LeBron James: "The Decision 2," My Interview With LeBron (Satire)

After a successful bluff in a late night hand of poker, I won, from Jim Gray, the right to conduct a follow-up interview with LeBron James.  Though our television deal, which was to benefit the Cleveland Clinic's new Sports Fan Wing, ultimately fell through, I was able to sit down with The King to discuss life after "The Decision."

Here is the transcript:

AD: "Welcome, LeBron."

LBJ: "Who the Hell are you?  You're not Jim Gray.  You're about the same height as he is, but you have hair."

AD: "Um... that's right... I'm Armen Dacity.  I'm going to be conducting this interview for Mr. Gray today."

LBJ: "And you're with what network."

AD: "BleacherReport.com."

LBJ: "What the f#%@ is Bleacher Report?  Oh... whatever.  Let's get this over with."

AD: "Great.  So, now that some time has passed, how does it feel to be a member of the Miami Heat."

LBJ: "I'm being paid over $100 million to play basketball in South Florida.  My biggest problem is deciding whether to buy a house on Palm Beach, Star Island, Ocean Reef, or all three.  How do you think it feels, dumbass!"

AD: "You seem a bit hostile.  Did I offend you?"

LBJ: "Naw, man... it's not you.  I'm just sick of all the crap people are saying about me."

AD: "You mean like how you're a coward."

LBJ: "Yeah..."

AD: "And how you're not competitive..."

LBJ: "Um... yeah..."

AD: "And how you've tarnished your legacy and will never live up to your promise."

LBJ: "F#@$ you, man!  That's the kind of s#!% I have to listen to and read every day.  Its a bunch of nonsense.  Every great player that won titles had great teammates.  I'm no different, except I chose which teammates I wanted to play with.  There's nothing wrong with that.  I think most of the people complaining are just jealous."

AD: "You're probably right.  I also think a lot of that is coming from disgruntled Cleveland fans."

LBJ: "What do those people want from me?  I gave everything I had for seven years.  Did they really think I was going to win a title with Mo Williams, some power forward with Sideshow Bob's hair, an 82 year old Shaq, and a bunch of B listers?  Please."

AD: "But some would say you could have handled your exit more gracefully."

LBJ: "What should I have done?  Baked them all cookies and broken the news at a tea party?  It's a business.  They made me an offer and I turned it down.  That happens every day.  The biggest joke is that, after the fact, that douchebag owner called me a quitter.  Then why the f#%$ did you offer me $120 million, idiot!"

AD: "Do you think you could ever call Ohio your home again?"

LBJ: "Akron will always be my hometown, but let's get real.  South Beach - Cleveland.  Don Johnson - Drew Carey.  Biscayne Bay - Lake Eerie.  80 degrees in January - 40 degrees in April.  Which would you call your home?"

AD: "How do you think the Heat stacks up against the Lakers and Celtics?"

LBJ: "Let me ask you this... who, on either team, is going to guard me?"

AD: "I don't know... Paul Pierce, Ron Artest, maybe some others helping out..."

LBJ: "Exactly.  Nobody.  They'll have to put two guys on me, and two guys on D-Wade.  That leaves one guy to guard Chris and whoever else we have on the floor.   Game over."

AD: "Pretty confident, huh?"

LBJ: "Yeah... guess I'm not a coward after all."

AD: "What about the inevitable comparisons to Kobe Bryant."

LBJ: "Kobe's great, but his day is done.  I've never had the support he's had and now that I do, you'll see what happens."

AD: "Are you saying Kobe is past his prime."

LBJ: "Let him try to guard me and you'll find out."

AD: "So, what message would you give to your youngest fans?"

LBJ: "I just try to set an example for them.  You know, give them a path to follow in life."

AD: "You mean skip college, get paid before you accomplish your primary goal, and use your fame to control every aspect of your career?"

LBJ: "Who the f#%@ are you again?"

AD: "Armen.  Armen Dacity.  BleacherReport.com."

LBJ: "Right.  Remind me to talk to your bosses so I can make sure you never speak to me or write about me again."

AD: "I don't mean to put you down.  I'm just confronting you with the kind of things your detractors say.  I'm actually a big fan of yours."

LBJ: "Oh.  My bad.  Here... here's a new James #6 Heat jersey."

AD: "Wow!  Thanks."

LBJ: "No problem. That'll be $69.95."