Nebraska Cornhusker Football: A Biased Farewell to the Big 12 Conference

With the end of the 2010 season, the Huskers look to turn the page to a new chapter in their program’s history. After spending the early half of their time in the Big 12 conference caning the rest of the league like Singapore’s secret police, the Huskers fell on hard times. There were some ups, some downs, and a whole lot of me cussing at the other teams. 

In no particular order, here are the things I’m going to miss about the other Big 12 teams:

Colorado

-  I’ll miss their urine bombs, lofted from on high. They were always a great way to keep us at 98.6 degrees just a little longer in that frosty, frozen tundra they call a campus.
-  I’ll miss the constant aroma of really, really good weed wafting over the entire conference and knowing exactly which team is responsible.
-  I’ll miss all the half-empty CU stadium seats, because their student body was more interested in playing some Hacky-Sack and making hemp necklaces.
-  I’ll miss the fact that most of their players looked so uncomfortable in cleats and football pads instead of their usual flip-flops and corduroy pants.
-  I’ll miss the constant and ruthless harassment of our almost-always-classy fans that makes us secretly wish that NORAD would “accidentally” drop a few presents from a test site on the state.
-  And finally, I’ll miss Ralphie, the once-majestic creature of the plains that the school has captured and held in captivity. Which, despite their 92% vegan population, they plan on slaughtering in a carnal, satanic ritual in which the school collectively offers their entire collection of souls for one winning season, just one winning season, damn it!, since 2005. Alright, I probably made that last one up.

Kansas

-  I’ll miss their school song that was penned by a guy whose nickname was "Dumpy."
-  I’ll miss their football team, that always fights with every ounce of strength in their bodies until the very end. In a brawl against their own basketball team.
-  I’ll miss their genetically mutated, bastard-child-of-Toucan-Sam-and-Tweetie-Bird mascot.
-  I’ll miss their basketball team routinely drubbing us by 20 and their football team routinely beating us by -30 points.
-  I’ll miss Turner Gill giving all Husker fans conflicting, weird emotions. Like when James Cameron’s ex-wife beat him out for an Oscar.
-  And finally, I’ll miss their whole student body swaying during the "Rock Chalk" song, like a drunken sailor first getting his feet back on land and slurring out a dirge-like song.

Baylor

-  Wait, they were in the Big 12?

Iowa State

-  I’ll miss Iowa State’s “little brother that tries really hard in a pickup game against a disinterested older brother” mentality.
-  I’ll miss a program that is named after a natural disaster.
-  I’ll miss a school that hangs its hat on its wrestling program. Yeah, I said wrestling.
-  And lastly, I’ll miss smoking Iowa State like a good, smooth, Cuban cigar. But I won’t miss the times when we inhaled too much and choked. (I’m looking at you, 2009.)

Missouri

-  I’ll miss our “rivalry” that was a way bigger deal to them than it was to us. They seemed to think that just because they beat us a few times when we were at our program’s historical low-point, that they were somehow on the same level. Which is a lot like Nick Cannon saying that he’s a better rapper than Eminem because he won the “Teen Choice Award” in 2002.
-  I’ll miss Gary Pinkel routinely out-thinking himself in big games and running a program that racked up felonies as quickly as Chase Daniel racked up passing yards against Courtney Grixby’s whack-ass.
-  I’ll miss constantly hating on Blaine Gabbert—his hairstyle was so stuck in the 1980′s this past year that the only thing missing was a “Poison” shirt underneath his jersey.  Hmmm. . .actually, I won’t miss hating on Blaine. I’ll still do it when he’s throwing 17 picks next year as a rookie for a terrible team.
-  And finally, I’ll miss hating on Tyler Gabbert for getting punched in the face by his own fans. How douchey do you have to be for that to happen? Take note, Taylor Martinez. . .you’re toeing the line, son.

Texas A&M

-  I’ll miss their dude cheerleaders who think that it’s cool to be dude cheerleaders.
-  I’ll miss their program that funnels more cash into their football team than Microsoft and still can’t ever win the Big 12 South.
-  And lastly, I’ll miss their entire student body making out whenever A&M scores its first touchdown. There's nothing like a good case of widespread communicable diseases to show your rabid support. “Touchdown!”  turns to “Herpes!”  in a Texas minute.

Oklahoma

-  I’ll miss OU’s two-word fight “song.” Having a two-word fight song is like having a mosaic that's all one color.
-  I’ll miss the “Sooner Schooner,” a wagon that comes barreling onto the field packed full of hillbillies whooping and carrying on like their ancestors did when they were murdering their forced-to-relocate-on-the-trail-of-tears neighbors for more blood-red dirt.
-  I’ll miss Bob Stoops’ visor that might surgically be connected to his scalp.
-  And finally, I’ll miss the chance for revenge for all those times OU beat NU like a dirty rug in the last 10 years and the chance to wipe the smirks off of Sooner Nation as our program continues to rise.

Oklahoma State

-  I’ll miss T. Boone Pickens and his less-realistic-than-a-dementia-patient-on-opium outlook on his program.
-  I’ll miss the ability to constantly scream out “I’m a man. . .I’m 40″ and have all of my idiot friends do the same every time we play the Cowboys.
-  And finally, I’ll miss the fact that, while they can be pretty good at times, OSU chokes like George W. on a Rold's Gold when the biggest games roll around. It’s a routine. I think their pre-game checklist looks like this: “Stretch, warm-up, prepare to choke. . .”

Texas Tech

-  I’ll miss the beautiful scenery of Lubbock, Texas, which reminds me of post-atomic-bomb Nagasaki.
-  I’ll miss the Red Raider, who rides around on his horse looking like a cross between Liberace and Zorro.
-  I already miss Mike Leach, who was the best coach that program ever could have had, despite being a complete train-wreck of a human being.
-  Finally, I will miss the fact that a school once simultaneously employed Bobby Knight and a guy (Leach) who went on a rant about his players’ “fat little girlfriends.”  Outstanding.

Kansas State

-  I’ll miss the fact that they wear flamboyant purple and don’t see anything wrong with it.
-  I’ll miss their coach who looks like a cross between Yoda and Bilbo Baggins and is older than both of them combined.
-  I’ll miss the fact that for a while their defense referred to themselves as “The Lynch Mob” and didn’t see anything wrong with that.
-  And lastly, I’ll miss the fact that I can’t make adult Pampers references nearly as often. At least not until we luck into the mother lode of “old man jokes” with Joe Paterno next year.

(*Authors Note: Thanks, JoePa, for making Bill Snyder look like he’s in the prime of his life.)

And Finally, Texas

-  I’ll miss their pomposity and their arrogance. I’ll miss the fact that they somehow managed to beat us this past year while losing to a Rick Neuheisel-led squad from UCLA.
-  I'll miss the fact that by the time I'm done writing this they'll probably have inked another 12 5-Star recruits. Damn you, Texas.
-  Actually, in all truth, I’ll miss literally nothing about Texas. Yes, they deserve to suck, and I hope they burn in post-Nebraska-irrelevant-on-the-national-scene hell.
-  But they probably won't. They're Texas. A fact which they never tire of reminding us of.