Classless Predictions: The Jersey Shore (and Other Useless Reality TV)

Jaded:  126-58
Indignant:   112-72


Indignant: It’s like totally the hottest thing going right now, so we thought we’d like totally like just do a Jersey Shore edition of picks this week and either get a picks from someone from the cast or give the teams and games a straight up Jersey Guido nickname. “If hatin’ is your occupation, we got a full time job for ya.” _The Situation.

Jaded:  I tried, I tried, and I just can’t do it.  When Indignant told me we were doing a Jersey Shore theme this week I DVR’d three episodes of the infamous Jersey Shore trying to do my homework like a good little aspiring wannabe journalist.  I sat through the horror that is Jersey Shore and watched one of the annoying women get punched at bar by some dude and then watched MTV cover their asses with a nice little statement about how violence towards women is wrong, etc. etc.  Regardless, this didn’t work for me.  This week becomes Indignant impersonating Jersey Shore and me disguising my disdain for reality TV with a few random analogies here and there.


Colts (13-0) @ Jaguars (7-6); Cowboys (8-5) @ Saints (13-0)
Indignant and Jaded had the Colts and Saints prior to kickoff of these games.


49ers (6-7) @ Eagles (9-4)
Indignant: “Yo Philly dudes are sexy. I know this one bartender in Philly, he coulda’ been a football player but he does like amazing things as a bartender.”_Angelina
(49ers)

Jaded:  Speaking of reality shows I’ve never watched but haunt me, this game is John and Kate plus 8.  Just get rid of John and Kate and add Andy Reid plus 8 (chins).  The following text took place last week after the Eagles/Giants game:

Jaded:  Did you see that chest bump?  Are you kidding me?
Indignant:  Yeah I saw it, and I felt it too.

…this comes from a Californian.  (Eagles) 


Bears (5-8) @ Ravens (7-6)
Indignant: This games Jersey Shore nickname would be “The Mismatch.” Much like comparing my abs and style to yours, this would be a complete mismatch.
(Ravens)

Jaded:  Murderers and less than talented divas on the same field at the same time?  Say hello to P. Diddy’s next production of Making the Band… (Ravens)


Bengals (9-4) @ Chargers (10-3)
Indignant: “I never been to California, but I hear there are sexy tanned guys down there. And I mean so what if I look at a guys penis when I have a boyfriend. That’s not cheating. And I mean it’s whatever if I put it in my mouth, I mean he’s a D.J. that plays house music!” _ JWoww
 (Chargers)

Jaded:  JWoww = whore; Chris Henry = tragic.  RIP (Chargers)


Browns (2-11) @ Chiefs (3-10)
Indignant: “This one time my boy was all like ‘I gotta’ go take the Browns to the Superbow.’ AAhhh! That shit was funny!!” _ Ronnie (Chiefs)

Jaded:  This one can be dedicated to every reality TV show that mercifully never got off the ground.  Too bad this one will.  (Chiefs)


Bucs (2-11) @ Seahawks (5-8)
Indignant: “I don’t even know what a Buccaneer is. I also don’t know what a Seahawk is. Wait what’s football? Where am I? Is there someone on steroids that can take me home and put something inside of me? I think that would jog my memory.” _ Snookie (Seahawks)

Jaded:  I guess this game qualifies as The Simple Life.  Both teams have a ton of excuses for being unexplained failures and the American public still has to watch.  Here’s hoping for night vision. (And no, I have NO idea what that meant…)
(Seahawks)


Cardinals (8-5) @ Lions (2-11)
Indignant: “This might be one Blowout that is big enough that it’d need more hair gel than me.” _DJ Pauly D (Cards)

Jaded:  This week on The Next Iron Chef the secret ingredient is lion meat.  Zero chance the home team makes it through all five courses.  On the bright side, there are a lot of Lions on that team, so there’s a decent chance the city of Detroit actually gets to eat this week.  (Cardinals)


Dolphins (7-6) @ Titans (6-7)
Indignant: This games Jersey Shore nickname: “The Enigma.” Because it’s pretty confusing to figure out who is going to win, and also who cares.  (Titans)

