For Lindsey Vonn's Birthday: I Want Her Protecting Our House

Lindsey Vonn, the greatest Alpine skier in the world, knows how to protect a house.

If you saw her Under Armour commercial you can see she is strong, very well balanced (she can stand on one of those big rubber balls that flop me on my fanny if I just try sitting on one), extremely fast and she has legs that will scare away would-be house intruders. She can protect my house.

Don't you agree? Wouldn't you hate to be an intruder thinking you're going to boost a plasma TV and then—BAM—you're downed by a skier who skied down the stairs and trapped your ass. You try to get away but big iron-grip thighs have you in a vice where you can barely breathe. Your buddy tries to help but gets poked in the groin by the sharp end of a ski pole.

Lindsey Vonn knows how to protect a house!

And she can do it with a smile, photographers around, in a bikini or however she wants.

Her birthday is October 18th. You have only a few days to send her cards or gifts or well wishes to her on Facebook. Do it!

I bet you're asking, "What do you get for a very wealthy, very healthy, very pretty skier?" It's tough finding the right gift for Lindsey Vonn.

I suggest cheese. The three-years-in-a-row world champion loves cheese. Cheese helped her win a gold medal. If everybody sends her cheese, she can have enough to build her own mountain. Stack it up, form it, make a mountain out it. Call it Colby Mountain. She skis down. Who wouldn't want to eat cheese skied on by Lindsey Vonn?

Cheese helped get her a gold medal. It healed her leg. All hail the anti-inflammatory powers of cold, malleable CHEESE. Check out this story from Winter Olympics time (it rhymes): 

To Heal, Skier Vonn Chooses Cheese

U.S. Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn is using cheese to heal her injured shin. For the purpose of reducing inflammation, she’s using an Austrian cheese called topfen.

Topfen is a soft cheese without whey.

No whey, you say?

To which we respond…resoundingly with: "Absolutely, whey!"

Yes, we repeat, the slalomly Lindsey and her Vonnerage are resorting to fromage.

So her medal dreams are no mirage, they’re resorting to fromage.

Her boo-boos in need of mending, and yes, we’d love to be attending for if you saw her swimsuit layout per pages 84, 86 and 87…you’d have no trouble comprehending.

With body perfect plus skiing form which won two world cups…and yes, if you’ve seen pages 84, 86 and 87 you’ve seen those world cups.

But will it work, this cheese ice pack, as an inflammatory reducer?

Her team of experts, her muscle mechanics at Lindsey Vonn Garage, swear it is just that…a super cure-all producer.

That’s why they resorted to fromage.

It’s worked for years since the dawn of cheese…invented by the Kurds…a cottage industry of animals…working without words.

Its varied uses are storied epics in works of history. Who can forget the Big War French with their rubber-shortage tires…when gouda wheels came into being to put out those metaphoric fires.

Downhill racers need strong firm shins as they’re shushing down the mountain. Calcium helps firm up those shins… from cheese, if you’re still countin’.

From cheese circles, yes, we’ve gathered our own experts. Does topfen work? Will it save the day? Will the legend turn out true?

“Why, yes, it’s known to act this way,” says cheese activist, Jane Fondue. 

But from the skeptic camp with a theory damp on Jane’s bubble he comes to stomp us. “There’s no science supporting this,” snaps cheese whiz, Stevie Wampus.

“Oh, yes there is. In the affinage, if you catch it before it cures.”

“Oh, there you go, Miss Expert, I bet under your saddle, there’s burrs.”

“Well, then” comes back Miss healthy Jane, “I can do more dips than you.”

“Bring it!” Wampus says, crouching low, cheese ball in hand, “Miss Fondue.”

Hey guys, no cheese fights, we have to say. What about the lovely Lindsey Vonn and the poem you messed up? We had something good going. I guess this is what we get for importing a couple of cheese experts. Geesh.