Juiceboxing101: UFC 113's Juice Ladder Rankings

UFC 113 has come and gone. A dragon was slain, a Fraggle caught an invisible knee, and a couple of hard-hitting black guys are returning to the U.S. without contracts. It was without a doubt a monumental PPV that provided us with outstanding action—before, during, and even after the fights.

I haven’t read too many reports reviewing the PPV, but I hope everyone enjoyed it as much as my friends and I did. I actually think this event may have been enough for the fans to “make up for UFC 112,” as Dana White has promised to do, although I’m assuming he means throwing a big fight on Spike or Versus.

Anyways, as devoted Bleacher Report readers, you’ve undoubtedly missed your semi-monthly juiciness, and would enjoy nothing more than hearing what the Juice has to say about last Saturday’s show.

Well I’m in a good mood so I’ll do you one better by introducing the Juice Ladder—an entirely arbitrary and senseless ratings system generated to help us all understand just where certain MMA fighters stand in their respective careers.

 

Patrick Cote

Pre-UFC 113: 56% Juicy

Currently: 45% Juicy

Coming back from his ridiculously long layoff, Cote had zero momentum going into his fight with Alan Belcher at UFC 113. I’m sure most fans had already forgotten about The Predator (HA!), and newer fans were probably wondering why this no-name Canadian and “the guy with the Elvis tattoo who fought the Chinese guy at UFC 100” were receiving the opening slot of the PPV.

Cote’s motivation to return and succeed in the middleweight division once again came to a screeching halt—at least for now. I’d like to see him take on Mark Munoz next, but if the UFC brass is intent on getting Patrick a few wins, they’d better keep him far away (like, Canada far) from the Filipino Wrecking Machine.

 

Alan Belcher

Pre-UFC 113: 60% Juicy

Currently: 81% Juicy

Alan “The Talent” Belcher is doing everything right, it seems. Coming off his Fight of the Night with Sexyama last year and coupled with a TKO victory over Wilson Gouveia in December, Belcher was quickly becoming a solid contender in the middleweight division. A win over a returning fighter whose last fight was for the title would mean huge things for the emerging star.

I figured we’d get a decent stand-up battle between Belcher and Cote, and we did...until Belcher decided to piledrive Cote on his face and choke him out. It was an incredible finish over someone I sincerely dislike, and Belcher moves way up the Juicy Ladder.

He’s also increasing his juiciness by challenging Anderson Silva for the middleweight title, but there’s safer ways to go about doing that.

 

Matt Mitrione

Pre-UFC 113: 30% Juicy

Currently: 40% Juicy

The absolutely daffy Meathead rolled into UFC 113 complete with a 1-0 record, a shoddy run on a reality TV show, and a shit-eating grin the size of Kimbo’s hype. I had no idea what to expect when this one was signed, but I knew one of the these guys was going to suck.

Surprise! Meathead left the suck at home and mauled Kimbo Slice in almost-impressive fashion and starts ascending the long, slippery slope that is the UFC Heavyweight division.

 

Kimbo Slice

Pre-UFC 113: 85% Juicy

Currently: 30% Juicy

Kimbo Slice, one of the most polarizing figures in MMA history, has come and gone in the Mecca of our great sport, and for the foreseeable future, will not return to the Octagon. At least, not the trademarked one.

Kimbo’s entire career was riding on that fight, more so than any other in his life. Mitrione was bottom-rung material, and one of the few guys in the whole sport with less professional fights than Kimbo himself. If Kimbo didn’t defeat Meathead (and he certainly did not), there’s really no one else in the heavyweight division right now that he could tear through the way everyone expects him to.

Don’t weep for Mr. Slice. My ratings don’t amount to shit, and I’m sure Scott Coker would be more than happy to accommodate the street-fighting legend.

 

Jeremy Stephens

Pre-UFC 113: 49% Juicy

Currently: 60% Juicy

Beating one of the more successful strikers in the lightweight division was impressive to say the least. The fact that he received big shots in the final round and yet managed to remain composed and finish with the W only helps him climb the Juicy Ladder.

I like Lil’ Heathen, and it’s good to see him put those losses to Joe Lauzon and Gleison Tibau behind him. He’s an excellent striker who can hang all three rounds and is always a pleasure to watch. A rematch with Lauzon or Spencer Fisher would be interesting.

 

Sam Stout

Pre-UFC 113: 66% Juicy

Currently: 55% Juicy

I’m not going to knock Stout too far down the Ladder due to the fact that one of the judges saw the fight in his favor. However, that judge is obviously either not paying much attention, or was just overwhelmed by his own crippling Canadian-ness.

