The Terrible Ten Of College Football: Preseason Preview

Start the ball, Tector.

-Lyle Gorch to his brother Tector while surrounded in Old Mexico in The Wild Bunch

Top Tens are tumbling around everywhere but what about the boys at the bottom?

As the Grateful Dead said in Deal, it costs a lot to win but even more to lose and that is certainly a brutal maxim in big time college football.

Let's look at the losers and remember, as Charles T. Wilbury Jr sang, even the losers get lucky sometime.

1] Texas Longhorns

Judging by his Alabama get away, if Colt McCoy had been at the Alamo he would have been half way to Arkansas before Santa Anna's bugle boys started blowing El Deguello.

Maybe like Captain Jack McCord Colt McCoy has been unjustly branded but will the Longhorns bounce back? 

Especially since the Blackshirts of Nebraska would like to give them a new Alamo?

But this week Texas feast on doomed Rice

2] USC

One wonders if, in inflation adjusted dollars, Reggie Bush and LenDale White made more money than the million dollar plus SMU death penalty backfield of Eric Dickerson and Craig James?

Sweet Pete Carroll does not want to know he just wants to kick back on Paul Allen's big boat and count the cash.

3] Missouri

Poor Missouri spurned by the big boys of the Big 10 and not really loved by their Big 12 brothers has decided to change their school song to The Everly Brothers When Will I Be Loved.

I've been cheated Been mistreated When will I be loved? I've been put down I've been pushed 'round When will I be loved?

Still since pro football has basically ceased to exist in Missouri fans have little choice but to force march to Tiger matches.

In a small piece of good news for Missouri fans still hoping for a Big 10 call, it seems Big 10 officials eliminated Rutgers from any consideration after watching a single episode of Jersey Shore.

4] The State of Kansas

Alas unlucky and unloved Kansas and Kansas State were almost canned by the Texas tango to the Pacific coast.

It seemed for a time other leagues were going to like the Kansas schools about as much as Josey Wales did.

But Texas reconsidered and, after a pirates trove of rewards, decided to stay with its pilot fish... for now anyway.

And the Kansas' still have a home.

5] Maryland

To add some spark to the Maryland program Ralph Friedgen has decided to dress like a Red Zorro, carve M's with a sword of Spanish steel, and call himself El Tortuga Grande.

Fans hope it frightens Florida State.  

Or at least makes Navy nervous in the week one battle of Maryland.

6] Big 12 and The WAC

An old Big 10 lawyer once said a house divided against itself can not stand.

Lincoln would have made a fine linebacker too.

7] Larry Scott PAC 10 Commissioner

The last person who traveled in such money fueled, mad cap style around the country was greedy Jonathan Winters in its a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.  

Still imagine going shopping for a Texas Longhorn and bringing home a Colorado Buffalo?

At least I hope the college corporate cats comped Scott's drinks.

8] Colorado Dan Hawkins

The Buffalo herd is heading west will Hawkins go with them or be trampled under hoof?

And how has he stayed a Buffalo this long anyway?

9] Ron Zook of Illinois

Even Zook is baffled because he kept his job.

Still, in hope of catching the cultural magic of True Blood, he has decided to call himself Zookie after Sookie Stackhouse

Now he just needs a few sturdy vampires and werewolves who can run, tackle, block and catch.

10] North Carolina Tar Heels

Since Butch Davis seems to have a higher salary cap than the Carolina Panthers he ought to at least bring home a few more wins than his pro boy brethren. 

Miserable Matchup of the week

Missouri Tigers vs Illinois Fighting Illini

The Big 10 keeps teasing the Tigers but like Lucy with Charlie Brown the football keeps getting pulled away at the last moment.

Will they take it out on Zookie?

Or will it be a game to cure insomniacs?

Massacre Matchup of the week

U Conn over  Michigan

Michigan fans will shake their heads in disgust as West Virginia Mountaineer mojo and the Huskies running game trample Rich rod under cleat.

Still take the three to be sure.

Week One Bowls

Ben Franklin Bowl

Villanova vs Temple

Bring on the original Big Ben!

Philadelphia, a pro ball town, never cared much for college football, or visiting fans for that matter, and if the Big Ben Bowl can't excite them nothing will.

Still the referees ought to wear Ben Franklin garb and give out free cheesesteaks and beer.

The John Dillinger Bowl

Notre Dame vs Purdue 

Every fan should come in Dillinger Era dress.

Gangsters and their molls should bring boot leg whiskey and the cheerleaders ought to dress like the Lady in Red.

Orphan Brigade Bowl

Louisville vs Kentucky

Very Can't they somehow get the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers involved in this affair?