Time-Traveling Commissioner Takes '04 BCS Title From USC; Auburn Wins!

Birmingham, Alabama—In a not-so-stunning development in the Reggie Bush/USC case, the NCAA, BCS, and the SEC have decided to vacate the Trojans 2004 BCS National Championship. 

Sources close to the situation say that the ’04 Auburn Tigers could be on the verge of winning their first consensus national championship since 1957. 

The move is rumored to be just the beginning of a new method for punishing college football’s evildoers by awarding their ill-gotten championships to SEC schools. 

Big Ten conspiracy theorists have long held the belief that the $15 Billion ESPN/SEC network deal that began in ’09 was just an elaborate cover-up to help fund a super-secret time travel initiative that was developed by SEC commissioner Mike Slive. 

According to sources within the underground Big Ten conspiracy group, JoePa is God; SEC Commissioner Mike Slive plans to begin the process of awarding every vacated national title in the NCAA’s history to an SEC school. 

The plan is rumored to be for Slive to strap-in to a specially designed 1989 Ford Tempo, the vehicle of choice in many southern cities, which would enable him to cross through the space/time continuum via a BCS-designed computer that serves as the Tempo-Time-Machine’s central processing unit. 

The first stop is December ’04, where Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville, still resides pleading the case for his team to play in the BCS title game, to anyone who will listen. Slive plans to stop by the Georgia Dome in Atlanta, where Auburn has just defeated Tennessee in the SEC Championship Game, just to let Tuberville know that he has everything under control.

Slive doesn’t like for his coaches to complain.

The commissioner then plans to travel to Los Angeles, on the evening of July 6, 2004, two months prior to the start of the college football season, where a sports agent has just given Reggie Bush the keys to a 1996 Chevy Lumina. 

Sensing pictures of that transaction alone are not enough to convince the NCAA that something fishy is going on at USC; Slive will then travel to Malibu, on the morning of February 10, 2003 where Bush’s parents are moving into a sweet condo, directly on the beach. Realizing that an ‘89 Ford Tempo would be out of place in the area, Slive will park at a nearby Wal-Mart and walk the two miles to the lavish neighborhood. 

The alleged plan then calls for Slive to arrive at NCAA headquarters on the evening before USC is set to begin fall practice, with the various pictures and receipts in hand. 

Reggie Bush will be ruled ineligible for the season, paving the way for Auburn to win the national title and Auburn QB Jason Campbell to win the Heisman trophy. 

While it is strictly rumor at this point, some believe that Slive will actually try to pin the entire thing on USC assistant, Lane Kiffin rather than the rogue agent. 

A high-ranking SEC official speaking on condition of anonymity said, “Awarding Auburn the ’04 national title and getting rid of that little prick, Kiffin, before he has a chance to disgrace Tennessee, would be an amazing turn of events for our conference.”

The official continued, “But there’s just no logic behind developing a super-secret-time-travel-machine to crown every SEC member in our history with multiple national titles.” 

When pressed further the official admitted, “It would be nice to hear the Sewanee fans chanting ‘SEC, SEC, SEC’ as time winds down in their 12-0 win over Notre Dame in the 1935 Orange Bowl. But time-travel is just something that we’d rather leave alone, for now.” 

When asked what the ruling could mean for the vacated ’92 National Championship that Alabama won, the official quickly chuckled, “Alabama has always been an upstanding member of the SEC football community. In the days and weeks ahead, you could very well see that nearly 20 year old ruling rescinded.” 

The official was then whisked away by armed guards.   

Commissioner Slive could not be reached for comment