A split-decision loss to Stephens is nothing to be ashamed of, especially considering what an awesome fight they put on. However, when you’re sniffing around most people’s Top Ten lightweight rankings, any loss can be detrimental.

 

Josh Koscheck

Pre-UFC 113: 83% Juicy

Currently: 93% Juicy

I have two things I need to admit to you guys.

The first is I used to hate Josh Koscheck. I guess I just kind of thought him to be a dick and not a real fun fighter to watch.

The second thing is that Josh Koscheck is easily one of my favorite fighters in the UFC right now.

He replaced his lay and pray techniques for a more exciting, go-for-broke stand-up game that most fighters would be praised for. Koscheck was ridiculed for it.

After surviving an illegal knee and some blatant eye gouging from Anthony Johnson back in November, he went on to crack Rumble standing, mess him up on the ground, and sink in a rear-naked choke. Even in picking up Fight of the Night and Submission of the Night honors, Koscheck was still seen as that guy with the goofy hair that wrestles a lot.

Koscheck’s plan for UFC 113, according to so many “experts,” was either wrestle Paul Daley to a boring decision or get smashed in a matter of seconds, courtesy of Semtex’s explosive hands.

Fortunately, the only big shot Koscheck took was after the fight.

Koscheck selling the whiffed knee, claiming he smelled oil on Daley, and complaining of eye gouging aren’t things that are going to win over many fans. Shitting on a Canadian hockey team in front of 18,000 Canadians doesn’t help a whole lot, either. However, I was a pro wrestling fan since I was born. I can confirm that the sneaky, underhanded, love-to-hate heels like Curt Hennig, Rick Rude, and Ric Flair were by far the most entertaining to watch.

The fact that Koscheck is currently the biggest heel in MMA is not lost on Dana and Co., and the ratings for the new Ultimate Fighter season, featuring a coaching war between the sweet and lovable Georges St. Pierre and the total dickface Josh Koscheck, should be monumental.

 

Paul Daley

Pre-UFC 113: 76% Juicy

Currently: 86% Juicy

Paul Daley is a whole new fighter following his clash with Koscheck at UFC 113.

He’s now has the unfortunate distinction as a sucker-puncher, and it cost him his job. I’m not one to judge whether or not this was the right call, but measures should be taken to make sure this kind of thing never happens again. And releasing a loose cannon from your roster greatly reduces the chances of that bullshit happening again.

Daley may have come away from UFC 113 as the talk of the town, but unless he can turn his new-found juiciness into a successful career in another promotion very quickly, he’s going to come crashing down the Ladder.

 

Mauricio Rua

Pre-UFC 113: 87% Juicy

Currently: 99% Juicy

I can’t help it. I love Shogun Rua. I’ve been an enormous fan of Shogun’s for years now. Although, unlike Koscheck and Daley, his juiciness has less to do with trash-talking and photoshop contest than it does with plain, old fighting.

Because when it comes to plain, old fighting, Shogun Rua may be the best in the entire world.

I don’t want a single excuse from Lyoto Machida fans. There are none. This unstoppable, untouchable, never-lost-a-round-let-alone-a-fight phenom was just beginning his supposed “Machida Era” when Shogun showed up and showed the world he was human.

When Shogun rocked Machida and beat the ever-loving piss out of him, I was screaming like a madman for him to finish the fight. It had to happen. It was the most vindicating, satisfying knockout in MMA history in my opinion, and he did it quickly and easily.

I’m not sure whether Randy Couture is definitely getting a shot at the title if he beats James Toney. I’m not even sure Randy’s going to get past Toney. But if he does, and the fight is signed, Shogun’s going to show the world how to defend the title at 205, something no one else seems to have figured out yet.

(Edit: I guess it's going to be the winner of Rashad Evans and Rampage Jackson. Good luck, gentlemen.)

 

Lyoto Machida

Pre-UFC 113: 90% Juicy

Currently: 75% Juicy

Wow. Is this really the same guy who made all those fighters look silly with his unorthodox karate background and incredibly elusive defensive techniques?

Lyoto looked good in the opening minutes, but once he went unconscious and sprawled out on the mat like a flattened frog, the aura of invincibility he and the UFC production team had spent so much time creating vanished.

Lyoto is still one of the best light-heavyweights there is, but the champion of the division has his number.

Good news for Machida: Shogun may be the only one with his number. We’re not sure yet. Lyoto must choose his next move wisely.

I hope you all enjoyed reading my version of a standard PPV review. Questions and comments are always answered, and most likely snickered at, so please leave me something to do later today while I’m trying to piss out these annoying kidney stones.

Have a juicy day, my friends.

Justin “The Juice” Orel