Jaded and Indignant Return For Week 4 Power Rankings and Predictions

And we’re back.  Sorry for the delay but we decided that it might be better to start writing our picks after a few weeks in the NFL when things actually made sense.   (Read:  We were lazy and very good at justifying our excuses.)  Actually, who are we kidding?  The league makes absolutely no sense so far. 

Regardless, we decided to try and rank the teams to make picking and gambling easier on us for this week.  As usual, we know absolutely nothing and we will probably suck at this.

Standings Through Week 3:
Indignant: 28-20
Jaded: 28-20

(we talk football a lot)

Also, this year we’ve started picking 5 games against the spread every week to determine if we need to add degenerative gambling to our impressive football resumes that already include fantasy football addicts and terrible writers. 

Through week 3:
8-6-1.  Know any good bookies?

WEEK 4 POWER RANKINGS and PICKS

1. Pittsburgh – Their D is like a like a raging case of herpes to the opposing QB – not that                                I would know anything about what that’s like.

2. Green Bay – I keep expecting Clay Matthews to take off his helmet and it be Fabio. A girl can wish, can’t she?

3. Indianapolis – I wanted to put them at #2, but the Packers D is clearly better right now – Colts will need to stop teams if they want to win. Maybe Peyton can shut down the white WR robot assembly line and have it build a new, more durable Bob Sanders and a couple other DB’s.

4. Atlanta – If Matt Ryan can continue to protect the ball, these guys will continue to be a top 5 team. Turns out Mike Smith is a pretty damn good coach- appears Jacksonville should’ve kept him and let the Falcons have Del Rio.

5. New Orleans – What’s that sound you might ask. . . Well I do believe it’s the Madden curse crawling up Drew Brees’ leg. Oh, and it’s also thousands of weeping fantasy owners.

6. Chicago –  Jay Cutler will be pretty darn good if continues to make sure penalties are called on 5 of his 7 interceptions every game – and also if he has 5 of his 7 chins surgically removed.

7. Houston – Some might say their D is too inept to win anything this year. Many said that about the Saints last year though. Something most people aren’t saying though, is that Gary Kubiak is still their coach. Now that’ll give you reason to believe. In a first round playoff loss.

8. NY Jets – We’re already almost a month after Hard Knocks aired, and there still isn’t a Rex Ryan branded Trail Mix or Candy Bar. What’s going on America?!

9. New England – I’ve decided every team should have a Wes Welker. He’s awesome. That’s all.

10. Miami – Sometimes during boring football games (read: any time Miami’s offense has been on the field this year) I often wonder if Ricky Williams would rather be ‘wake-and-baking’ with the NYJ Santonio Holmes than watching Chad Henne throw the ball 30 times a week.

11. Baltimore – The big story in Pittsburgh this week relates to Ray Lewis and Ben Roethlisberger exchanging texts during the week before their match-up.  The big story in my world is trying to figure out how much sleep their respective PR agents lose over the contents of these conversations.  On a similar note, that faint sound you hear is their mutual lawyer salivating over the dollar signs popping up during their (inevitable) next legal issues.

12. Tennessee – Listen, Chris Johnson might be a very fun player to watch and a great fantasy football X Factor, but he wore a leather vest to the ESPY’s, and for that he shall never be forgiven. Damn you CJ2K! P.S. that nickname is siiiick.

13. Philadelphia – Maybe Andy Reid can just end all of this QB hullabaloo by going out and getting some chocolate syrup and lots of caramel and whipping up a nice Candy Coated Kolb. I hear that’s what he did to get rid of Doug Pederson.

14. Dallas – Imagine how many naps a day Wade Phillips takes during a bye week. What’s the over/under? 3? 4? 12?

15. San Diego – I can’t imagine why no one in San Diego wants to go to a game. It’s 90 degrees and sunny and there are half naked awesomely gorgeous people walking around all day. Why wouldn’t they want to go watch a team that refuses to care until week 8 every season?

16. Cincinnati – Do you think Bengals fans would notice or care they just started Joe Theisman or Steve Young instead of Palmer? I tend to think I would’ve ranked them 2-3 spots higher if they announced this.

17. Kansas City – It’s entirely possible the Kansas City Chiefs will be the only NFL undefeated team on Sunday night.  Yep, life is reallllllly fair for us 49er and Carolina fans.

