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NFL Satire: Albert Haynesworth Finally Dealt

Jeff KesslerContributor IApril 25, 2010

Less than 24 hours after the Redskins found someone willing to take Jason Campbell off their hands, a second trade partner was found that was willing to take disgruntled defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth.

After an offseason filled with unorthodox moves, GM Bruce Allen certainly stepped way outside the box, dealing Albert Haynesworth to Dunkin Donuts in exchange for a year's supply of donuts.

The deal makes sense for the Redskins as they unload Haynesworth, who had a less than stellar first season with the Skins in 2009 and had openly expressed his displeasure with the Redskins desire to switch to a 3-4 defense in 2010 under new defensive coordinator Jim Haslett.

In exchange, the Redskins bring in something that will improve the locker room and certainly give the team something they can use this upcoming season.

"After we dealt Jason [Campbell] for only future considerations, we felt like we needed something that could help us now.  Other teams in the NFL weren't looking to give us anything that could really aid in our vision for 2010, so when Dunkin Donuts called, we had to make the move," stated Allen, in a press conference Sunday afternoon.

When reached for comment, several current Redskins expressed their excitement for the new addition, including tight end Chris Cooley who remarked, "I've been a real fan of Dunkin' Donuts for years, and am glad to have them in our locker room."

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Coach Mike Shanahan also had a few promising words about the move.  "I know I said yesterday that we weren't going to trade Haynesworth, but who can resist Apple Spice donuts?  I mean they taste like you're eating an apple pie."

The move originally seemed to make little sense for Dunkin Donuts, as many wonder where they can use a 6'6", 350 pound defensive lineman.  However, Joe Scafido, an executive with Dunkin Donuts, insisted that they were elated about the addition.  "We can't wait to get Haynesworth on board.  When you think about someone who knows donuts, you immediately think about Haynesworth.  It seemed like a perfect match."

Asked about how such a deal came about, Scafido stated "After we read about the Campbell to Oakland for a fourth-round pick...in 2012, we thought, 'wow, they might as well have traded him for a box of donuts.'  And it was all pretty clear from there."   

As for how the donuts will perform in 2010, we'll just have to wait and see.  After the additions of quarterback Donovan McNabb, running backs Larry Johnson and Willie Parker, and newly drafted offensive tackle Trent Williams, the new look Redskins have a lot of people excited for next season.  Certainly, the addition of Dunkin Donuts can only further the excitement.

Sadly, none of the above statements or quotes are factual, with the exception of the fact that Apple Spice donuts do taste like you're eating an apple pie.