CBS Sues NFL Players Union—But Sports Fans Deserve More

CBS Interactive filed a lawsuit against the NFLPA after the union's demands of payment—for licensing fees—for CBS's use of NFL players' names and statistics for fantasy football. The suit contends that the NFLPA is violating anti-trust laws, and they're right—they are.

Yes, fantasy football has made a lot of money over the years, but the NFL Players Association trying to make a profit over FF's use of its players' names is comical.

If anything, fantasy football has increased the television ratings for NFL games—especially the bad ones—so the NFL should be grateful for the free promotions and extra revenue it receives from the networks and websites. Greedy $#$%$#@.

But since everybody is sue-happy, I have a few lawsuits I would like to file myself. Call it "Lisa Horne's Class Action Suits." I'm more than happy to share the monetary awards we sports fans so justly deserve.

Lisa Horne v. Clemson

For attempting to impersonate a top-20 football team.

v. Andy Roddick

For attempting to play tennis with his foot in his mouth, a clear violation of U.S. Open rules.


v. Chad Ocho Cinco

For insulting millions of illegal aliens guest workers and violating their civil rights by incorrectly spelling the Spanish word, Ochenta y Cinco.


v. Tennessee Volunteers

For disturbing the peace by giving Rick Neuheisel another reason to buy more pom-poms than he already has.


v. Ohio State

For medical fraud by already laying the groundwork for a great excuse if the Buckeyes lose to the USC Trojans next Saturday. Just what exactly is wrong with Beanie's foot?


v. NASCAR

For misrepresentation by making Greg Biffle and Kevin Harvick shoo-ins by virtue of pushing the ignition button and lulling Junior Nation to sleep.


v. Jamaica

For emotional distress, mon, after the Jamaican Olympic hurdlers were accused by Sports Illustrated for receiving shipments of steroids before the Olympics, mon.

v. South Carolina

For gross air pollution violations when the Gamecocks had both Smelley and Rank in their backfield and caused Nashville city officials to go to Defcon 5 after thinking a toxic spill had permeated the air.


v. NBC

For misrepresentation (of being a serious football network) and FCC violations (airing graphic violence and images that may be too disturbing for young children to watch, parental caution advised) by airing ND vs. SDSU when the competition is offering Ole Miss at Wake Forest, Oregon State at Penn State, and West Virginia at East Carolina.

v. New York Yankees

For making the world less "green" by forcing Yankees fans to wear paper bags over their heads against the Rays.

v. the MLB

For collusion and fraud by having plate umpires who can't keep track of a count (Angels vs. Tigers) and force scoreboard officials to change the correct count to an incorrect count. (Is Todd Donaghy related to this ump?)

v. the city of San Francisco

For a Senate recall. Is anyone really surprised that their state senator is seeking legal opinion on whether or not the LPGA can mandate English as its official language? Don't they have something better to do- like kick an armed forces recruiter or fly arrested illegal immigrants back home at their taxpayers' expense?

v. Krispy Kreme, et al

For creating undue influence on over fifteen college football teams' Athletic Directors' 2008 non-conference schedules and gross neglect for possibly causing players future medical problems due to eating too many calorie-laden cream puffs and cupcakes in the first week of football.


v. the sun

For emotional distress. The sun can't come up fast enough on football Saturdays, and needs to slow down its set in the early evenings.