The 10 Worst Sports Action Figure Ideas
In one of the most boneheaded decisions in toy history, Mattel recently announced the release of a "Sports Reporter Barbie Doll".
Officially Called "Barbie I Can Be News Anchor Doll," Barbie's latest look screams professionalism and class. With the pink jacket, low-cut top, knee-high frilly skirt and bright pink folder, Barbie looks ready to take inappropriate sexual advances from the New York Jets players and coaches.
This newest entry in a long line of potentially offensive or self-esteem crushing Barbies got us to thinking: What would be the most awkwardly hilarious action figures or commemorative dolls of all time?
What kind of super awesome accessories or features would come with them? What kind of witty phrases would be uttered at the push of a button or the pull of a string?
Here are the 10 most ill-advised action figure ideas of all time.
10. Zinedine Zidane 2006 World Cup Action Figure
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The perfect gift for French and Italian soccer fans across the globe, the Zinedine Zidane 2006 World Cup action figure commemorates the football legend's final international game.
Dressed in authentic French uniforms, Zidane come with Kung-Fu Headbutt action. Simply squeeze his legs together and watch his dome smash through cups, boxes, or Marco Materazzi's sternum.
Comes with a free red card.
9. Tiger Woods Action Figure
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Woods is one of the greatest golfers of all time, so it stands to reason he'd have his own action figure, right?
This model comes with a replica cell phone (that's apparently impossible to lock), a removable goatee, and authentic golf club black eye and facial lacerations. Plus, push the button on his back and hear one of 7 preprogrammed generic apologies.
A must have for any golf fan this Christmas.
8. Ozzie Guillen Postgame Press Conference Doll
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A must have for any young baseball fan this Holiday season, the Ozzie Guillen postgame press conference doll is 10 inches of cute, cuddly plush Ozzie.
With authentic White Sox gear, he's ready to lay into another poor reporter. Push the buttons on his back (get it, to get him to talk you have to push his buttons!) and receive an expletive laced tirade in authentic Guillen gibberish!
As an added bonus, Guillen comes with "Interview Mode". Ask him how his team played today, and you'll get a customized tirade just for you! It's the chance to be sworn at by one of baseball's most beloved figures, and will brighten any child's day.
.jpg?w=256 "Colts Jaguars Football")
7. LeBron James "The Decision" Commemorative Action Figure
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In honor of the Earth-shakingly important television event "The Decision", we bring you the LeBron James "The Decsion" Commemorative Action Figure. Featuring LeBron James in authentic Miami Heat attire, this figure comes with TV cameras and an authentic Cleveland Cavaliers basketball fan figurine.
Push the button on James' back, and his right arm chops down, holding a knife. With this, you can accurately replicate James' stabbing of Cavs fans in the back.
Push the other button on his back, and he'll even say "I'm taking my talents to South Beach" while doing it.
If you're a basketball fan, you've got to have this historic set.
6. Vince Carter Action Figure
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The Vince Carter action figure is a must have for Raptors, Nets and Magic fans alike. With three interchangeable uniforms, you can replicate any era of Carter's career.
However, if you touch him, Vince will collapse in a heap on whatever surface he's standing on and will spend the rest of the evening leaning slightly to the left after you set him back up.
Plus, unless you have the Dwight Howard action figure, Carter won't move. He'll just stand there, until you surround him with what he wants.
5. Steve Bartman Doll
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The Steve Bartman Doll is your standard pull string doll. Pull the cord coming out of his back, and he'll say things like "Hey! A foul ball!" or "I got it!"
The deluxe edition Bartman doll comes with a replica Cubs fan you can punch in the face.
4. Ron Artest Brawl Commemorative Action Figure
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In honor of Ron Artest's 2010 NBA Championship with the Lakers, we're happy to present the Ron Artest brawl commemorative action figure.
Standing a regal 12 inches tall, Artest is dressed in the 2004 road uniform of the Indiana Pacers. Knock him down, pour soda on him, and watch him get up and fume. Point him towards something, push the button on his back, and watch him hit whatever's next to what he's aiming for.
The more you push the button on his back, the more Artest will swing his arms wildly. He's the kind of gift any basketball fan would immediately return to the store you purchased him from.
3. Michael Vick Limited Edition Dogfighting Beanie Baby
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With Michael Vick's return to NFL prominence, it's the perfect time to remember why he left the spotlight in the first place.
These limited edition Beanie Babies are dogs that come in either red and black or green and white, and feature Vick's number seven prominently on the left flank and his inmate number on the right.
Each of these adorable puppies has an authentic black eye, and a portion of your purchase goes to help the ASPCA combat dogfighting rings. Hurry though! Supplies are extremely limited!
2. Braylon Edwards DUI Action Figure
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The Braylon Edwards DUI action figure stands 12 inches tall, and comes dressed in a Jets jersey and jeans.
Pull the string on the back, and he'll say things like "Is there an officer, problem *Hic*?" or "I swear to drunk I'm not *hic* God!" or "No! I *hic* don't need to take a field sobriety test."
Edwards comes with an authentic replica breathalyzer test that you can put in his mouth. When the red light flashes, you can say "I think you've had a little too much to drink, Mr. Edwards."
This is the perfect gift for any Jets fan, to remind them of whose intoxicated hands their season rests in.
1. Clint Malarchuck Jugular Action Figure
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This one is not a spoof, it's real, which is why it's number one on my list.
Malarchuck was a goalie for the Buffalo Sabres in 1989. During a game with the St. Louis Blues, his jugular vein was severed, and blood covered the crease. It was without question one of the most horrifying injuries in sports history.
But that didn't stop McFarlane Toys from creating a custom figurine of the incident, complete with bloody ice and hand.
Because, when a man almost dies from an injury in sports, our first thought should be "That would make a sweet action figure!"
.jpg?w=480 "Colts Jaguars Football")
