Was the Great Maple Bar Caper a Publicity Stunt?

DKContributor IJune 9, 2010

SATIRE— We Seahawks fans woke up this morning looking forward to some new articles written about yesterday's practice.

Instead, we were inundated with reports concerning our shiny new wide receiver, Golden Tate, mixing it up with the law.

According to the reports, around 3 a.m. this previous Saturday, Golden Tate and a friend were spotted in the Top Pot Doughnut Shop.

The cops were called in. After they had their fill, they left the scene of the crime before the police arrived. Golden Tate returned later in possession of the keys to the doors of the same shop. The police then gave him a stern warning.

Golden Tate was reached by reporters and had this to say concerning his recent criminal behavior:

"They're irresistible. It was a foolish mistake that won't happen again, but if you ever want some maple bars, that's the place to go." 

Seems like a pretty standard apology.

However, as fans, we need to read through the lines.

He's basically stating that Top Pot Doughnuts are so good, you may turn criminal to get them. If that was only as far as the rabbit hole went, I may not have seen through this veil of conspiracy. 

Pete Carroll was reached and talked about his reactions to Golden Tate's introduction to the underground black market doughnut smuggling ring.

He had this to say:

"No, I'm not disappointed about a guy being in a doughnut shop when they've got maple bars like Top Pot has. However, under the circumstances, I think they were closed, that's definitely wrong. We've talked about it and addressed it, and he's most remorseful about it. I do understand the allure of the maple bars."

Again it seems like a pretty standard response.

Except for the fact that he endorsed Tate's criminal behavior with his first statement. He retracted his words in his following statement, but finished it with a subtle validation.

Upon finding out that Top Pot Doughnut shop received a deal from Qwest Stadium to be its coffee and doughnut provider for Seattle Seahawks and Sounders FC games, I knew we had a conspiracy on our hands. 

Despite reports that this isn't a publicity stunt, I think all the facts prove otherwise. 

For a crime like Grand Theft Pastry, I think a four game suspension and weekly psychological counseling would be sufficient. More importantly, we need to make sure Golden Tate is informed that for every touchdown catch he makes, he will get a maple bar in receipt. The truth is out there folks!


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