"I'm going to attempt to drown myself...You can try this at home...You can be just like me." Eminem-1998
When Al Davis heard this line come out, he said, "Yo, that is soooo me."
And every single, first round pick since then has been a direct reflection of those lyrics.
Al Davis is trying to drown the Raiders.
So, with that in mind, I'm going to give us all something to look forward to. It's a mock draft that we can all agree we don't want to happen. Here goes nothing.
With the number 8 pick in the first round of the 2010 NFL Draft, The Oakland Raiders select Taylor Mays, safety from USC.
We all know who he is. We all know Al Davis wanted to draft him last year. Most of us want a good OT or MLB Rolando McClain. But Al does not ever give us what we want. For example, most of us wanted the Raiders to let Stanford Routt walk, and he instead receives a first and third round tender. He freaking got a raise!
With the number 40 pick in the 2010 NFL draft, the Oakland Raiders select Tim Tebow, QB from Florida.
What do you mean he wasn't the fastest QB? What was all that running he did at Florida?
Who the heck cares if his throw comes all the way from down by his hip? He won two straight national titles in that REALLY simple offense down there. But hey, he did have a stellar game against Cincinnati, you know.
And Tebow fills a need on the offense. We have a QB with a great arm. What we need now is a QB who has great leadership skills and can contribute to the community in a positive way. Hey, if Darren McFumbles can't run the wild hog formation, then you need to get yourself a Tebow!
With the eighth pick in the third round of the 2010 NFL draft, the Oakland Raiders select Jacoby Ford, WR from Clemson.
"This kid ran a what?" said Al Davis.
"He ran a 4.28, sir." said Tom Cable.
And the rest was history. There is an upside here, Nation—he can catch. And we do need help in the return game. We can't just be keeping useless WRs like Nick Miller on the roster with an injury all year again. Not to imply that Miller's future will be useless, but this guy was seriously on the active roster for 15 games and never played a single down.
Not so with Jacoby Ford...even though he might be a smidge smaller than Miller. Not sure about that, but they are both really little...and fast!
With the 22nd pick in the third round, the Oakland Raiders select Jarrett Brown, QB from West Virginia.
When I say this guy is fast, I mean fast. We need a guy who can take over that wild hog if Tebow goes down. He's a regular Micheal Vick clone for all those of you who want Vick in Silver and Black.
I got news for you, Vick is not going to be a Raider, but Jarrett Brown is. Hey, if we draft enough QB's we're bound to find one who is worth a crap eventually, right?
With the eighth pick in the fourth round of the 2010 draft, the Oakland Raiders select Jim Harbaugh, head coach from Stanford.
"Ummm...Mr. Davis, you can't draft head coaches." said Roger Goodell.
"Oh darn it all to heck. Where is Amy Trask? She needs to look into this and fix it. It's time for a change damn it! Where's my lawyers?!?!?!?" begged Al Davis.
With the eighth pick in the fourth round, the Oakland Raiders select Jermaine Cunningham, DE from Florida.
Well, in the sixth round two years ago, we selected a guy named Trevor Scott . It didn't work out. He is now playing linebacker. Cunningham has the same potential. He is 6'3", 252 pounds and fast...like 4.68 fast.
Who says Richardson, Seymour, Ellis, and Shaughnessy have any kind of future here anyway? Besides, if they were smart, they would have given Seymour's DNA to those scientists who cloned that one sheep and said, "Here, we want seven more of these."
That would surely be worth the first rounder from 2011.
But hey, we got our best player in the fourth round from Florida last year. Who's to say lightning can't strike twice?
With the eighth pick in the fifth round, the Oakland Raiders select Dakoda Watson, OLB from Florida State.
So what if he is smaller than Taylor Mays, he is really fast for a linebacker. Look, it's a pick where nobody knows who the hell he is. We should be getting used to those by now.
If all else fails, we can just try him as a cornerback. We need to get this guy to the training facility ASAP!
With the 22nd pick in the fifth round, the Oakland Raiders select Shelly Smith, G from Colorado State.
Who? Ya, exactly.
With the 8th pick in the 7th round, the Raiders select...ahhhhh, who cares? I'm going to be a fan of the Browns now.