Sports Channels That Need To Be Created

Christmas came early for the Gifford household this year (me and my dad), my dad won a LCD HDTV at his company Christmas party two Saturdays ago, and subsequently, we upgraded our cable package. So we now get all the HD channels plus a bunch of other channels we didn’t get before. Included in the “bunch of other channels we didn’t get before” are the NFL Network, the MLB Network, and NBA TV. Being a crazy sports fan, now that we have those channels I can die a happy man. My girlfriend’s not particularly thrilled about me having those channels at my fingertips, because she’s afraid I won’t go to work. I might have to give her prophet status with her theory because I was almost late to work last week because I was watching a video recap from an old Super Bowl (just don’t tell her I said that). Anyway, these channels got me to thinking. Now that I have these channels of consistent sports at the tip of my index finger, what other sports channels do I want? What other channels can be on my cable package that can instantly entertain me whenever I turn them on and keep me glued to the television like all of America was when they tried to figure out if Janet Jackson’s breast was actually exposed during her Super Bowl halftime performance. I thought long and hard about this (I call this my Peter North Ponder, Google his name and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about) and I came up with three channels that I want on my cable package like…yesterday.

The channels that I created went through a rigorous testing process. (Basically this “rigorous” testing method consisted of me coming up with an idea for a channel, and then thinking, “Can I write six or seven lines about this channel?” And if the answer was yes, it made the list.) The channels that I came up with fit one of the following criteria:

1. The channel needs to be entertaining.

(And I’m not talking about the type of entertaining where you force yourself into being entertained. For example, you’re watching a tacky Christmas made-for-TV-movie with your family. The acting is terrible, you’ve poked so many holes in the story line that it’s now Swiss cheese, and you’ve never heard of the actors/actresses you’re watching. So to make the movie entertaining you either picture the lead female actress topless or re-create the ending of the movie to where a nuclear bomb gets dropped on everybody involved. From doing these two things, you’re making your own entertainment, so you’re forcing it. The channels I created are entertaining as soon as they are turned on.)

2. The channel needs to be sports related.

(How else could I put this column up on my “sports” blog if it wasn’t sports related?)

3. TIVO type programming.

(TIVO type programming means that there will be programs in which you need to tape because otherwise you will feel that you’re life is somehow empty without them.)

Bonus: Unintentional comedy

(I put this as a bonus because you don’t necessarily need this in order for a channel to be entertaining, but it sure does help.)

Okay, so now that we’ve set the parameters. Here are the channels that I want to be created.

1. Oakland Raiders 24/7

Why isn’t this a channel yet? What’s the biggest factor that draws people to watching reality television? The possibility that what they’re watching might turn into a complete s*&t show. People didn’t watch The Two Coreys because they wanted to dissect the symbiotic relationship between Corey Feldman and Corey Haim. (Not sure if there was one but it just sounded good) They watched the show because there was always potential for an unstable and drugged up Corey Haim to do something that might cause himself bodily harm. People don’t watch the show Cheaters because they want to see the couples involved to work their issues out and get therapy. They watch the show so they can see how bad the women beat up their husbands who cheat and how ugly the “other” woman is. Right now in Oakland, there is no possibility that this might turn into a train wreck. To keep with the train analogy, that train is long gone. The Oakland Raiders right now are the biggest train wreck in professional sports. The Raiders current coach was accused of punching one of his assistants in the face, they picked a wide receiver 5^th overall based upon how fast the guy ran in a 40 yard dash, and their owner is by far the craziest owner in all of sports. Controversy, incompetence, and the potential for anything to happen at any given time; again, how is this not a reality channel already? To set the channel up, cameras will be put in every room of the Oakland Raiders facility. But three main cameras will be focused upon for the majority of the channel’s content, the camera in Al Davis’ office, the camera in the locker room, and the camera in coach Tom Cable’s office. All cameras will have a boom mic attached to it to get all of the dialogue that goes on. I can envision it now. We cut to Al Davis taking a nap in his owner’s chair (he’s old, old people take naps), he’s sleeping peacefully, and then all of a sudden he violently wakes up. He screams loudly and calls his secretary into his office. The dialogue might go something like this:

Secretary: Mr. Davis are you okay?