18. Minnesota – Brett Favre really doesn’t seem to be as much of the havin’est funnest gun slinginest aw shucker around these days now does he? God I hope he breaks a hip soon.

19.  Washington – The world would be a much much much better place if Donovan McNabb had earned a canine nickname at some point in his career.  Vick vs. ‘The Top Dog.’?  Vick vs. ‘The Big Dawg’?  Screw it, I just wish McNabb would have posed for PETA at some point in his life.  Why God, why?

20. Denver- Dear Denver,  Newsflash:  Mike Shanahan is no longer your head coach.  Also, WR tandems are NOT RB tandems.  Therefore if you are going to throw the ball 40+ times a game pick a WR and stick with him.  Signed, Fantasy Addicts of America Anonymous.

21. NY Giants- Dear Eli Manning, ah derrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  We are certain you understood that.  Signed, Every Short Bus Driver in America.  P.S.  You’re not fooling us, Brandon Jacobs is f’n terrible.

22. Tampa Bay – Thank god they’re not playing this week, because I couldn’t dream up a less interesting team.

23. Seattle – Seattle certainly gets quite the crowd up there in Quest Field huh? I am such an angry 49ers fan at this point that it’s really not fair to make me jealous of a Pete Carroll coached team.. WTF?!?

24.  St. Louis – Is there a bigger Sam Bradford fan in the world than Stephen Jackson?  I’d bet a lot that SJax spends most of his evenings begging his legs to hold on long enough to keep him relevant for a few more years to watch Bradford mature.  “Just two more years, please.  Just let me play ONE FREAKING PLAYOFF GAME, then it’s ice baths and icy hot for you for the rest of our lives.”  For what it’s worth I’m paraphrasing the pep talk I give one of my body parts daily.

25. Arizona – How much longer can we possibly go before Larry Fitzgerald storms the ‘Dancing with the Stars’ set (a la the crazy guy at the end of Boiler Room) and takes Kurt Warner hostage back to the Arizona locker room?  Scratch that, how much longer till a devoted Fitzgerald fan does it FOR Larry?

26. Detroit – Don’t worry, Detroit, Matt Stafford may have lifelong shoulder issues; Jahvid Best may have turf toe; and Calvin Johnson may be counting the days till he can get the ‘eff’ out of Detroit; BUT at least Obama gave you the cash for clunkers program.  It was nice of him to get all of the old cars off the street that still had Detroit Lions bumper stickers on them.

27. Oakland – I wonder what the preseason odds of a healthy Jason Campbell NOT being the starter in week 4 in Oakland WHILE Darren McFadden WAS.  8gazillion to one sound right?

28.  Cleveland – Do insurance companies factor in the fact that God hates Cleveland into their policies and premiums?  If so, what do you think Peyton Hillis paid for his insurance upgrade this week?  One amazing week in Cleveland can only end poorly for the former fullback.

29. San Francisco – Is it really that difficult to be the offensive coordinator in San Francisco?  Here, let me try.  First down, hand the ball to Frank Gore.  Second down, throw the ball to Vernon Davis for a first down.  First down, thirty yard pass to Michael Crabtree.  Second down, Alex Smith fumbles, send the defense on the field.  Come on, ANYBODY could do that.

30. Buffalo – I understand this team is terrible.  I understand the offensive line has more holes in it than my liver.  I understand C.J. Spiller is the angriest person in the world.  I get these things.  What I’ll NEVER understand is why you would send out a message to the league that you’re willing to cut your starting QB when you’re trying to trade your former starting RB.

31. Carolina – Oooooh.  So THIS is why Carolina fans never got to see the team draft a quarterback.  Can we just start the lockout now?

32. Jacksonville – Do you think they’ll go by the Los Angeles Jaguars or will they rename the team all together? 

(Summary of week 4 Indignant picks: Steelers; Packers; Colts; Falcons; Saints; Bears; Texans; Jets; Patriots; Titans; Eagles; Chargers; Browns; Rams)

(Summary of week 4 Jaded picks:  Steelers, Packers, Colts, Falcons, Saints, Bears, Texans, Jets, Patriots, Titans, Eagles, Chargers, Bengals, Seahawks)