Jaded:  In a week full of lackluster matches, this game is Survivor.  It’s the original successful reality show and it still has some potential from time to time.  Not to mention the winner of this game gets immunity for the week and the loser…well they get nothing.  Meanwhile, who in their right mind would do the things that these people do for a million dollars?  If I’m eating a rat I need at least ten.  (Dolphins)


Falcons (6-7) @ Jets (7-6)
Indignant: “The Jets are freaking amazing! I will buy a drink for the ugliest girl at the bar if the Falcons even score a point and I will bring her home and bang her if they can beat the Jets. Go Jets! Where’s my glow stick.. Oh there it is.”_ Vinny
 (Falcons)

Jaded:  This game definitely qualifies as The Dog Whisperer.  I’m pretty sure the loser of this game finally gets put down for the season and the winner is just a useless dog trainer who probably won’t accomplish much beyond being featured in a South Park episode.  Either that or Rex Ryan puts Mark Sanchez in a sparkly dog caller for their next one on one meeting.  (Jets)


Packers (9-4) @ Steelers (6-7)
Indignant: This games Jersey Shore nickname: “Blizzard.” These teams are going to need to shovel themselves off of the sidelines. Running games and pass rushing will win it. (Steelers)

Jaded:  Come on, who isn’t expecting Ashton Kutcher to show up son and tell all the loyal ‘yinzers’ of Pittsburgh that this whole season was him and Troy Polamolu working out some elaborate Punk’d gag?  Then again, the same could probably be said for the Packers’ recent upswing.  (Packers)


Patriots (9-4) @ Bills (5-8)
Indignant: “Like my cousin Franky has a friend named Johnny, whose brothers’ sisters’ friends’ cousin totally banged Tom Brady.” _ Snookie
(Patriots)

Jaded:  Real World: Boston, 2.0.  The coach is losing his edge, the quarterback is trying to keep everyone happy, and the star wide receiver hates everybody.  Come on…this is compelling TV.  (Pats)


Raiders (4-9) @ Broncos (8-5)
Indignant: Jersey Shore nickname: “The Appointment.” Brandon Marshall is getting into the Chris Johnson, Randy Moss arena of appointment viewing. You really never know when they’re going to come up huge and make an ESPN Classic type play. (Broncos)

Jaded:  Shaq’s Big Challenge.  Well, subtract Shaq and add Namde.  It’ll be fun to watch Orton force the ball to Marshall twenty-one times this week.  (Broncos)


Texans (6-7) @ Rams (1-12)
Indignant: “Who cares? I mean really, who the freak even cares about these homo games, or your homo website? This is such bullshit. You’re a loser if you care about this crap. On Sundays I go tanning, go to the gym and then go tanning again and that’s why I am better than you. What’s that? Of course I don’t have a job. Yeah, it’s a G.E.D., so what! I’ll wreck you!” _ Mike “The Situation”  (Texans)

Jaded:  When his free agency rolls around, Stephen Jackson is going to be the hottest Bachelor on the market.  Until then, he’s stuck dealing with ugly chicks and wishing that Jesse Palmer was his quarterback.  (Texans)


Vikings (11-2) @ Panthers (5-8)
Indignant: “What the heck is a Viking? Is that like when you go walking in the mountains or something, with boots on and junk? I mean that’s so stooped!”_ Sammie ‘Sweetheart” (Vikings)

Jaded:  This is sort of like American Gladiators.  Except the Vikings are the Gladiators and the Panthers are their unarmed, unpadded, untalented opponents.  This is going to get ugly, I hear the Jack Daniels calling to me already.  (Vikings)


Giants (7-6) @ Redskins (4-9)
Indignant: “Go Giants!! The Giants are like the best team. I will buy a drink for the ugliest girl at the bar at the Redskins even score a point and I will bring her home and bang her if they can beat the Giants. Go Giants! Where’s my glow stick.. Oh there it is.”_ Ronnie   (Redskins)

Jaded:  American Idol?  Not for any particular reason, just because I would be remiss to write a column about reality TV and neglect to mention Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, and bikini girl.  Plus, I’m pretty sure there has to be at least one analogy I could make comparing Eli Manning to Clay Aiken.  (Giants)