Tiger Woods Reveals Details of His Shocking Divorce (Satire)

Donal RidgeCorrespondent IJuly 13, 2010

ST ANDREWS, SCOTLAND - JULY 13:  Tiger Woods of the United States addresses the media prior to the 139th Open Championship on the Old Course, St Andrews on July 13, 2010 in St Andrews, Scotland.  (Photo by Warren Little/Getty Images)
Warren Little/Getty Images

In what could prove to be the most significant event of 2010, Tiger Woods has finally discarded the veil which he has used to shield himself from the world.

Under the gaze of the entire sporting media, Woods, in a refreshingly honest and open press conference, announced the details of his separation.

Speaking for the first time in England since news of his extra-marital affairs broke, the world No. 1 was uncharacteristically accommodating towards the journalist's pencil.

Do journalists even own pencils anymore?  

I miss pencils.

About his decision to separate, Woods conceded, "I've always experimented...throughout the years." 

This, of course, does not come as any surprise.  In February of this year, Woods came out of hiding and delivered a televised speech from PGA Headquarters in Florida.  

Staring down his detractors, like only Tiger can do, he admitted to cheating on his wife Elin, and that he regretted his actions.

He also mentioned something about Buddhism.  But even Woods himself does not remember what that was.

Or indeed does the speechwriter himself.

Or herself. I hate sexism.

Since returning from golf, Woods is without a win in six starts.  Somehow though, despite struggling to find a swing remotely on plane, he has managed two Top Five finishes in the season's major championships.  

His golfing performance has, however, taken a backseat to his new-found playboy image. IMG is credited with building up Tiger's family man persona, but this far more interesting persona is all the Great One's doing.

He has, true to fashion, been extremely tight-lipped about his personal life since.

That was, of course, until today's candid few moments.

When asked about whether the separation has affected his preparation for the great tournament, Woods remarked, "I've had to make very little adjustment in how hard I'm hitting it."

As the enthralled media collectively sharpened their pencils, Woods went on, "I've always been tempted to change..."

Time will tell whether Tiger's decision bears fruit for him or not.  For the first time in eleven years he will embark on a major championship quest without his most trusted and coveted ally. 

Tiger Wood's announcement that he is divorcing from his Scotty Cameron Newport Two putter is a historic moment in his career.  His ever-trusted, ever-reliable blade has accompanied him for 13 of his 14 Major victories.

Perhaps the change of putter marks closure of his old life, and the birth of a new chapter in his legacy.

Or perhaps he does actually just struggle on slow greens, and I am trying to clutch desperately to a metaphor that just isn't there.

One thing's for sure though, as Tiger once revealed, any new putter will have hard time matching its predecessor, and is sure to be in for a fiery welcome: "I want to treat you rough, throw you around, spank you, and slap you."*

In other news, John Daly has revealed that he has slept in the Road Hole bunker for the past two nights: "I have no money for a hotel, and the bunker provides me with just the right amount of comfort and shelter."**

It would seem, therefore, that the bunker will prove an even more penal hazard than ever before this week.

*Quote may, or may not, have been taken out of context.

**Quote may, or may not, have been part of my dream last night.


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