A 10-Rule Blueprint for Mediocrity

Anointed “Mr. .500” by the rest of my league, I have perfected a system to, year-in and year-out, finish an even 7-7.  Fed up with teams more average than Nick Cage’s acting, I decided to look back at my actions and, in George Costanza fashion, simply do the opposite this year.  Here’s a look at what you need to do to finish smack dab in the middle of your league and no more, no less than two games out of the playoffs. 

Rule 1- Draft two tight ends

Don’t let the so-called “experts” on ESPN fool you, tight ends are valuable.  Take two, preferably in consecutive rounds, and immediately announce, with a smirk, that they are indeed BOTH available via trade.  This will likely get laughs initially, but come Week 6 somebody will have gotten fed up Todd Heap’s complete lack of production and will be begging you to ship Tony Gonzalez his way.

Rule 2-Wait too long to take a QB

THEN TAKE TWO. Similar to the tight end theory, these two mediocre, semi-fantasy-irrelevant signal-callers should be drafted consecutively.  Why waste a first round pick on Drew Brees when you can slap your tag on Matt Hasselbeck and David Garrard in the 9^th and 10^th rounds?  Not only will this assure that you can blow your first pick elsewhere (see Rule 7), it will continually have you fretting whether Hasselbeck vs. Niners D or Garrard vs. Texans D is a better play.  Here’s a tip: the one you don’t choose is the better play…pick wisely.

Rule 3-Show up wasted and get progressively drunker throughout the draft until blackout stage

Get with the times. Everyone knows everything about fantasy football these days. It is easier to make snap judgments and not hesitate with your picks if you are ten deep by the second round. You will be much louder and much more confident (see Rule 5). To reach a reasonable level of drunkenness this early in the draft, you need to pregame. I recommend Four Loko malt beverage/energy drink, boasting 12% percent alcohol in a 24 oz. can of a red-ish liquid that tastes like a even combination of wine, watermelon, and shit. Pick up no fewer than four at the store for a modest $2.19 pricetag and pass them around with a few of the boys prior to the draft.  Don’t let the kid in the Tebow jersey have any (See Rule 4). Also, bring a cooler. You think Keith Stone walks all the way to the fridge to grab a brew? Hell no. Note: if this rule is followed closely, the entire second half of your draft should be a blur and consist solely of fast rookies whom, as you tell everyone, you are convinced is “the next Chris Johnson.”  

Rule 4-Talk shit to everyone in your league

Their picks are garbage. Let them know.  Rule three makes this step easy. Mercilessly make fun of the guy in your league who wears and Tebow jersey to the draft and then draft Tebow ahead of him. Talking this much shit will go unnoticed to those who are also wasted, but simultaneously annoy the shit out of those who stayed sober so they can “not make stupid picks.” Make fun everyone’s good picks, bad picks, and girls they have hooked up with. Yelling and laughing at picks will piss people off as well as make them forget that you are still the one with the perennial .500 teams. If you are a beginner in this arena, find the new guy in the league and attack. He will probably be wearing a Tebow jersey. 

Rule 5-Pick with confidence

You know who the best players are. You know who the sleepers are. You know the booms, the busts, etc. Make sure you let the league know by never hesitating in your picks. Don’t be the guy who takes four minutes to decide between Lance Moore and Austin Collie. Make your picks quickly and then squeeze in a game or two of Flip Cup, getting back to your seat just in time to ask “wait, who’d you guys take?” before your next choice.  

Rule 6- Land the last pick in your league’s draft

This is prime for one, landing Frank Gore, and two, facilitating back-to-back QB and TE picks.  It is fun picking last because you get two picks and then have more time for shenanigans during downtime.  Pursuant to Rule four, announce your two picks at the same time, and do it LOUDLY. This conveys confidence.

Rule 7- Draft Frank Gore        

You lose approximately four games per year because of various Frank Gore injuries.

Rule 8-Wake up at 12:05 every Sunday

Because you care more about partying and getting laid than you do about your 1-2 squad, you don’t even think to check the “game-time decisions” in your lineup or even set an alarm. By not setting an alarm, you will wake up at 12:05. Like clockwork. No, of course you won’t wake up a mere ten minutes earlier with time to peek-in on Jay Glazer’s top-notch on field reporting. You have already gone too far, now you can gather yourself and tune in midway through the first quarter. You’re welcome.

Rule 9-Lose your magazine after the first draft

When you wake up still drunk and wondering who you drafted in rounds 12-16, the last thing you are worried about is the location of your magazine. You check your phone to see what time it is, only to discover your phone took a swim the night before, and then you stumble around to see who else is awake and might know where the “big board” went.

Rule 10-Play spoiler on Week 14

By this time, you are 6-7 and eliminated from the playoffs. You stopped paying attention last week before you even drooled over Faith Hill during NBC’s Sunday Night Football pregame. You don’t care anymore so you haven’t checked your lineup or your opponent for the week. You’ll find out on Monday night when they text you something like “fuck you,” “you suck,” or “fuck you, you suck.” Turns out you played the guy who is 8-7 and on the verge of making the playoffs. You beat him in a low-scoring game nearly always fueled by ONE player on your team who put up a boatload of points, more points than you’ve seen from him all year.  This is why you drafted Devery Henderson. You now have to right to use the “and I didn’t even set my team!” line as much as you’d like until next year’s draft. Week 14 is a must-win.

Follow these ten rules and I can guarantee that you WON’T LOSE…half your games.