Nothing Says Christmas Like the Big Guy in Red, NASCAR's Tony Stewart

Kara MartinSenior Analyst IDecember 13, 2009

Countless times during the season NASCAR begs the question, "How bad have you got it?"

As loyal fans we understand exactly what that means. We spend 36 weeks out of the year with our favorite drivers, tracks, sponsors, and announcers.

During the off-season we find it hard to function without our beloved sport and look for the NASCAR in everyday life, grabbing at any straw to help tide us over until February.

In my own twisted mind, I can warp something as simple as color into a NASCAR analogy.

Take for instance, Tony Stewart. In years past, his familiar orange firesuit reminded me of "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown."

When he donned his yellow Subway sponsored digs, in my eyes he became an enormous, squishy, sugary-sweet, marshmallow "Peep."

Dressed in Burger King blue, Stewart morphed into Violet Beuregarde, the character from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, who ignores Wonka's protest not to chew a three-course dinner gum that he has created, stating that it was "not ready for human consumption."

The blueberry pie stage proves defective, causing poor Violet to swell into a giant blueberry, unable to move thanks in part to her giant girth.

None of the hues were ever quite right in my girlish, fashionista mind, but thanks to Stewart's "new" sponsor Office Depot, the red fire suit has proven that Christmas is indeed the most wonderful time of the year.

Add to that his "bowlful of jelly" belly and Yes, Virginia girl, there is a Santa Claus.

I'll be the first to admit that its a crazy concept, but that is just how bad I've got it!

So thanks Tony Stewart for diverting my holiday visions of sugar-plums into more rewarding images that dance in my head.

Oh, one more thing. If you are planning on shimmying down my chimney this year, in my very best Eartha Kitt, I give you a few of my Christmas wishes.

Stewie baby, slip a sway bar under the tree,
For me.
Been an awful good girl,
Stewie baby, so hurry down the race track tonight.

Stewie baby, a Chevrolet Impala too,
Red hue.
I'll wait up for you dear,
Stewie baby, so hurry down the speedway tonight.

Think of all the fun you’ve missed,
Because you are the fella that I haven't kissed,
Happy hour could be just as good,
If you'll check off my Christmas list.

Stewie baby, we wanna see a little Swagger.
Not her.
Time to ditch all the blonds.
Stewie baby, so hurry through the road course tonight.

Stewie honey, there's one thing I really do need,
Some speed
Across the finish line first,
Stewie honey, so hurry down the short track tonight.

Stewie cutie, and fill my stocking with a bump draft
And pass
Johnson to victory lane,
Stewie cutie, and don’t avoid the media tonight.

Come and be my lucky dog
I will feed you donuts and never make you jog,
I really do believe in you,
Let's see if you believe in me,

Stewie baby, forgot to mention one little thought,
Your pit stop.
Let’s make it under 15.00.
Stewie baby, just don’t speed down the pit road tonight,

Hurry down my chimney tonight,
Hurry, tonight.

Many thanks to the late, great Eartha Kitt and her redition of the Christmas classic, Santa Baby for the inspiration.


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