The NBA's Situation Nation: Casting NBA Players as Jersey Shore Characters
When MTV first launched Jersey Shore in December of 2009, there's no way the programming executives could have predicted the social atomic bomb it would drop on teenagers and young adults across the country.
It started off innocently enough, developed something along the lines of a cult following, and quickly became the highest rated original cable series on television.
Now, Jersey Shore has an estimated six million viewers, and its cast members are reaping the benefits. After going on strike while negotiating new contracts, the eight stars now find themselves handsomely rewarded for...well...pretty much doing nothing.
It's reported that the cast will be making about $30,000 per episode during Season 2...and that's not even taking into account other forms of income such as appearances at parties or bars and merchandising (like you don't have a GTL t-shirt in your closet right now). Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino will make about $5 million this year—pretty nice change for a reality TV star.
Hmmm, let me think...a group of people that make an inordinate amount of money, entertain us for a few hours per week, demand even more money when they're already overpaid and threaten a lockout if they don't get their way, and create a polarizing viewpoint from fans and antagonists across the country.
Sounds a lot like the NBA, right?
Don't get me wrong—the NBA is the greatest collection of athletes playing the greatest sport in the entire world. But it does have its fair share characters and moments that leave people thinking, "how can we possibly relate to these guys?"...very similar to what unfolds on Jersey Shore.
These two empires are really not that dissimilar.
So what would Jersey Shore look like if it were made up of a cast of NBA players? Or what NBA players best represent the personalities of the eight housemates? Think about this the next time you watch the show; it'll give you something to do while Snooki drones on and on into the camera about some guy named Emilio.
Since it's my list, we're starting from the most disliked character to my favorite Jerseyan...
Snooki: DeShawn Stevenson
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Snooki is insufferable.
She's unattractive, talks too much, and thinks she's the center of attention. People either love or hate her—there are few that are completely neutral.
So wouldn't her NBA equivalent have to be someone that gets fans' blood boiling?
Most fans would hate DeShawn Stevenson. The sad truth is, few know who he actually is since he never plays. But even he acknowledges he might be the most despised player in the league.
But people don't hate Stevenson or Snooki because they're jealous or successful. People hate them because they're cocky and arrogant...only they've never accomplished anything in their lives! (To be fair, that could be said for most of the cast of the show.)
These two are one in the same. And their collective talent levels have to make you think, "How the **** are they making more in 10 hours of work than I'll make in a year?"
Angelina: Rasheed Wallace
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Angelina loves making trouble. She runs her mouth off to no end, is always looking for confrontations, and is typically the center of whatever drama is unfolding in the house.
And to top it all off, she's lazy. Incredibly lazy. Unbelievably lazy. Have you ever seen her do a thing on the show?
Her apathy often rubs her roommates the wrong way—like a few weeks ago when she wouldn't clean the kitchen, then flipped out once Mike called her out on it.
Naturally, her NBA counterpart would have to Rasheed Wallace.
I know 'Sheed's retired, but sue me. The most frustrating part about Rasheed's game was that he wouldn't give full effort every possession and often appeared disinterested, taking bad shots, and playing lethargically.
The same goes for Angelina—you would think that if she dropped some of her attitude and just did a little work once in a while, she wouldn't be all that bad. But you either have that drive or you don't...and neither of these two did.
Too bad.
Ronnie: Zach Randolph
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Ronnie might be the biggest headcase on the show. Sometimes he's very calm and collected; at others, he's wild and out of control.
Sometimes he seems like a guy you wouldn't mind drinking a few Heineken's with; then again, if you get too many in him, the 'roid rage could break loose.
The bottom line: he's completely unpredictable. And is there more a unpredictable NBA player than Zach Randolph?
Maybe he'll put on 20 pounds and waddle his way up-and-down the court in New York. Maybe he'll be traded by Portland simply for the fact that they don't want No. 1 pick Greg Oden anywhere near him.
Or maybe he'll lead one of the most surprising teams in the league to a 40-win season while averaging 20.8 points and 11.7 rebounds and making the All-Star team.
