Brett Favre: The Monday Night Football Drinking Game

It would be easy to say sip every time the moniker Brett Favre is mumbled, muttered, screamed, or shouted during Monday's Minnesota Vikings-New York Jets matchup.

But that would be the equivalent of the Medieval Water Cure torture and would leave fans with bellies as distended as Rex Ryan after an all you can eat Las Vegas buffet. 

Still, the sadists and soaks should feel welcome to sip the sauce every time someone utters that magical moniker Brett Favre. 

But for the others—after all, it is a Monday—the Brett Favre Monday Night Football drinking game needs a few liver-saving amendments.

And now the proposals.

Drink every time Jon Gruden refers to Brett Favre as a football player he'd want on his team any day, just a good guy, a real football player, or as one of the two or three best ever.

Drink if Gruden also refers to Randy Moss as a football player he'd want on his team any day, a real football player, or one of the two or three best wide receivers ever.

Drink a double if Gruden refers to them both in the same sentence as just great football players he'd want on his team any day or as real football players.

Drink the bottle if you believed that Moss or Favre were NASA astrophysicists, neurosurgeons, classical Greek scholars, or anything but real football players.

Drink if Mike Tirico asks to sit on Brett Favre's lap for the pre-game interview.

Drink a double if Favre lets him and says, "Jump up, lil' buddy."

Drink if Favre pets Tirico, Gruden, and Ron Jaworski and calls them his Oompa-Loompas.

Drink every time an announcer makes an excuse for a Favre boneheaded turnover.

Drink at every shot of Deanna Favre.

Drink at any mention of whether it is Brett Favre's last year.

Drink if it's mentioned that Brett Favre is a winner or wants to win another ring.

Drink any time NFL parrot Mike Pereira appears on screen to back up his officials. 

Drink every time Favre draws a roughing penalty and is hardly touched.

Drink if Brad Childress is giving Favre a foot rub on the sidelines or if he has to carry Favre to the locker room while on all fours while making wild horse sounds.

Drink if a giggling Favre gives Childress a noogie.

Drink at any mention Favre being one of the great stories in sports.

Drink if Favre slaps Childress and says no, that's not the play we are running.

Drink if Childress misses the game because he got lost showing Randy Moss Minnesota.

Drink if Skip Bayless says he is dressing as Deanna Favre for Halloween.

Drink if Colin Cowherd is at the game dressed as Deanna Favre.

Drink if Fran Tarkenton challenges Favre to a duel at halftime.

Drink if Mike Ditka appears drunk.

Drink if Ditka begins shouting, "I'm mad! I'm mad!" like Lincoln assassination conspirator Lewis Powell and jumps on a horse and rides off the set.

Drink at any sighting or mention of Buddy Ryan.

Drink every time Favre is referred to as the greatest ever.

Drink every time the announcers or camera crew misses a key play because they are talking about or filming Favre on the sidelines.

Drink every time the camera catches Favre picking his nose.

Drink if Rex Ryan explodes on the sideline like Mister Creosote from Monty Python

Drink at every shot of Favre and Moss laughing, high-fiving, or butt-grabbing each other.

Drink at every mention that Moss and Favre wanted to be together for a long time now.

Drink if Favre just keeps dunking bucket after bucket of Gatorade on Childress from the first quarter onward.

Drink if Favre and Moss are holding Childress upside down and dipping his head in the Gatorade bucket.

Drink if the announcers ignore several key plays in the game while discussing Brett Favre's future.

Drink if the announcers miss a touchdown or turnover while discussing Brett Favre's future or past.

Drink at any commercial Brett Favre appears in.

Drink at every Favre turnover and sack.

Drink every time an official giggles at an on-field Favre funny line.

Drink at any tape of Favre as a New York Jet.

Drink at any tape of Favre in a football uniform other than a Viking.

Drink at every mention of Favre's tough parting from the Packers, Falcons, or Jets.

Drink at every Favre Super Bowl or Monday Night Football highlight clip.

Drink at every tape of Favre spurting man tears while announcing his retirement.

Drink a double if the Favre man tears or the retirement announcement are live.

Drink a triple if any announcer actually breaks into tears while discussing Brett Favre.

Drink at every mention of Brett Favre's courage.

Drink a double if he is compared to Audie Murphy.

Drink if a laughing Rex Ryan goes Jack Handey and says to a bawling Favre, "It takes a big man to cry but a bigger man to laugh at that man."

Drink at every mention of Favre's injured ankle.

Drink every time Chris Berman screams Brett Favre.

Drink every time some TV talking babble head begins with, "The way you beat Brett Favre..."

Drink at every mention Mississippi of his Vikings teammates' trip to Mississippi to lure Favre back.

Drink, solemnly, at every sad Favre family story.

Drink if the broadcast opens with Tirico examining texted pictures of Favre's package.

Drink if Favre is texting penis pictures from the sideline while the game is going on.

Drink if anyone mentions Favre sending package pictures to pretty reporters.

Drink a double if any announcer says I'd sure like to see that one. 

Drink a triple if Berman says, "Hold on, I got it right here."

Drink if during the opening sequence Frank Gifford stops his Favre story, grabs a Scotch, and says I am so sick of Brett ***** Favre I could puke.

Drink a double if Gifford does puke.

Drink at any mention of Favre's past pill-popping or constant drunkenness.

Drink at any mention of a special Favre halftime interview.

Drink a double if it's Deanna and Brett discussing their troubles.

Drink if you see Brett Favre driving a truck or selling something.

Drink if John Madden materializes and says, "Brett Favre completes me."

Drink if John Madden materializes and mutters I'm really starting to hate Brett ***** Favre too.

Drink if Joe Kapp appears and says at 71 he would play one year for 20 million bucks too.

Drink if Favre beams Stuart Scott in the head with a post-game football pass. 

Drink if the first words from Mike Tirico are Brett Favre.

Drink if the last words from Stuart Scott are Brett Favre.

Drink if you think Mike Tirico will still be sitting alone in a dark stadium at three in the morning talking about Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre.....