Brian Cashman Hospitalized For Dehydration

Sources indicate that Brian Cashman is undergoing treatment for severe dehydration in the Bronx Lebanon Hospital Center.

John Coffey, the head of Emergency Medicine at the hospital, told reporters that Cashman was brought into the hospital at 5:07 PM July 9th after his body was found unconscious in his office at the New York Yankees Headquarters. “When Cashman was brought to us, it took us a little while to understand exactly what was going on,” Coffey said. “It’s not often that someone suffers from extreme dehydration in New York City, but I have seen some strange things in my tenure here.”

Coffey went on to explain that when Cashman regained consciousness he immediately burst into tears and upon examination of his tear ducts, the doctors at the hospital were able to determine that he had become dehydrated through excessive crying, a malady never before seen.

“He seemed to be in extreme agony about his failure to trade for Cliff Lee, but none of my staff could figure out what in the world that was supposed to mean. . .” Coffey told the reporters in the hospital waiting area before admitting them to see the still-weak general manager of the Yankees.

Cashman, now making crying motions but not producing any liquid from the corners of his eyes, lay in a hospital bed with IV tubes attached to his arms, siphoning the vital liquid back into his body. In between sobs he managed to tell reporters that he didn’t understand why the Mariners wouldn’t just trade Lee to the Yankees even though the Rangers offered them more.

“Every time I’ve wanted a player in my career I’ve just been able to go out and get them, usually just by throwing cash at them.” Pausing to shoot a glare at a reporter who dared to snicker at Cashman’s usage of the word cash, he continued “I signed A-Rod and CC easily and still got Burnett and I was able to steal Teixiera also. I don’t understand what I did wrong but I’m worried I’ve lost my power and New York will never forgive me.”

At this, Cashman was so wracked by grief that he couldn’t talk anymore and the reporters were escorted from the hospital. All indications point towards a recovery for the general manager, but the process is expected to take some time.