NFL's Worst Teams: The Sad Sack Seven Tumbling Towards Turkey Day

ESPN 18 is reporting the suddenly speaking Planter Peanut Man, known as Mister Peanut, and the suddenly unemployed Mister Goodwrench were both flown on Jerry Jones private jets to Dallas for top secret interviews for top secret jobs in top secret parts of Jerry's World.

Mister Goodwrench, who was replaced by Mister Not Nearly As Good With A Wrench But Will Work For A Buck An Hour in India or China, is reportedly an expert at fixing car wrecks as bad as the Dallas Cowboy season. 

Meanwhile the Peanut Man, who reportedly went on a booze, stripper, and drug bender and miraculously woke up in a seedy Vegas strip motel with the voice of Robert Downey Jr., said he has been watching football from stadiums, bars, and couches since George Halas was a pup but he has been unable to utter a word for over a 100 years until now. 

And, the Peanut Man said, that is unbelievably frustrating to be stuck silent in a bag, week after week doomed to be stuffed in a fat fan's beer soaked mouth, while watching Lovie Smith muck another replay challenge.  

Mister Peanut, provided he can stay away from beer, strippers and Charlie Sheen, seems confident he can turn the Cowboys around or at least do better than those duds Jason Garrett and Paul Pasqualoni.

That peanut sounds like he can not be cracked.

And when a peanut talks even Jerry Jones has to listen.

1 Dallas Cowboys [1-7]

Jerry Jones announced this week he has fired himself as General Manager and replaced himself with his evil Doppelganger Jer Jer Jones. 

Like when Lee Marvin played dual roles in Cat Ballou Jer Jones will wear a silver nose, like Tim Strawn, to distinction himself from his incompetent twin Jerry. 

What's the cost of a small silver nose when ye have spent millions on free agents who can not tackle, block or throw and on bad nips and tucks.

One can not make a good blade from bad steel so the seeds of Jerry's failure will sink the franchise for years to come.

Even if he puts a star on the tip of his silver nose.

But maybe, since he is still paying Wade Phillips, he can get him a banjo, grab his old man's hat and give the wandering troubadour role that Stubby Kaye filled so well in Cat Ballou a try.

And maybe Jessica Simpson will play Cat.

2] Buffalo Bills [0-8] vs Chicago Bears [5-3] in Toronto

After being insulted and sickened by this horrid exhibition of football Canadian authorities are considering attacking Maine in retaliation or at least hauling the Bills and Bears ownership across the drink to the Hague for crimes against Canada.

After this debacle, and sending Mike Singletary to do his motivational Full Monty about Great Britain, does the NFL really think another nation wants a franchise?

The NFL ought to consider adding teams in Los Angeles, Carolina, Cincinnati and Buffalo before they go over seas.

3] Carolina Panthers [1-8]

John " I can not wait to get out of Carolina" Fox's club has been posting a paltry 11 points a game.

The Panther fans must be proud that their team brought PSL's into the league.

The FDA is considering putting skulls, corpses, and bones on cigarettes as a warning of the dire results of that activity maybe they ought to just make them watch the Panther offense instead.

The Carolina Panther offense is as dead as Edward Teach. 

4] Cincinnati Bengals  [2-6]

On Carl Sagan Day the Haldron Collider created mini big bangs in old Europe.

Some in the New World worried about a black hole emerging and enveloping the earth.

Not to fear fore their has been a Black hole, or at least a Brown family hole, in Bungle Land for eons and it has never swallowed the league let alone the globe.

5] Minnesota Vikings [ 3-5]

Dick Nixon used to say acting like a madman was a way to instill confusion, loathing and fear into foreign enemies. 

Nixon, after a few bourbons, hoped enemies might think he was nuts and maybe he would nuke them..

Brad Childress seems to using the Nixon Madman approach to coaching the Vikings.

And, its whispered, he has been blending his Nixon madman attack with a mixture of quotes from Nixon hater Hunter Thompson.

Childress was musing on the Vikings sideline: 

"I hate to say this, but this place is getting to me. I think I'm getting the Fear.

The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real. No sympathy for the Devil, keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride.

Bad waves of paranoia, madness, fear and loathing - intolerable vibrations in this place. Get out. The weasels were closing in. I could smell the ugly brutes.

All energy flows according to the whims of the Great Magnet. What a fool I was to defy him."

6] Denver Broncos[2-6]

Colorado Dan Hawkins, like California Joe in They Died With Their Boots On, ain't never making it to California with his Colorado Buffalo boys.

And the Rocky Mountain High coach cleansing might just be starting as Josh McDaniels is leading his Broncos into yet another mid season complete collapse.

Maybe they ought to look at trading for that Peyton Hillis lad in Cleveland they say he is a comer.   .        

7] Detroit Lions [2-6]

On the anniversary of the sinking of the Edmond Fitzgerald, and the annual sinking of the Detroit Lions, fans are encouraged to stay after the usual loss and sing along with the Gordon Lightfoot song.

Fell free to substitute Lions for Fitzgerald at any point.

The wind in the wires made a tattletale sound
And a wave broke over the railing
And every man knew, as the Coach did, too,
T'was the witch of November come stealing.

Will the witch of November ever stop stealing seasons, and decades, in Detroit?

Terrible Revelation of the Week

Mike Holmgren, on The NFL Network's Top 100 Players, said he once left a message for Reggie white saying "Reggie this is God go to Green Bay."

After the Cleveland Browns some how beat the New England Patriots this week Holmgren left a message for Jerry Jones saying " I never thought this blockhead would win, call me Jerry."

Terrible Chowder head of The Week

Channing Chowder Head, former Florida Gator student athlete, confused Anne Frank and Helen Keller, while throwing in Stevie Wonder and a few F Bombs, this week while discussing spitting.  

Previously Chowder had pondered if the English spoke English and where the nation of London lies.

And naysayers claim a college bowl system would cause too much class work to be missed. 

Terrible Tippling Point Team

Mike Shanahan and Son are just a tiny tip from turning their entire team on them and sinking yet another sad Skin season.

Venomous Albert Haynesworth already hates the Shanahans' but one more benching of Donovan McNabb, no matter how bad he plays, coupled with a loss will turn the season sour.

And that's what ye get when your back up plan is labeled Rex Grossman.

Terrible Signal Caller Fall of the Week

Last week Mike Shanahan basically said he felt about Donovan McNabb they way Dean Wormer felt about Flounder in Animal House.

This week Tony Sparano of Miami benched Chad Henne while saying it was not an indictment of Henne or his future.

But when your replacement is weak armed, aging Chad Pennington, who can not throw a football 30 yards down-field or through a 5 mile South Beach breeze, it's welcome to back up quarterback world for the suddenly hanging Chad.    

Terrible Game of the Week

Seattle Seahawks vs Arizona Cardinals

After a brief blip the Cardinals are falling into their decades long dismal routine of cheap, bad Bidwell Family Football. 

Card fans are doomed in the desert.

Meanwhile Pete Carroll is struggling with a smaller salary cap than he had at Southern Cal and the fact that its harder to beat teams when your top 80 players are not significantly larger and faster than your opponent each week..