The Ten Steps to Life Without Football

So I was wondering why I felt like writing a post on this blog was a bit like having your teeth extracted by a medieval dentist and then I realised that it was because I am suffering from LIFE WITHOUT FOOTBALL SYNDROME. OMG.

Here’s how it begins.

1) FootBall STOPS. Your team may have won the Superbowl but chances are you are pursing your lips and mentally dialoguing, “Next year is gonna be OUR year”.

2) You realise that Football has stopped and there is nothing in your life anymore. You don’t know who the strange man/woman is you appear to be living with but they keep asking you to do things including having conversations about stuff. Awkward.

3) You immerse yourself in THE DRAFT activities, watch all the programs about the draft players, listen to all the online podcasts and make up your own mock draft. You are now officially a draft fanatic and tweet about all the possible cool rookie players to all your friends who have normal lives and really don’t care much about the Draft’s 178th possible pick.

4) Draft Arrives!! You don’t go out for 3x days. You hardly sleep re-organising your lists for the next rounds. There still appears to be someone in the house with you but they are in the periphery and you can’t hear them when they talk because your brain is constantly focused on the Draft and that is it. Unless asked a question about the draft, everything else is answered in mono-syllabled grunts.

5) The draft stops. See Step 2.

6) Days go by….there is NO substitute. NFL coverage consists of very very very little news. Groundbreaking news is if a player made it into the team activities on time. You suddenly develop some kind of interest in the Vikings because Favre watch is all that is being shown.

7) The desert feeling seeps in. In horror you realise that you are indeed human and you are meant to have a life during the off-season.

8)You look in the mirror and see yourself….this is a psychic shock. You do exist. You seem to still be breathing.You start mentally preparing yourself to eat, breathe and work for an eternity or at least until August when play-offs begin.

9) So begins the painful rehab into life without Football. Excruciating stomach pains, stiffness in knees and leg buckling are quite common in this state. Suppressed memories of life before football may spontaneously occur. Don’t fight them.

10) On the road to recovery. You may experience sudden outbursts of anger, irritability and despair. This is completely normal. The Universe has not conspired against you. Football is a seasonal thing and was created to turn the cold, harsh winter months into a time of great expectations, joy and excitement. Why not take up another summer sport like golf or baseball or cake decorating? We know that they do not hold a torch up to football but maybe you can think about why they suck compared to football as you do them.

- If you liked this post please comment on this site as it will definitely help my “life without football syndrome” ease somewhat.