Advice To Professional Athletes: Don't Workout

Here’s some advice to all professional athletes.

Don’t hit the gym too hard, because if you begin to gain more muscle mass and definition, the court of public opinion will immediately rule that you are guilty of steroid use.

Tiger Woods has become more muscular over the years – STEROIDS!

Dara Torres couldn’t possibly look like that at her age – STEROIDS!

Albert Pujols has bulging biceps and hits 450-foot home runs with ease – STEROIDS!

It doesn’t matter that there’s absolutely no evidence to substantiate these claims; we simply see the way they look and make our decision.  

But folks, looking solely at an athlete’s build is an almost irrelevant criterion upon which to base accusations of steroid use.

Believe it or not, it is indeed possible to gain more muscle mass and definition by hitting the gym for two hours a day.

Now, if someone were to turn from skin and bones into Mark McGuire in a matter of 6 weeks, then ok, that might warrant a few questions.  

But if guys like Tiger Woods or Albert Pujols slowly transform their bodies over a period of years, it doesn’t automatically justify a slam of the gavel while angrily yelling “STEROIDS.”

Another one of our new favorite pastimes is to take pictures of athletes from ten years ago and compare them to the way they look today.

Tiger Woods is a lot bigger and more muscular today than he was 12 years ago, so he must have used steroids, right?

If that were the criteria upon which to base our decisions, then I too used steroids.

I’m far bigger and more defined today than I was 10 years ago.

I go to the gym for around three hours a week if I’m lucky.

My diet consists more of pizza and cheeseburgers than it does of grilled chicken and vegetables.

I don’t even know what steroids look like, let alone having taken them…although I did take some Flintstone vitamins as a kid. Does that count?

Yet if I were a professional athlete hitting 50 home runs a year, the steroid accusations would by flying my way faster than I could get down all of those Philly cheese steak sandwiches I order three times a week.

Accusations of steroid use often fall under the “gossip” category.

And needless to say, we do love our gossip, which is the main reason why rumors about steroid use are so intriguing to the general public these days.

Tiger Woods has now appeared on the cover of the New York Post for 19 consecutive days, which ties for the longest running single news story to appear on the cover.  

What story did it tie?

The September 11th attacks in New York City.

If that doesn’t tell us something about our insatiable thirst for gossip, then nothing does.

Remember, the newspaper industry is just that; an industry. 

Newspapers print what we want to read, and there’s nothing we are more interested in than a good old-fashioned gossip story.