Top Ten Superheroes In MMA
How would superheroes fare in MMA? Pardon? Oh, this is the most ridiculous top ten list that you have ever seen. Sadly, it is not. To be honest, this is satirical. With all due respect, I have seen some confusing top ten lists with even less value than this one. Well, I mean no disrespect. I am just trying to have some fun. That is what sports and comics are about!
Should people like this, I have many ideas for other meaningless lists. Also, my apologies, I never really read comic books, so grant me some latitude with my application of their skills. So, which superheroes could best transfer their powers to the realm of MMA? Here is a list of the ten best superheroes-potentially-in-MMA.
10) Batman
1 of 10
At number ten, we have the Caped Crusader. He is a good scrapper, has crafty flips/ takedowns, and utilizes kicks proficiently. However, he has no super powers. He relies heavily on his utility belt, his sidekick, and often does better fighting multiple attackers. These traits would not serve him well in MMA in one on one no belt permitted matches.
While his onomatopoeia-inducing striking prowess may play out against thugs, he would not fare well against other superheroes. One could equate Forrest Griffin to Batman as both are very popular but rely on heart over super human skill.
9) He-Man
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He-Man's name carries legendary status as the prototypical alpha male. His physique gives him great strength and impressive punching power. He-Man's beast-like force is also applied with very athletic agility. This gives him great balance and would give him strong wrestling acumen and solid take-down defense. As a cage-fighter, he lacks in many areas. Lifting castles and flexing repeatedly do not parlay well in MMA. Also, he is mostly a weapons guy. He has the power, but not the skills. He-Man might be a great draw and provide some exciting bouts, but is not championship material. His skill set can be likened to Polish bodybuilder Mariusz Pudzianowski.
8) Wolverine
3 of 10
Wolverine will always give the fans a good scrap. He is tough to tap and is not getting knocked out with his regenerative powers. The man with the chops has some cage-fighting experience and one heck of a mean streak but could get disqualified for his penchant for releasing his adamantium (indestructible metal) knives from his hands. He has spent time in Japan and knows a few tricks from the ancient world of martial arts. He can take a lickin' and keep on tickin', but an elite fighter needs a deeper skill set than being able to take punishment. Look at Wolverine as more of a Stephen Bonner gate-keeper fighter than a top pound-for-pound star.
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7) Aquaman
4 of 10
Aquaman not only has the best choke defense in his ecosytem, but in Earth's biosphere. He can go without breathing and can withstand the pressures from the ocean's depths. This type of resistance makes choking him very difficult. Disappointingly, he lacks a dominant offensive game. His mind-ray stuff is more designed for telepathic activity and controlling fish than fighting. His main weapon in a land-cage would be his magical hand. This hand can dehydrate opponents to the point of death. If fish-hooks are illegal, I'm guessing Keith Kizer would add this to the list of " No-No's in Nevada. Aquaman would also not fare well in the later rounds as he fades quickly when out of water. Stitch would have his hands full keeping this guy hydrated in-between rounds. He is similar to Sean Sherk—great neck for choke resistance—but little fins for arms that ineffectively swim around inside the Octagon.
6) The Flash
5 of 10
First thing that comes to mind—speed. Barry Allen can move, think, react, and learn faster than anyone. This makes him a great candidate for MMA success. This is the quickest and most evasive fighter in the history of the sport: Flash has outraced Superman. His speed learning would make him a quick study in all aspects of the game. The Flash can also vibrate at incredible speeds that could get him out of holds. His ability to time travel would help him get out of bad spots too. His downfall is that he is not aggressive enough. The judges don't like that stick and move style and he lacks the one shot power to win via stoppage. However, once his opponent gets a tight enough hold of him, he loses that ability to generate speed. As Melvin Guillard wins with his speed, he is also vulnerable in close contact. Both Melvin and Flash are susceptible to succumbing to chokes where speed no longer helps.
5) Spiderman
6 of 10
Spiderman has a great guard game and fights very well off his back. He is also tough to hit and has excellent range that allows him to control the cage well. He has done well in past MMA events (holding an impressive upset win over Bonesaw Mcgraw), but does not engage often enough. His web strikes are illegal and "Spidy" would probably lose on the cards often as he is prone to hiding on top of the cage. When he does attack, he is fast and accurate, but is mostly a defensive fighter a la Lyoto Machida. He also faces psychological demons from recalling earlier trauma from a post-cage fight experience. Nonetheless, his skill set is deep and he has the potential to exhibit remarkable maneuvers.
4) The Thing
7 of 10
The Thing is amazing in the clinch. He has great power and can take a hellish pounding. Catch phrase expressions like,"It's clobberin' time!" and a unique appearance make him very marketable. With super-human lung capacity and a very resilient skin type, he won't be choked out nor knocked out. He has gone toe to toe with Hulk and held his own. His detriments are that his reflexes and agility are of normal human levels. Ben Grimm is prone to moodiness which makes him difficult to coach. He is a Brock Lesnar type in the fact the he has all the skills and natural ability, but just doesn't put it all together on fight night. But, catch The Thing when he is in his zone and he is almost unbeatable.
3) Hulk
8 of 10
The Incredible Hulk is super in the exchanges as he gets stronger the more you hit him. But, anger is not always your friend in the Octagon. Also, in training he is timid Bruce Banner and shows very little in the gym. He is constantly going from one gym to another and never really connects with one coach. This makes long term development very challenging. He always has the power to knock someone out, but lacks the technique and finesse to reach that next level. He is comparable to Wanderlei Silva in that the more one hurts him, the more aggressive he becomes. To win consistently one must utilize effective aggression in today's MMA. With his power, Hulk can beat anyone on any night. He will bring the pain on each occasion and never let the fans down.
2) Superman
9 of 10
Clark Kent a.k.a. Superman has true championship capabilities. Fighters better prepare for his low leg feint kick that he follows up with an explosive and elevated same-side punch—it is deadly. He can fly, move quickly, take a shot and give a shot. His only downfall is that he is not focused on MMA. His main goal is crime fighting, he has a second job (reporter) that he almost regularly gets fired from and now a third? Also, he lives two lives and has a steady love interest and spends time at his ice fortress. Too much on his plate. A waste of talent, this tale is tantamount to Cung Le who dedicates his time to making movies, competing in San Shou, and what not. Also, a good performance is predicated on the basis that no Kryptonite will be in the vicinity. This is too uncertain a factor to expect a long championship run.
1) Mister Fantastic / Plasticman
10 of 10
Mister Fantastic and Plasticman tie for first place. These two possess Jiu Jitsu skills that would put ANYONE in knots. UFC 1, and all subsequent shows, proved it—Jiu Jitsu wins. These two can do more today in jits than all of the talented legends of the game combined. While some fighters may be able to defend and resist, adjustments would be made and an equally precarious submission would be applied. Attacking and threatening with moves yet to be invented will bring continual success to these two malleable MMA monsters!
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