Five Ways Nenad Krstic Could’ve Used a Chair Better

I have to admit, I'm not the most well traveled person. I've never left North America and the only other country I've been to is Mexico.  My sheltered life led me to believe that some things were universal despite where you lived.  Love, hate, joy, sadness while we have different words for these feelings I thought that everyone around the world experienced them.  Eating, breathing, sleeping people do this in other countries right? These aren't just American pastimes like baseball, football, and watching Jersey Shore, correct?

So you have to believe that I was a little shocked to find out that Europeans don't know how to use chairs. What do they sit on over there?  Benches? Stools? Rocks?  That would make sense I guess. I hear that family is big across the pond (that's British for Ocean right?), which probably has to do with sitting around the dinner table on a bench instead of a chair.  It's that forced closeness that keeps those family ties strong.  And drinking is big everywhere so stools would make sense to sit on.  My friends are always telling me how beautiful the architecture is in Europe because of how old it is.  Maybe they still kept the rocks people use to sit on back in the day.  Makes sense.

So I've taken it upon myself to educate our European friends, most notably Nenad Krstic, on how to properly use a chair.  See Nenad made the mistake of thinking that a chair was used to throw at a Greek man, which he recently displayed during an exhibition game over the weekend.  While this is a great way to make a Greek man bleed, it's not really the best way to use a chair in basketball.  Especially during a game that had absolutely no meaning.

No. 5: Pay Yao Ming $17.6 Million To Sit On It in Street Clothes

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HOUSTON - MAY 10: Center Dikembe Mutombo and Yao Ming of the Houston Rockets during Game Four of the Western Conference Semifinals during the 2009 NBA Playoffs at Toyota Center on May 10, 2009 in Houston, Texas. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges

Now this might not be for everybody as it does require a little bit of an investment on your part.  But it definitely pays off in the end.  Because for some reason, once again I blame my lack of cultural knowledge, Chinese people love watching really tall Asians in street clothes.

I can't explain it.  But $17.6 million is nothing compared to the revenue you would get from one billion Chinese people tuning in to watch a giant sit on a chair in street clothes.  You can even sell random crap that says Yao on it.  Hats, T-shirts, Houston Rocket Jerseys, it doesn't matter if Yao never wears any of it.  As long as it has his name on it and he is sitting in a chair, Chinese people will go crazy.

So if you have $18 million just lying around doing nothing but accumulating interest in some measly little bank, you could do a lot worse then spending the majority of that money to get Yao Ming to sit on your chair for two-thirds of the year. 

No. 4: Fart On It

The only way to better yourself is to learn from the best.  Most consider LeBron James to be the best basketball player in the game today.  So it's only natural to study him and see what makes him such a great player.  A lot of people say it's the mixture of his size, speed and explosion.  But I think the best part of LeBron's game are his instincts.

See, he instinctively knows that if he has to fart the best place to do it is on a chair.  If it's silent, then you can plant one and calmly walk over to the scorer’s table to check back in the game.  By the time LeBron is dunking on people, his teammates are pointing the finger at one another.  And whoever LeBron checked in for now has to return to a very warm seat on the bench. 

If the fart is loud, however, then the chair serves as a great amplifier.  It turns the fart into a machine gun because the bubbles of fart air can't escape freely as they are obstructed by the chair, so when they come out it's a nice long pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.  Prolonging the attention you get and the disgust you create on the faces of your friends and teammates.  Without the chair the fart would just be one loud PFFFFTTT!  Which should only really be used when your buddy is passed out and you can get close up to his face.

If the fart is in-between then the chair can act as a silencer or an amplifier depending on which end of the spectrum your fart happens to lie. But LeBron James is pretty into himself.  I mean, have you ever gathered all your friends over to your house to tell them that your changing jobs?  So LeBron is the kind of man that takes pride in his work and wants the world to know that you’re smelling his butt. 

While farting on a chair can cause some discomfort for those around you.  It doesn't make them bleed. So I have to rank it ahead of what Nenad Krstic did.

No. 3: Distract Someone Shooting a Techincal Free Throw

You see it all the time during basketball games.  The fans behind the basket try to distract the person shooting a free throw.  They do it by cheering, booing, waving their hands in the air, or holding up signs that say brick.  The problem with all of those things is that they are such a common occurence that it's really not much of a distraction.

Now how many times have you shot a free throw and then a chair comes flying across the floor?  Not too many times I bet.  Would probably freak you out a bit.  Why is their a chair in front of me?  Who threw it?  Why did they throw it? Did they fart on it? All these thoughts are now going through your head distracting you and messing up your concentration for the free throw.

Plus, did you see in the video how pumped up the crowd got when they saw that chair on the court? The best way to pump up a crowd is to show them something they've never seen before.  And the best part is that no one got hurt.  Because Bobby Knight didn't actually throw the chair at a person.  That is NOT how you use a chair.  For my European friends, I repeat, No es howo tu uzi a chairo, capeesh?

No. 2: Play Basketball On It

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31 Jan 2001: General view of the action as Chairman of the World Sports Academy for the Laureus World Sports Award and Former Olympic Gold Medallist Edwin Moses of the USA visits the Midnight Basketball League in Richmond, Virginia, USA. \ Mandatory Cred

I'm not making this up, Chair Basketball actually exists.  Now don't get this confused with Wheel Chair basketball.  That also exists and unless you have to be in a wheel chair then I would advise against playing it.  That's not really cool.  But you know what is cool, good ol' fashioned chair basketball.  

Now I don't want you NBA players getting deterred by the fact that it is a game meant for elementary school children.  You don't have to be that smart to understand the rules.

Summary: Toss the balls in the basket, while sitting in chairs!

I know, I know, it all sounds very confusing and complex.  But really it's pretty simple once you get the hang of things.  I should probably tell you that you are NOT to throw the ball at Greeks.  That might be your first impulse as a European player, but try to toss the ball into the basket only.

The great thing about chair basketball is that only one person has to run.  They are called, stay with me now, the "Runner".  Their job is to grab the balls that their team shoots and pass it back to them.  Since only two people are running around, instead of 10, then it cuts down on the number of twisted ankles and unnecessary cardio that goes on during most basketball games.

Also, chair basketball only lasts 15 minutes.  You could play a whole 82 game season in a month!

No. 1: Sit On It

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LONDON, ENGLAND - JULY 09: Snoop Dogg attends a Press conference for adidas at the Footlocker Oxford Street store on July 9, 2010 in London, England. (Photo by Ian Gavan/Getty Images for adidas)

Viola! The best way to use a chair.  It's like kneeling but without the added strain on your knees.  Sitting in a chair can be very awesome.  See unlike a stool a chair has back support to it.  And unlike a bench, you don't have to share a chair with some creepy old dude feeding pigeons.  It's also a lot easier to move than a rock. Some chairs you can take anywhere!

So there you go Nenad Krstic.  Next time you see an inanimate object with a flat surface, back support and four legs underneath it, it's called a chair.  Sit on it.  Don't throw it at a Greek player, you douche.