NFL Week 16: Coach from the Couch

Christmas has come and gone, and with it, a ton of wrapping paper, cardboard and twist ties that hold toys in place so they look good in the box.

I'd like to meet the guy whose job it is to twist-tie things to boxes. I bet he has a crushing handshake.

The mere fact that it takes roughly 40 minutes to remove a horse figurine from a cardboard box is a true testament to the diligence the tie-twister person takes in making sure the horse figurine won't dislodge itself from the box and get his little fake face pressed up against the clear frontal area of the container...somehow making him look disfigured and not quite as shopper-appealing...so he spends his entire life on a store shelf until the front plastic see-through thingy gets so covered in dust you cannot tell what toy is in there anymore.

Then after you finally get the toy out of the box; you discover a recall, and the horse is radioactive.  You have to take back the horse, get a new non-radioactive one, and untie him from the box for an hour, all so your child can throw the horse on the floor and play with the box as said horse gets chewed by the dog.

I guess the good news is, the dog chewed the non-radioactive horse, so the waste products will be colorful, but won’t glow in the dark.

In other holiday news, there were football games played.

If you're a Cleveland Browns fan, or a Minnesota Vikings fan, Santa brought you the NFL equivalent of coal.  If you're a Washington Redskins fan, a New Orleans Saints fan, or a Tennessee Titans fan, you're rejoicing in the fact your team still has playoff potential when they could have been eliminated.

Let's start off in the AFC.

Browns take on the Bengals in the battle of Ohio.  Browns win, they are in the playoffs.  Titans lose?  Browns are in the playoffs.

Derek Anderson ties Brian Sipe for the most touch down tosses in team history at 28, but also throws four picks, and the Browns lose to the Bengals 19-14.

Seems appropriate that the Browns would not just lock up a playoff birth with a win, since Brian Sipe was a member of the Cardiac Kids way back when. The Browns honor him by making Cleveland fans sweat out the last week in grand cardiac fashion—unless of course Tennessee loses.

The Titans, meanwhile, take on the New York Jets, and win 10-6.  For some unexplainable reason, Cleveland still holds the last spot in the AFC Wild Card, but can do nothing about keeping that particular spots.

If Cleveland wins, and Tennessee wins, the Titans are in the playoffs.  If the Titans loses and Cleveland just sits at home on the couch and forfeits, Cleveland goes to the playoffs.

So Cleveland can win or lose next week and have nothing to do with getting into they playoffs. They just need Tennessee to lose. Tennessee has the control.

They win they’re in. They lose they’re out. That simple.

Titans fans rejoice. Cleveland fans think, “Where have I seen this before”?

On to the NFC playoff implications. 

Minnesota Vikings fans must think they have been mysteriously moved to Cleveland.  They beat the Redskins, and they are in the playoffs.  They lose, and they relinquish control of the fate of the last Wild Card spot to Washington.

Of course they lose 32-21. 

To add insult to injury, during the game, the Vikings are mounting a tremendous comeback. The Redskins make a catch that appeared to be out of bounds. Do the Vikings challenge? While they think about it, Washington hikes the ball and fumbles. Vikings ball!

Out comes the challenge flag, from Washington. Joe Gibbs challenges the fact the Vikings had 12 men on the field, and sure enough they do, so the fumble recovery is negated and Washington gets the ball back.

They score and the momentum swing is quashed.

Yet again, the craziness of the instant replay is revealed.  You aren’t allowed to review some game-changing plays, yet you can throw the red flag so officials can count the number of guys on a field of play.

I will never understand instant replay as long as I live.

Vikings lose, Redskins control their own destiny. Skins win? They're in. Vikes win and ‘Skins lose, Vikings are in. Both teams lose and New Orleans wins, the Saints get the last playoff spot.

Amazing!

The really strange part about New Orleans is this comes on the heels of their getting stomped by Philadelphia 38-23. You get beat like that, you should be out of the playoff picture—but they remain in the hunt even in defeat.

Another meaningful game saw the Chargers beat the Broncos 23-3 to control the No. 3 seed in the AFC. This would allow them to play Indy in the playoffs rather than undefeated New England.

Give a kid a choice between broccoli and chocolate, kids will take chocolate every time. Give an NFL team the choice between the undefeated guys at home or anyone else, they’ll take anyone else.

 

Patriots chase perfection

While the Pats game had no playoff value, it was meaningful in one way—the Patriots remained undefeated.

They played the cover-your-eyes-awful Miami Dolphins and won 28-7. New England is the first team in NFL history to go 15-0 in regular-season play.

The only thing standing between the Pats and perfection are the New York Giants.  Neither team is playing for a change in the playoff picture, so it will be interesting to see who starts, who doesn’t, and how important making or breaking the streak is to either team.

The Patriots play to be the best team ever; the Giants just risk the possibility of injury.  Who do you think is going to win?



Who do you not want to play in the playoffs?

If I were a high AFC seed, the team I wouldn't want in the first round is the Jaguars.  Those guys are on a major roll.

They stomped the Raiders 49-11 and locked up the first Wild Card spot in the AFC, along with the No. 5 seed. Take away the two losses to the Colts and the Jags only have two losses on the season.



Steelers win the Central Division

Take a Cleveland loss and combine it with a Pittsburgh win, put a little ketchup on it, you have the recipe for the Steelers winning the Central and securing at least one home playoff game.

On Sunday morning, a Steeler loss and a Cleveland win puts the Browns in front of that division. The talking heads on TV give the nod to Cleveland.

Obviously, none of these people are from Cleveland. Heartache and mayhem always follow Cleveland teams.

The Browns of 2007 are no different—and prove the curse right and the talking heads wrong, giving Pittsburgh the division. The Steelers beat the Rams 41-24.

Birds of a feather play in overtime together

The Phoenix Cardinals beat the Falcons 30-27 in overtime.  This allows the Cardinals the opportunity to come out of the season at .500, as they currently sit at 7-8.

The Cardinals at .500 at the end of a season?  I bet you'd have to go back a long way to find that.

 


And in quickie holiday wrap up fashion, the Seahawks beat the Ravens 27-6, the Lions beat the Chiefs 25-20, Bears beat the Pack 35-7, and the Colts beat Texas 38-15.

This type of wrap could be considered a punt in NFL terms—and basically that's what it is.

There are toys to be put together and twist ties to be removed from boxes, so the coach from the couch has to sign off early.

See you again next week...after all toys are assembled, played with, and broken.