Five "Burning" Questions for NHL 2008-09 (Humor)

A lot of sports pundits are presenting what they call their “Burning Questions” for this year’s NHL season. And while many, if not most, of these queries are indeed compelling, I think they sometimes fall short of the term “burning” questions—so I decided to put my own brand of Preparation H on the fire.

Here then, are my five (literally) burning questions for the 2008-9 NHL season.

1: How many times will Wade Redden get burned this season on the Rangers D? With a name like Redden you might get the feeling the guy was destined to be smoked a lot, but hey what’s in a name? Personally, I think Wade will perform admirably in NY and really dazzle his critics. In the end, the only thing that MIGHT get burned is the Senators management, but we’ll have to wait and see.

2: Will the sunburn Dion Phaneuf got on the beach with Elisha Cuthbert (Lucky Shmoe!) still be a distraction going into this season? I know it would for me…the game would be tied, and there could be three minutes left, and I’d be on the bench thinking, “Gee I wonder what Elisha is doing, she’s so hot and…oh man, I can’t believe I h…” Well, you get the picture.

3: What’s that burning sensation in Jack Johnson’s knee? If JJ has blown his knee in that freak golf cart accident, it’s a terrible burn for the St. Louis Blues (Dang... I mean Los Angeles Kings - sorry, Eric) who are really trying to get their team firing on all cylinders. Right now it looks to be okay, but you have to wonder if this will lead to a re-injury later in the season. In which case I think the Kings should burn JJ’s golf course membership card.

4: What’s that burning sensation in Roberto Luongo’s pants? Is he suffering from IBS again? Is his ass chapped because of the recent departure of Naslund and the guys? Or is he simply fired-up to lead the team this year? Luongo is a great professional, but I smell something burning on the Floridian home-front.

Mrs. Luongo seems to have no hot passion for the city of Vancouver as a place to raise her child, and that could translate to a pair of itchy, burning heals for Roberto in the near future and a mild distraction in the short(s).

5: Will Mike Keenan burn down another great goaltender and torch another team? (This fifth question was going to be: Will the KHL burn the NHL? But in my mind the NHL won’t skip a beat, sooo, back to Keenan)

I actually like Keenan, but the days of pulling goaltenders every time your moustache starts twitching are over. Goaltending, more so than any other position, is a confidence position. A net minder’s psyche is integral to his success and failure and as delicate as a crystal puck. You start pulling them willy-nilly, and you’re going to upset the very tenuous grasp that all goalies have on their sanity.

Next thing you know Kipper will be mumbling Finnish nursery rhymes at some bar and sleeping under the viaducts just north of Turku… or worse yet… playing in the KHL. 

Ooooh, Buuurrrn!