate this under the name “The Deer Hunter” where you shoot your teammate rather than the ball. Drop to a knee beside his lifeless carcass and lift his helmet as if it were a pair of antlers. Have another teammate come and take your photo. Be sure the deceased is limp but pliable.

*Message: “Is this really what the game has come to? We transform our QBs wounded ducks into a theatrical masterpiece?”

*Suggested use: Following any instance of teammate/coworker/friend ‘A’ going out of his or her way to bail out teammate/coworker/friend ‘B.’

Please also consider the timeliness of using these during practice (as a player or coach) and for any reason you see fit. It warmed my heart when I returned to school to find the finest athletes using these while doing seven-on-seven against air. Males have an inherent need to leave a legacy. I know I am one of thousands who realized long ago that mine will not be written in the annals of football statistics. And so…I dance.