Notre Dame Football: Brian Kelly's Second Day on the Job

Dec. 15, 2009, 8:30 AM, the phone rings in the Notre Dame Athletic Office:

Donna:  Good morning, athletic office, Donna speaking.

BK:  Donna, it's Coach Kelly, can you come into my office please?

Donna:  Yes, Coach Kelly.

Donna enters Coach Kelly's Office:

BK:  Donna, what's this on my wall?

Donna:  Which wall, Coach Kelly?

BK: The one behind my desk, where the picture of my wife and kids were when I left for Dayton yesterday afternoon.

Donna:  Oh, that's a picture, Coach Kelly.

BK:  I know it's a picture, whose picture is it?

Donna:  That's Mr. Swarbrick's picture, Coach.  That's a  picture of Mr. Swarbrick from 1974 when his fraternity finished fourth in the fraternity football league.  Do you see the football in his hands?

BK: The one that says "Phi Poacha Coacha?"

Donna: Yes.

BK:  WHAT"S IT DOING ON MY WALL!!

Donna:  MR. Swarbrick came down here yesterday afternoon and placed it there. 

BK:  Why?

Donna:  Coach, MR. Swarbrick has a lot invested in you, his success, to a large degree, depends on yours.  He wants you to know that he's, in a sense, watching over you all the time.

Take a look at the picture in the Athletic Office near the water fountain, when you get a chance.  He put up one of himself standing on a balance beam. 

It was taken in 1991 when his company was in charge of the World Gymnastic Championships in Indianapolis.  I must say, he looks like he's ready to throw up.  Did you ever get on the balance beam Coach Kelly?

BK:  No Donna, I've never gotten on the balance beam.

Donna:  Coach, Mr. Swarbrick wants you to call him as soon as you have a minute.

BK:  Thank you Donna, is there anything on my calendar today that I should know about?

Donna: At 1:30 you are supposed to come down to the Rockne Room.

BK:  What for?

Donna: The Fort Wayne Alumni Organization will be having lunch there and Mr. Swarbrick wants you to mingle for about an hour.

BK:  Anything else?

Donna:  At 2:45 you have a meeting with WSBT, they want to do an interview with you that will appear on their broadcast tonight, and at 3:15 someone is coming down from the South Bend Tribune to also interview you.

BK: Is that it, or do I have to spend my whole day talking to reporters when I have to get out on the recruiting trail?

Donna:  There's two more.  At 4:00 Mr. Swarbrick wants you to show his nephew around the campus.  His nephew is 17 years old and might attend Notre Dame next year.

BK:  What am I, the coach or a social director?

Donna:  Just relax, There's only one more appointment for you.

BK:  What's that?

Donna: At 6:30 you have dinner with Paul Hornung's grandson, he too is considering attending Notre Dame.

BK:  Well that's okay, at least I'll finish the day talking to a football prospect.

Donna:  Not quite Coach Kelly, Paul Hornung's grandson is a golfer and he's interested in our physics department.

Coach Kelly calls Jack Swarbrick:

BK:  Jack, Donna said you wanted me to call you.

SW:  Yes Brian, thanks for calling.  I wanted to know how you made out in Dayton yesterday with the quarterback.

BK:  I never made it to Dayton, Jack.

SW:  What happened?

BK:  Right before I hit the Ohio border, the Harley broke down.  I had to pull off to the side of the rode, and lucky for me a couple of bikers pulled over and tried to get it going again.

SW:  What was wrong?

BK:  I don't know, but they couldn't fix it.  I called a car rental place and they came out with a car and a trailer.  I put it on the trailer and drove back.

But Jack, one of the bikers I met was about 6'6", 265 lbs and I think I might have reeled in a big one!

He told me hes's working on his graduate equivalency diploma, his "GED," and I was wondering if you can push him through for me.

SW:  You'll have to give me his name.  I need his name and we can do a little background check to see if he'll project as a candidate.

BK:  Jack, I've got his name for you right here, I wrote it down, hold on...Jack his name is "Spike"

SW: Spike?  Spike what?

BK:  Spike!

SW:  What's his last name, Brain?

BK:  It's just Spike, Jack.  You know, like Madonna, Cher, Sting.  Just Spike!

Donna calls Coach Kelly's office and announces that someone from Nike is on line one:

BK:  Thank you Donna, I'll take it...Hello.

CW:  Brian, it's Charlie Weis, I told Donna I was from Nike so I could talk to you.  I don't think she wants me to call anymore.

BK:  What is it Charlie?

CW:  I want to know if you know how much they are going to deduct from my check for the leprechaun uniform.  I priced one out at Target and it came to around $129.99.

BK:  Charlie, I don't know.  Thanks for calling!

BK:  Donna, get Randy Edsall on the phone.

Donna: Right away, Coach Kelly.

Five minutes later, Donna has Randy Edsall on the phone and tells Coach Kelly to pick up line two:

BK:  Randy, I wanted to get back to you about what we were discussing yesterday.  I had a couple of ideas that you might want to hear.

RE:  I'm all ears, Brian.  Let 'er' rip.

BK:  I know that you don't want to have to play your home games in Gillette Stadium.

RE:  That's right, Brian.

BK:  Well, I thought of another place we could play.

RE:  I hope you're going to say Storrs, Connecticut.

BK:  No, No, you'll like this better.

RE:  WHERE?

BK:  How about Zaire?

RE:  Where?

BK:  Zaire!

RE:  Where?

BK:  Zaire, Zaire, Zaire!!

RE:  Brian, are you out of you're mind?

BK:  Randy, did you see the movie "Ali?"

RE: Yeah, it sucked.

BK:  I know it sucked, but did you see that stadium.  It must of held 200,000 people.  Think of all the money we could make.

RE:  I don't know Brian, those people, what do they know about football?

BK:  All we have to do is bring along Ali.  We'll just bring him out to the middle of the field for the coin toss.  They'll fill the stadium.  They'll go crazy.

RE:  Brian, did I tell you yesterday that Schiano is planning to call you after his bowl game?

BK:  No, you didn't.  What does he want?

RE:  He has this idea that he can talk you into joining the conference.

BK:  The BIG EAST?  Is he crazy?

RE:  It's not such a bad idea, Brian.  I was thinking about bringing it up myself.

BK:  Randy, how am I going to go back to Cincinnati?  We'll have to play them.  Do you think I'm going back there again?

RE:  I talked to Schiano and we thought you were going to worry about that.  We've already spoke with the Ohio National Guard and they said they can handle the situation.

BK:  Thanks for calling, I'll get back to you.

Coach Kelly calls Donna:

Donna:  Donna speaking, is that you Coach Kelly?

BK:  Donna, Do you know if we donate to the Ohio National Guard?

Donna:  As far as I know, we just donate to the Indiana National Guard.  Don't quote me, but I think we make donations to the Yankees and to the New Jersey Sports and Exposition Authority also.

*If you've missed "Notre Dame Football: Brian Kelly's First Day on the Job,"  you can read it by looking it up on google.