Plus, these two are both notorious for throwing punches. Ronnie landed a few left-handers after a few drinks at the bar, while Randolph once punched teammate Ruben Patterson while in Portland and decked Louis Amundson in '09.
Vinny: Brandon Roy
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I feel bad for putting Brandon Roy on this list—he's such a nice guy with great character that he doesn't deserve to be put on the Jersey Shore level.
But Vinny is kind of the same way. I mean sure, he likes going out and trying to pick up a few ladies every night, but what 21 year old doesn't?
Roy is usually playing his best basketball when you don't really notice him, if that makes sense. He hits a few jumpers, gets into the lane, knocks down some free throws, and then you look at the stat sheet and say, "damn, I didn't realize he has 30 points already."
Similarly, the best episodes are when Vinny, Pauly, and Mike are all heavily featured. You don't really miss Vinny until you get an episode where all you see is him sitting on the couch—that's when you realize he's a quiet but integral part of the show.
Pauly D: Steve Nash
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This one's pretty self-explanatory.
Steve Nash is the best point guard in the league in terms of getting the most out of whatever talent is around him. It's no coincidence he led the NBA in assists four of the last six years.
Pauly is the best wingman that Jersey has to offer. He's always out as the sidekick with Mike, Vinny, or sometimes Ronnie. He's probably been responsible for countless hook-ups throughout his career.
Remember the recurring Chappelle Show skit "Great Moments in Hook-up History?" Pauly could have his own hour-long special.
And last but not least, let's not forget the hair—it's both guys' trademark.
JWoww: Allen Iverson
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JWoww's NBA counterpart was the most difficult of any Jersey Shore character to find. After all, she doesn't really have one defining trademark that sets her apart.
Last week's throwdown with Sammi had the potential to be epic but fizzled out. And Sammi's NBA player hasn't really had any physical confrontations on the floor so you couldn't go in that direction either.
Then, after digging through some videos and old episodes, I found this classic quote (sorry, no video link):
"I have a bad habit of playing little emotional games... It's cool in the beginning, we do our thing in the first month, then I send them on a roller coaster ride to hell."
After that, only one name comes to mind: Allen Iverson.
In the beginning, it's great. Iverson is looking forward to turning over a new leaf with a new team (Philly, Denver, Detroit, Memphis, Philly again). He's excited to be a productive member and just wants to help his squad win.
Then things get a little rocky. He starts complaining about shots or his role with the team. He becomes a malcontent in the locker room; maybe his off-the-court life gets him into further trouble. Before you know it, he's worn out his welcome and needs a fresh start elsewhere.
Now, Iverson is struggling to find a team just to give him a chance to play. And I might wager that in a few years, JWoww could have the same problem.
Sammi: Vince Carter
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Sammi is probably the most naturally attractive of any of the four girls. And maybe I instinctively like her a little more because she wears sweatpants around the house and lays in bed all day—something to which I'm not adverse.
But she is a drama queen and milks every little thing to her advantage.
Likewise, Vince Carter is one of the most naturally gifted basketball players on the planet. But he rarely gets fired up enough to use those talents; he just never had the drive to use that ability to be one of the all-time greats.
Basically, instead of wearing nice Armani suits and going out in public, he lays in bed wearing sweatpants.
And he's been known to nurse an injury or two in his favor as well. While he doesn't quite have the flare for dramatics as Sammi, they both have laziness down cold.
The Situation: Dwyane Wade
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The Situation is the ringleader of the group. He gets what (or who) he wants, is a sneaky-good marketer (GTL products, anyone?), and makes the most out of what he's been given (like making millions of dollars off a reality TV show).
Those are the exact attributes of Mr. Dwyane Wade...aside from the making millions off reality TV part.
But this offseason, Wade got the players he wanted to join him in South Beach, he's an ever-growing name in the Nike/Air Jordan market, and he's sure to make the most of this potential dynasty by cementing himself as one of the best two-guards of the post-Michael generation.
Let's pretend for a minute that Wade, LeBron James, and Chris Bosh didn't have this plan together for a long time. Can't you just imagine the reported free agent summit happening with Wade leading the helm, leaning over to the other two with the same sly smile he has in the picture, and saying, "alright fellas, here's the situation..."
