Sundays From the Cellar: One Week Left of the Nightmare

Record: 1-14

Sunday’s Inevitable Outcome: Arizona 31, Rams 10

Week 16 Viewing Strategy: Take solace in the fact that Sunday will be the last time I will see the 2009 St. Louis Rams. Next week is a home game against the San Francisco 49ers meaning there is effectively a 100% chance that it will be blacked out on local television. And no matter how awful the team has become, no matter how little chance they have to win from week to week, if they’re on television on Sunday afternoon, I will inevitably be sitting in front of it shaking my head in disgust until the end.

Thanks, NFL.

The Key to Arizona’s Victory
Ken Whisenhunt has learned the secret of coaching success. It’s not putting together a competant staff or building around a dominant defense or running game like some traditionalists will have you believe. It’s all in the sideburns. Or more specifically, the lack thereof.

Everyone knows that NegBurns equal coaching genius…

Get to shaving Coach Spags

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If you told me that one Rams player was throwing the game…
…and I had to guess which one it was, it would undoubtedly be Tight End Randy McMichael. Why? Because there simply is no way that a man who has caught 364 passes in his 8 year NFL career as a tight end can possibly have hands as bad as McMichael’s. Week after week, he forces one to question whether underneath his receiver gloves are human hands or lobster claws.

Randy, I almost hope that you’re shaving points at this point.

By the Numbers…
Boldin/Fitzgerald receiving yards – 164
Entire Rams team receiving yards – 171

One More and its Official
The lone benefit of watching the league’s worst teams for 15 weeks is that, if they’re bad enough, they may secure the prestigious top slot in the NFL draft. Whether that slot is a benefit or a detriment these days given the amount of money committed to what amounts to an unproven player is up for debate. If the Rams lose next week or the Detroit Lions win, the Rams and Lions will have officially flipped spots from the 2009 draft, with the Rams going first overall and the Lions second.

Assuming the Rams lose as expected next week, Ndamukong Suh should be theirs and fans can watch as the team does everything within its power to take a first round defensive tackle and make him completely obsolete as they have done multiple times this decade.

Competition for #32
For the majority of the season, the two teams that have jockeyed with the Rams for claim to the title of worst team in the NFL were the Cleveland Browns and the Tampa Bay Bucs. The Browns have now won three games in a row to improve to 4-11, light years better than the Rams, and the Bucs just won their second in a row, this time over the 13-1 New Orleans Saints on the road. Safe to say, the only teams that are in the same conversation as the Rams in terms of ineptitude are the Kansas City Chiefs and the Detroit Lions, but let’s not pretend that either of those teams have a resume as impressive as the Rams’.

The Rams boast the worst record in the league, the largest point differential, their lone win is over the second crappiest team in the league (Lions), they have 20 fewer points than the next most inept offense, and they also have the worst three-year record in NFL history.  Pretty safe to say, they’ve got #32 sewn up.

#32 St. Louis (L 31-10) -

Up Next: vs. San Francisco

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