Fantasy Football Satire: How to “Obama” a Fantasy Draft in Six Steps

So you’re starting a new fantasy football league with your friends and they have elected you as the Commissioner/President?

Great!

Now you just need a few pointers on how to make sure things run smoothly.

Take a cue from our President, Barack Obama – he knew exactly what to do with his position of power the minute he stepped in. With swift initiative and a stroke of the pen, he has changed the country forever.

You can do the same with your fantasy football league.

By following these steps, you too can have fans who cry tears of joy when they see you and hang on your every word. So listen up, Mister President, and start taking notes.

Step One: Proclaim ‘Change” but Don’t be too Specific

Perhaps the most important part to “Obama” your draft is making the other owners believe.

They need to believe everything you say, no matter what you say.

Barack Obama’s campaign slogan was one simple word – “Change.”

Yours can be, too.

Tell the people in your league that you are tired of seeing these other boring, poorly put together fantasy football leagues, and that your league is going to be different.

It’s going to be fun, it’s going to be unique, and it’s going to be better than any other league that they’ve been in.

More importantly, start making promises.

It’s never too early to make promises.

In fact, stop reading this article for a minute, go to your phone, and send a mass text message to everyone in your league. Promise them a free, all-you-can-eat meal and a keg of top-grade beer at the draft.

They’ll be thinking you mean a barbeque and a keg of beer. This will get people excited and make you look like the great President they elected.

This draft is going to be awesome!

Once you’ve setup the date for the draft itself, it’s time to throw everyone a curve ball.

About a week before the draft, change the date of the draft to a day or two before the previously scheduled date. Don’t give a reason, just do it. Make sure this timing is inconvenient for the people who you think might have questions about the rules.

Step Two: Un-kept Promises

Step two really ties back to step one.

In step one, you made quite a few promises, some of which could get you in trouble with the other league members if you don’t choose your next words carefully.

You’re the President of your league, but that doesn’t mean that you can provide your promises for free. Although you promised that it wouldn’t cost anyone anything, in the end, everyone’s going to need to toss in a few dollars for the food and beer.

You have to make sure that although you lied about providing a completely free meal and free beer, the majority of people still think that they’re getting their money’s worth.

It’s a tricky tightrope to walk on, but President Obama has done a great job making one promise while providing a less-than-promised value, and still convincing the majority of people think that they’re getting a great deal.

Here’s a tip that will cost less, but still make you look like a hero:

Before the draft, go to the liquor store and find some of the cheapest beer you can find. At less than $20 per case, beers like Pabst Blue Ribbon and Red Dog are both excellent choices and you can likely buy two cases, which should be more than enough. Although you promised top-grade beer and you’re buying the cheap stuff, it’s still beer – and that’s all that matters.

Next, stop at the grocery store. Walk right past the steak and even the hamburger on your way to the hotdogs. A smart buyer can get a pack of hot dogs for less than $2 each, and buns aren’t too expensive either.

Although you made it sound like you were providing more than hotdogs at the draft, you never said that you’d be providing anything more than that.

Now for the most important part… Make sure to collect $10 from each team owner as they arrive to the draft. Tell them it’s for the food and beer. They might remember that you said it was going to be free, but $10 is pretty cheap for food and beer.

If you followed this step correctly, you should have profited a good amount from the $10 charge and what you ended up spending in comparison.

If anyone asks about the extra money, make up some bogus charges that you had to pay in order to make sure that everything was safe for them to eat and drink. Perhaps you had a scientist test the beer and hotdogs in a lab, perhaps you shipped them in from Hong Kong, or perhaps you just flat out lost the extra money.

No big deal.

Now take that money, put it in a savings account, and act like it never happened. You worked hard for the money – you deserve it.

Step Three: Last-Minute Rule Changes

10 minutes before the draft, completely change the draft style and the league’s rule book.

This step is very important as it shows everyone in the league that you’re the President.

Although some rules might change, you’re still there as their fearless leader.

Start off telling people that it’s going to be a standard serpentine/snake draft, but change it to an auction the night of the draft.

After all, it’s the same thing, right?

You’re still picking players.

What’s the difference to the other owners? They should be prepared.

Make sure that the rulebook is now very long and drawn-out, but still confusing and vague enough that people have questions to ask.

Answer the questions as long-windedly as possible and make sure to demand that the auction starts on-time.

You know the rules, so you can explain them later if people are confused.

You can let a few people in on some of the changes beforehand, but be absolutely certain that they will be on-board with it before you do. You don’t want them sabotaging the idea before it gets implemented.

If you and a few other owners are ready and prepared, you’ll be able to convince a couple more owners to go along with it, thus giving you the majority vote.

If anyone makes a stink about the sudden change of rules and draft style, be prepared to berate them in front of everyone.

Use phrases like, “the common good” and “hope for a better fantasy football league” to describe what you’re doing, while using phrases like “stuck in the past” and “overly conservative” to describe your foe.

Practice this speech beforehand and try to leave place for your audience to clap after you’re done. Feel free to throw out wild claims and biased statistics to support your belief that these new rules are for the better.

Once you’re done proving your point, the league will have no choice but to go along with what you’re saying, assuming that you’re making the changes for their benefit.

Even if they don’t, pass it through anyway. You’re the President, for goodness sake – you don’t have to listen to what other people think.

Step Four: Reckless Spending

Now that you’ve changed the rules and confused other owners, it’s time to take advantage.

The best way to do this is to follow in the footsteps of President Obama by employing a strategy of reckless spending in our auction draft.

What this means is that an Obama-inspired auction style should not include any consideration of financial responsibility.

Draft as many of the best players as you can at the beginning of the draft. If you can, try to acquire three of the top-10 overall players.

Doing this will just about bankrupt you, but don’t worry – you’ll have a plan for that.

Step Five: Stimulus Package, Taxes, and Bailouts

Exactly 30 minutes into the draft, stop the draft and consult your rulebook.

Buried deep in the new rule book, which is way too long for anyone to have read before the draft, is a draft rule that has to do with the remaining salary caps of teams at the 30-minute mark.

Included in this rule:

The owner with the most money remaining is taxed 50 percent of his remaining salary cap. This money is added to a community treasury.

The owners with the next three greatest salaries are also taxed at a rate of 25 percent.

The treasury funds are then calculated and 50 percent of them are given to the owner with the least remaining money.

This is called the “Owner Bailout Rule.”

It is intended to be a safety net for owners who may have spent their money quickly without thinking about the future.

(Do everything you can to make sure that you are this owner.)

The remaining 50 percent of the treasury is then distributed evenly amongst the next three teams with the least amount of money remaining.

This is called the “Stimulus Package.” 

It is intended to spike the market in your league by distributing the money to the owners who have proven that they are more likely to spend quickly.

After all, we don’t want people to save their money.

Step Six: Pass the Buck

It is at this point when the league will begin to rebel. They may start to look for a new President – but they’re stuck with you, at least for this season.

Like every President before him and every President who will come after him, when Barack Obama’s four (or eight) years in office are up, he will have no problem passing the problems on his successor.

This is the beauty of politics, and now it’s the beauty of your fantasy football league.

You can reap the benefits, change the policies, and create an unfair advantage for yourself and your friends,.

At the end of the day, there’s nothing that anyone can do about it.

You are the President.

You are the man.

And this is the American way.