2010 FIFA World Cup Showdown: Brazil vs. Netherlands

A friend who attended all of the US games in South Africa heard this on the radio in Johannesburg before boarding a flight black home:

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The 2010 FIFA World Cup turned out to be a redux of the Second World War: the French and Italians gave up early, the Americans showed up late, and the English were left to battle the Germans.

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True, but Wikipedia tells me that Brazil didn’t go on to win World War II. They just offered safe haven to fleeing Nazis. And if you watched the Selecao dismantle Chile on Monday, Europe should be afraid. Very afraid, like Thierry Henry in a room full of hot women.

The difference between this year’s Brazil lineup and the squads that won it all in 1994 and 2002 is that the 2010 model is supercharged with a defense straight out of Avatar . They just carved up a solid Chile team 3-0 like it was a qualifying friendly.

Julio Cesar is a witch in the net and Brazil’s backline of Dani Alves, Maicon, Michel Bastos, Lucio, Juan and co. can play any position on the field. Try to imagine Jay Demerit or Carlos Bocanegra at striker, then watch this:

“Hello, my name is Douglas Maicon. I am a defender for Inter-Milan and Brazil.”

Yes, he plays defense. And he’s just one of many big, fast dudes wearing yellow and blue who happen to be wickedly skilled on the ball. But Brazil is not just a collection of skilled players this time around that underperform for whatever reason. Dunga has done a hell of a job channeling Brazil’s immense talent advantage into results on the field. Like Argentina experienced in qualifying, it’s not just a matter of rolling out an all star lineup and watching the magic unfold. The right buttons have to be pushed, and Dunga has found them. And it looks like Maradona finally has too.

The South American teams have been the class of the World Cup so far, with only the Netherlands and Germany holding form in the ranks of Europe’s withered contingent in South Africa. Italy, England, and France were in the planning phases of the world’s largest group hug for July 12th but couldn’t agree on what city. All pouted about it, complained to the press, blamed a few officials, and then went home to their miserable lives.

“Why’unt you arrestin tha wainka Fabioooo Capellooo!?!?”

This Brazil/Netherlands matchup is typical of a Semifinal or Final pairing and one country’s World Cup will end abruptly on Friday at Soccer City. The Oranje haven’t beaten Brazil in the World Cup since their magical run in 1974, eventually losing to West Germany in the Final. Brazil beat the Dutch in consecutive World Cups in the 1994 quarterfinals 3-2 and 1998 semi-final on penalty kicks. Dutch striker Dennis Bergkamp likely has strong feelings about these results that he will never share. But he will always have this goal against Newcastle…

The Flying Dutchmen are coming off a 2-1 win over Slovakia that was a more one-sided affair than the score would indicate. The Slovaks slotted a goal off a PK just a few seconds before regulation, depriving Maarten Stekelenburg of a well-earned clean sheet. The problem for the Netherlands is that its best players—the undersized Arjen Robben, Dirk Kuyt, and Wesley Sneijder—can be neutralized by Brazil’s size and speed. The only team still alive in the quarterfinals that can outmuscle Brazil is Germany, and that could very well be your final pairing at Soccer City on July 11.

But the Dutch have won 23 games in a row for a reason. Coach Bert van Marwijk has done a masterful job disguising his offense. The troika of the Dutch offense—Van Persie, Sneijder, and Robben—attack quickly from all angles and finish very well. And the improved play of Robin Van Pursie has forced me to temporarily shelf the nickname “Robin Man Pursie,” as he has managed to play four games in a row without getting injured. Kuyt and Sneijder are the closers who clean up the trash from anywhere and make you pay for simple mistakes. They’ll slit your throat with a smile. With Robben back from injury, the Dutch midfield is counter-attacking at full speed and the crafty winger only needs a sliver of space to rip a lefty in the old onion bag, Messi Lite style.

But the one player the Dutch must start—the Surinamese manbeast that is Eljero Elia—is the only player on the Dutch side who has size and skill to frustrate Brazil’s backline. Coming in at the 70th minute won’t be enough. He’s worthy of a starting role and isn’t shy about his team’s intentions . It’s final or bust. Supersub Ibrahim Affelay will also come off the bench to try and snipe a goal off a potentially weary Brazil backline late in the game.

Meanwhile, Brazil is playing with a laser focus that only seems to intensify when the vuvuzelas crank up. For a team often criticised for lack of training and preparation, they’re playing with a lingering grudge from the 1-0 upset to eventual winner France in the Quarterfinals of the 2006 World Cup. Defenders are scoring, forwards are scoring, the midfield is always three steps ahead of you and Julio Cesar has been nearly perfect in the net. It’s a tough combo to crack. Gone are the days of Bebeto and Romario—undersized wizards that flourished in space. This bunch will knock your head off and look good doing it, except for the pint-sized Robinho, who will just run around you and probably score.

Dunga will have to do some lineup shuffling as Brazil will be missing Elano, Felipe Melo, and Julio Baptista to injury. Ramires is suspended from piling up yellow cards. Keep in mind that Brazil’s bench alone could have qualified for the World Cup as their own team so don’t expect much drop off.

Epic matchups on paper often tend to devolve into cautiously tactical affairs, with each team hoping to catch the other sleeping before bunkering down for that 1-0 result. I don’t see that happening here. To beat Brazil you have to take risks and the Dutch do have the creativity to exploit angles in the Brazil defense that haven’t been tested yet.

Something has to give on the pitch, and as we deciphered conference alignment with this compelling photologue , let’s look to some other meaningful cultural comparisons to help predict the winner.

The Dutch have hash bars, legalized prostitution, and that maniacal personality trait often found in serial killers. What’s not to like?

Another Tuesday for Scipio…

Aaaand it’s Wednesday

The Dutch play fast and loose and expect the same of their women. They party until dawn and offer no excuses in training the next morning. So what if there is a dead heroin addict floating down a canal. Big fucking deal. People die. We’re Dutch! Let’s party! Hup Holland Hup!

That’s the history of the Netherlands in two paragraphs or less.

Brazil has hot women, lots of beaches, and single-named gods that descend down from heaven to play soccer for a few years before ascending back to heaven. Some start drug cartels along the way. All that matters is el Jogo Bonito—the Beautiful Game—and more importantly, that it’s played the right way . Only in Brazil will you see fans complain about a 5-0 victory. It’s not enough for the ball to simply roll in the back of the net. A proper Brazilian goal requires a buildup from the defense, flowing elegantly through the midfield and spilling into the attack like an Artesian waterfall with a complex formula of passing and overlapping runs before the most difficult shot can be selected.

But back to the women! Pitchmen has a mission for the World Cup in 2014:

BROWN AND ROUND IN RIO TOWN!

Won’t you join us?

Some worry that things have come to easy for Brazil so far, and I would point out their tie against Portugal. Ties are never easy. Then others would say Holland’s grand history of underperforming at the World Cup combined with a brutal matchup against the Boys from Brazil will be too much to overcome.

And they would both be right. But Johann Cruyff has other ideas .

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“Brazil need to play with more intensity, more bite on the pitch, because they are not special. Always the fans want to enjoy Brazil, enjoy their fantasy at World Cups, but they do not have that this summer.

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Not special? I like how the Dutch insult their opponents very…directly.

Clearly this is a game you won’t want to miss. So call a fake, two-hour offsite meeting for Friday morning, hit on the hottest Dutch/Brazilian girls at the bar, and let the chips fall where they may.

Brazil 2
Netherlands 1

This article is from the Pitchmen blog .

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