New Years Resolutions Sports Figures Should Make For 2011

Saturday marked the start of a new year, the beginning of 2011.

As always, millions of people will make a promise to themselves for the new year, to drop a few pounds, to curse less, whatever.

Luckily, I had a chance to talk to some of the biggest names in sports and ask them what their New Year's Resolutions are.

So here are their very own words made up by me.

Happy new year!

James Dolan

I resolve to re-acquire Ishiah Thomas, Jared Jeffries, and Stephon Marbury. And most importantly, to re-sign Eddie Curry to a nine figure contract, the guy’s got serious potential.

Jim Joyce

To eat more carrots!

LeBron James

What should I say? Should I say something modest? Should I resolve to be less arrogant? What should I say? Should I tell you how good I want to become? Should I really believe telling you my resolution isn’t wasting my time? What should I say? Should I have this article removed? Should I tell you I am not the right person for your article? What should I say? Should I tell you I’m not a traitor? Should I say what you want me to say? Maybe I should just disappear. Should I make you leave? Should I read you D-Wade’s resolution? Should I just start over? What should I say?

Ahh screw it, just sign me up for whatever Bosh said.

Ben Roethlisberger

To only have sex with people when they want to have it with me too... No promises though.

Stephen Strasburg

Greg Fiume/Getty Images

WASHINGTON - AUGUST 10: Stephen Strasburg #37 of the Washington Nationals sits in the dugout during the sixth inning of the game against the Florida Marlins at Nationals Park on August 10, 2010 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Get traded as soon as possible.

Allen Iverson

I resolve to not practice my Turkish.

Look, I know it’s important, and I know I’m supposed to lead by example, but we talkin’ about practice. What are we talkin’ about? Practice. Not the conversations that I have with my teammates, that I die for, but practice? How silly is that?

Tiger Woods

Stephen Dunn/Getty Images

THOUSAND OAKS, CA - DECEMBER 05: Tiger Woods lines up his putt on the 16th hole during the final round of the Chevron World Challenge at Sherwood Country Club on December 5, 2010 in Thousand Oaks, California. (Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images)

Let’s see, to eat a bigger breakfast, work on my short game, spend more time with my family, and… Who am I kidding? I resolve to have sex with less women!

Lane Kiffin

To coach he same team for AT LEAST two seasons.

Carlos Zambrano

I resolve to lead the National League in batting average. WHAT DO YOU F**KIN MEAN A PITCHER CAN’T LEAD THE LEAGUE IN BATTING AVERAGE!? ARE YOU F**KIN KIDDING ME!? 

Randy Moss

Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - OCTOBER 11: Randy Moss #84 of the Minnesota Vikings looks on from the sideline against the New York Jets at New Meadowlands Stadium on October 11, 2010 in East Rutherford, New Jersey. (Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)

To become a less picky eater.

Matt Dodge

I resolve to invent a time machine and go back in time to punt the ball out of bounds.

Tim Duncan

To learn at least five new facial expressions.

Amare Stoudemire

I resolve to try on defense before the two minute mark in the fourth quarter. Oh and to stop flipping up my goggles every time the game stops for a split second, I know it just makes me look like a tool.

Bryce Harper

To be even more awesome and talented… just kidding that isn’t possible.

Channing Crowder

To stop being so innocent. What are you talking about that’s a great… STOP SPITTING ON ME!

Clay Matthews

I resolve to get more hair endorsements than Troy Polamalu this year. 

Troy Polamalu

I resolve to… Clay said what!? You can tell Goldylox he’s on.

Austin Collie

To buy a harder skull. I saw a nice one really cheap on Amazon.

Nick Swisher

Oh boy, I can’t wait for the new season so I can make good on my resolution: To chew lots and lots of big league chew! And become better at Chutes & Ladders! 

Terrell Owens

Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

ATLANTA - OCTOBER 24: Terrell Owens #81 of the Cincinnati Bengals against the Atlanta Falcons at Georgia Dome on October 24, 2010 in Atlanta, Georgia. (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

To end Carson Palmer’s career and get Marvin Lewis fired.

Oh yeah, I also resolve to sign with another Super Bowl caliber team in the off-season and turn them into a doormat. Anybody know if New England’s looking for a new receiver?

Rasheed Wallace

To break the record for most technical fouls by a retired NBA player.

Latrell Sprewell

Lisa Blumenfeld/Getty Images

LOS ANGELES - MARCH 31: Latrell Sprewell #8 of the Minnesota Timberwolves looks on during a break in action against the Los Angeles Lakers on March 31, 2005 at Staples Center in Los Angeles, California. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agree

Get an office job so I can afford to feed my family.

Peyton Manning

My New Year’s Resolution is to actually run a play my offensive coordinator calls. You know, maybe once or twice.

Eddy Curry

Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

CHICAGO - NOVEMBER 04: Eddy Curry of the New York Knicks sits on the bench and watches his teammates take on the Chicago Bulls at the United Center on November 4, 2010 in Chicago, Illinois. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by dow

I resolve to continue to fill my teammates water bottles with only the coldest and freshest water in all the land.

John Wall

Al Bello/Getty Images

NEW YORK - JUNE 24: John Wall of Kentucky waits to be drafted as the first overall pick in the NBA Draft by The Washington Wizards at Madison Square Garden on June 24, 2010 in New York, New York. (Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images)

Ummm let’s see, I want to add more moves to my dance, and to become better at NBA 2K11, oooo oooo to see a girl naked, and if there’s any time I guess I’ll work on my outside shooting.

Shawn Kemp

To get at least one celebrity pregnant.

Ozzie Guillen

To (explicative) teach (explicative) all (explicative) young (explicative) Mexican (explicative) baseball (explicative) players (explicative) about (explicative) the (explicative) dangers (explicative) of (explicative) steroids.

And to curse less.