LeBron James Decison Special: Greatest Farce In Sports History

So what will you be watching on TV Thursday night at 9 p.m. ET?

There are Major League Baseball games on various channels. On ESPN2, Major League Lacrosse’s All-Star Game will be winding down, followed by Major League Soccer's Real Salt Lake at Chicago.

But who are we kidding! You’re going to be watching ESPN sell its journalistic soul to air The Decision, where LeBron James will announce which team he will play the next five to six years of his NBA career.

For those say they’re tired of the “Where will LeBron play?” saga, stop lying! You’ve been talking about this off and on for the past three years.

It seems sad to have a professional athlete, supposedly the best player in his sport, turn his free agent decision into an overly-produced, made-for-TV, media event.

Does LeBron really need 60 minutes of primetime to make a five second statement?

Of course, this also gives real sports journalists 24 hours to leak Lebron’s intentions and undercut the potential ratings bonanza. But the way Camp James has kept things pretty tight-lipped, I doubt that will happen.

So if the “King” and the “Worldwide Leader in Sports” are going through with this farce, at least they can make it the greatest farce in the history of sports.

I don’t want to see LeBron sitting at a table with five caps on the various teams in contention for his services—Cavaliers, Bulls, Heat, Knicks and Nets—and him placing one lid on his dome to signify the winner. Leave that for the high school kids heading to college.

I want an extravaganza fit not only for the super-sized egos of LeBron and ESPN, but also for the reality-TV, YouTube, Facebook, twitter culture that we live in.

I want Charles Barkley to host the one-hour special in front of a live studio audience. He’s the best, most outspoken sports analyst on TV and is hilarious when he’s spontaneous. So please, no script in the teleprompter or seven-second delay. Just let Chuck be Chuck.

I want to see LeBron sitting on that throne from the “This is Sportscenter” commercial with his business manager Maverick Carter dressed as an executioner and hanger-on/consigliere “World Wide Wes,” dressed as a court jester by his side.

I want to see ESPN’s John Skipper, executive vice president of content, and Vince Dora, senior vice president and director of news, clad in leather halter tops, miniskirts, fishnets and thigh-high hooker boots since they are prostituting the network’s journalistic credibility to air this travesty.

I want to see the five owners—Dan Gilbert (Cavs), Jerry Reinsdolf (Bulls), Mickey Arison (Heat), James Dolan (Knicks), and Mikhail Prokhorov (Nets)—make a final two-minute pitch/plea for LeBron to play on their team and the privilege to pay him $20 million per season.

I want to see cutaway reaction shots of tens of thousands of people watching The Decision in the downtown squares of Cleveland, Chicago, Miami, New York and Newark just like in the World Cup broadcasts.

I want to see fans vote on where LeBron they think should play, and the results constantly updated on the ticker.

I want to see LeBron eliminate owners one by one with his new signature catchphrase: “You are exiled from my kingdom.” Carter can lead each losing owner offstage as the audience chants “Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye!” Stuart Scott can interview them about being humiliated on national television.

After each castoff, I want to see Tony Kornheiser, Michael Wilbon, Bill Simmons and Dan LeBatard conduct a brief roundtable discussion on what transpired.

I want to see flat screen monitors with twitter updates from NBA writers Chris Broussard, Ric Bucher, Stephen A. Smith, Chris Mannix and Chris Ballard predicting, then debunking, their own claims about where LeBron will play.

Finally, when there are only two teams left for consideration, LeBron should announce his pick with the class and dignity that moment calls for. I want to see Hannah Storm jumping out of cake wearing only an extra large LeBron James jersey of the chosen team and six-inch matching stilettos.

The crowd erupts as confetti and balloons rain down from the rafters. LeBron and the winning owner passionately embrace. After a quick interview and the contract signing, they dash away in a private jet.

Maybe it’s just the cynic in me, but I think this would be the perfect scenario for the arrogant arrangement between LeBron and ESPN. If they are going to whore themselves out for fame and money, make it the biggest orgy ever.