Iron Mike Says Eat Your M-Fing Veggies!

"Welcome to 'Iron Mike's'. We got veggie soup, brussel sprouts, gluten-and-dairy free cheese cake. Don't ask for no Tyson's chicken."

OK, all right, thanks Mike. I'll sit down and eat. I won't even use my leather wallet. When you're not looking, I'll go to the restroom and sneak out my credit card. Please don't eat my children! 

Oh, wait. I have no worries because you're a vegan. Children and hearts are off your diet. Ears, too, I understand. But what if Marv Albert walked in?

"I'm a changed man. The only ears I chomp are corn."

And you're teaming up with Moshe Malamud, chairman of the Franklin Mint, to open a chain of high-end Kosher/Vegan restaurants?

"I'm a changed man. New wife, new life, less strife."

You claim in an article with DETAILS you've lost 130 pounds on an eight month vegan diet and that 'meat's become a poison to you'. You also claim to have more energy, to be drug free, and that Ali was the biggest smack talker of all time.

And you won't even eat a candy bar?

"Not even a Baby Ruth. And they were the best."

OK, all right, thanks Mike. (I'm taking my Baby Ruth and hiding it in my coat pocket. No way I want Mike to think I'm tempting him)

But how about this deal with Malamud?

A Jew and a Muslim working together on a Kosher restaurant? Phillie and New York co-habitating? Cue up Rocky: "Only in America." Maybe there's hope for us yet.

So if you go "Rocky" will Mr. T be part of the deal? "I pity to-fu that don't eat tofu."

So, how about it? Do you want Silliman on Sports to come up with a name for your franchise? Before you go Chairman Mao face tattoo all about my face, hear me out. It's not my first Rodeo...Frank (soy-turkey, of course... and kosher). We've named other enterprises.

How about if we just suggest a few menu items? If you like that we can name your place, OK?

Mike's Mock Meatloaf. Better than a punch in the gut.

Pananche of Feux-Veal Sweetbreads. Better than a sweet punch in the breadbasket.

Braised Toducky Pappandelle. Yo wanna box for that?

Cus D'Amato's Italian Eggplant Sandwich. Yo gotta problem wit that?

Moshe's Kosher Avocado Reuben. Be a mensch, munch a Reuben.

Corn niblet pudding. Made with the best ears.

Lime and Leek Borsch. Try it, you'll like it.

I'm sure you're excited about those menu items. You'll be just as giddy about our restaurant names.

Tyson's No-Chicken. Double meaning, get it? OK, check next.

Vega-Nosh. Says it all and you can weave the letters into a face tattoo logo.

Schlemichious!  Makes a kosher-vegan mouth water, right? OK, check next.

Veganimike's. Pronounced vegan-i-mike's and it sounds like banana and I'll expect a bunch of delicious banana and plantain dishes. Yummy? Good?

Better than a punch in the gut? OK, I'll leave now.