Davis: I think so; I just had the weirdest dream.

Secretary: What was it Mr. Davis?

Davis: There was a white light in front of me, so I followed it. It lead me all the way to heaven. I got to the Pearly Gates and the Gatekeeper said to me, “We’ve been expecting you Mr. Davis.” Then I said that I wasn’t dead yet. Then the Gatekeeper said to me “Really? I could have sworn that I got the memo that all staff should be expecting you soon. Are you sure you’re not dead yet? I nodded my head yes. Then he said “Okay then, I’m gonna send you back down. By the way Mr. Davis, cut JaMarcus Russell. Then I woke up.

That’s good stuff right there. I can also envision seeing coach Tom Cable talking on the phone to one of his friends. “I can’t wait for that old hag to die so we can get a quarterback who knows what the hell he’s doing. I don’t know how many times I’ve told JaMarcus that the receiver is going to run a seam route this play, and then the idiot looks at his pants. Ugh! I get so mad at him sometimes that I just want to punch somebody.” For those two situations right there, I will pay any price for that to be in my channel lineup.

2. FBSN (Fail Blog Sports Network)

I don’t know about you, but when SportsCenter shows its Not Top Ten Plays of the week or month, I’m just as excited, if not more so, to watch it than the actual Top Ten Plays. As a society, we love to see people screw up and then laugh at it. If you think I’m wrong, then why are there television shows like America’s Funniest Home Videos and websites like Fail Blog? The answer is, we love to laugh at or be entertained by the misfortunes and failures of others. I say we get Fail Blog on board and call the channel the Fail Blog Sports Network to give it a current name that will draw a lot of young people to the network. This channel will cover all screw ups, small and large, from the history of sports. For example, one show that could be on FBSN is a weekly show that covers a variety of failures from the world of sports. “Top Ten Fails” will be a show that counts down the top ten fails in a certain category. I want the first show to be the top ten fails in regards to draft pick busts, just so I can see Rex Grossman up on a television screen with the words “EPIC FAIL” next to his picture. That thought right there puts a smile upon my face. Also the channel can have some serious documentaries behind it, for example, there can be an hour long documentary series named “Behind the Fail” that could cover topics such as Bill Buckner’s error in game 6 of the 1986 World Series or Steve Norwood’s wide right kick to end Super Bowl 25 and the aftermath of the miscues. For as many triumphs that there have been in the history of sports, there are more failures that I think could give this channel the content it needs to keep it’s lineup fresh, and more importantly, entertaining.

3.  The MMA Channel

With all of the different promotions in Mixed Martial Arts, it’s really hard to keep up with all the news and notes from the different promotions. I know the UFC is the best and “The King” right now, but there are a lot of good fighters in other promotions. That’s why I feel that there needs to be an MMA channel that covers all of Mixed Martial Arts. I also think this will speed up the process of making MMA mainstream, because if there a channel just dedicated to Mixed Martial Arts, then people can tune in any time they want and introduce themselves to the sport and the big players in it. The channel will consist of SportsCentury type documentaries of great fighters, old pay per view events from the past, and shows dedicated to up and coming fighters that you haven’t necessarily heard about. There could also be days dedicated to certain promotions. For example, there can be a UFC day, Strikeforce day, or WEC day, where old pay per views of the promotions could be shown and shows dedicated to the big fighters from each promotion. I can honestly say that this channel would be on 24/7 at my house, and if I had this channel, along with the other sports channels I have now, my girlfriend might consider leaving me. Okay, she wouldn’t consider leaving. She just would leave. Immediately.

Just kidding about the girlfriend part :)