The Diary of Matt Howard's Mustache

It’s been a whirlwind ride for the Butler Bulldogs this March. After dispatching of Kansas State on Saturday, Butler reached their first Final Four that just so happens to be taking place in their hometown of Indianapolis. Getting as much attention as anything during the run is forward Matt Howard’s barely identifiable yet mesmerizing blonde mustache that was grown as a sort an homage to hockey’s playoff beard.

When mustaches get this much attention they start to take on their own personalities. And sometimes they write diaries.

February 26 – It seemed like for years every single time I tried to become a part of Matt’s life, he would reject me. I thought I made some good progress one time in high school when he and I were first introduced, but then he just tossed me away like garbage. Rather than letting our relationship blossom and just giving us a shot, he would always his Gillette and hack me off like I was totally meaningless. And then tonight, I overheard the whole Butler team talking about how they were going to grow mustaches for the NCAA Tournament. I finally have my chance and you better believe that I’m going to grow as thin and blonde as I possibly can to impress him. Anything he throws at me I’m going to hang onto – cookies, milk, maple syrup, whatever.

March 12 – I saw highlights of Matt on TV the other day and, if you looked real close, I’m pretty sure you could see me. At least when he turned sideways. This is the happiest I’ve been since last week when he ate a chocolate long john and a bunch of the frosting got stuck on me. God, it’s been so long since I’ve had a donut. And on top of that, life is even better now that he’s gotten rid of that flavor savor that he was trying out. That thing was a complete hipster d-bag.

March 25 – I’m pretty sure that someone just started a Facebook page for me and I had nothing to do with it. If I could, I would totally become friends with it, but I can’t because…I’m a wispy patch of blonde hair. I’m trying not to get cocky about this, but when is the last time a blonde mustache on a white guy playing basketball in Indiana got this much attention? Hint: it was freaking Larry Bird’s nose skirt. Just saying.

March 26 – Mark Schlabach from ESPN just wrote an entire article about me. The biggest sports website in the world is writing about how significant I am. He even compared me to Larry Bird’s – that stache was my idol. I almost started crying when I read that, then I realized it was just Matt’s nose running.  Don’t hate, it gets cold out sometimes in Indy.

March 27 – We are officially headed to the Final Four. I have 576 members on my Facebook page. ESPN.com has written two articles on me. When I got off the plane the other day, people were just staring at me like I was Rollie Fingers quality. Coach can’t even grow one like me. You probably think I’m getting a big head and that I’m just one shave away from being irrelevant. Whatever.

March 30 – I’ve been feeling like me and Matt aren’t getting along lately.  Lots of scratching going on.  Makes me a bit worried about whether my time is limited.  I’m seriously thinking about shaving Matt’s head off and going solo before he tries to get rid of me.

With as powerful as I’ve become, he’ll seriously regret messing with me.  Get rid of me and Matt Howard just becomes another dorky white guy to play basketball.  Bring it on, nerd.

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