Coach Beli-Cheat Strikes Again

Just when you thought you’d seen the last of his unscrupulous tactics, the accusing fingers have once again pointed in Bill Belichick’s direction.

During a very dramatic nail-biter in Foxboro against the Philadelphia Eagles, our insiders noticed some very peculiar goings on along the Patriots sideline.

New England was leading by a field goal with just under four minutes to play as A.J. Feeley effectively marched the Eagles offense to the Patriots twenty nine yard line, well within field goal range. On second and four, the questionable call came in from the Eagles sideline to throw the deep ball to the endzone which, of course, was intercepted.

Prior to this play, our crew had observed Coach Belichick pull his hood over his head, whisper a few words to apparently nobody, and slightly wave his hand towards Coach Reid on the opposite side of the field. Clearly, Belichick was using the infamous Jedi mind trick. Coach Reid, whose mind is not as sharp as it once was, succumbed to the trick and called in the deep pass.

When asked about this questionable call, Coach Reid replied, “I would have to confirm that I actually made such a call before I can comment.”

Last Sunday a member of our crew spotted Belichick in the stands at the Redskins game (apparently honing his skills) hood up and hand waving just as Coach Joe Gibbs called a second consecutive time out in an attempt to freeze Bills kicker Rian Lindell. Of course this drew a flag for unsportsmanlike conduct which moved the ball fifteen yards closer for a more manageable 36 yard game winning field goal.

During the post game press conference, when asked to comment on the costly mistake, Coach Gibbs replied, “I like puppies.” Obviously still feeling the effects of Belichicks powerful mind intrusion.

During last night’s MNF game with 12:21 left to play, the Ravens were on top 24-17. QB Kyle Boller took the snap on third and nine from the Patriots 30. He scanned the field, found the area most heavily saturated with Patriots jerseys, and threw deep into that area, allowing an uncontested interception.

Immediately afterwards, Belichick was observed removing his hood and placing his hands back into his pockets as he whistled a happy tune. Coach Brian Billick was also spotted blowing kisses to Patriots defenders after the interception…highly questionable behavior.

Upon further investigation, we have confirmed that Bill Belichick’s now famous “hoodie” is, in fact, a decorated Jedi robe. Coach Belichick did not immediately return our calls. We have, however, received a written statement from the office of Commissioner Roger Goodell:

“We are currently investigating these serious allegations. Any use of mind shenanigans or Tom foolery would be considered a violation of our personal conduct policy and will be dealt with as such.”

It has been speculated for several months, though not confirmed, that Coach Belichick has been lured to the Dark Side and is now more machine than man…twisted and evil.

Just another reason for everyone to hate him.