Classless Predictions: Christmas Carols?

Jaded: 114-54

Indignant: 98-70


Indignant: We were going to try and not delve too much into the Holiday Hullabaloo; we wanted to tread lightly on a theme this week and do something celebrity oriented again or maybe something related to television or movies.

I couldn’t get away from it though. The Holiday Spirit not only has forced me to spend hundreds of dollars on people whom' I dislike, but its also made it so that I can’t go about my daily activity without being bombarded by little singing black girls in flannel or denim wearing shadesters ringing a bell and asking me for money.

On that note, we’ll go ahead and deviate from all logic, cultural standards, and holiday norms to tell you which Christmas Carol should be played in the background of each game and why it probably sucks. 

Jaded:  I HATE Christmas…


Bengals (9-3) @ Vikings (10-2)
Indignant: “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” (Specifically by Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band) - You would think an upbeat song by a talented rock musician who I actually enjoy would sway me towards liking it. It doesn’t. This song is epically disappointing and makes me want to wait until someone Brings on the Night and then (born to) RUN down to his house, rip out his (hungry) Heart and gouge out his (Gloria’s) Eyes! Bruce, stick to what you know. Back to my original point; this game seems as though it’d be a good match up but I think the Vikings sadly are going to destroy them. (Vikings)

Jaded:  Somebody ruined the whole Santa Claus thing for me when I was three, so I’ve known for a long time he wasn’t coming to town.  My therapist taught me to deflect, so I’m going to do that now with some interesting facts about Bruce Springsteen: 1) Bruce has played in one Super Bowl; Brett Favre has played in two.  2) Bruce has been playing for the same band since 1972, Brett has only been a Viking for fifteen weeks.  3)Bruce Springsteen is sixty years old; rumor has it Brett used to babysit Bruce when Bruce was a baby. (Vikings)

Bills (4-8) @ Chiefs (3-9)
Indignant: “White Christmas” – A boring and awfully played game will surely be best represented by a boring, cliché ridden, musically mediocre piece of taint. (Bills)

Jaded:  If this was a Christmas production, there would be 22 Tiny Tims on stage at all times this Sunday.  (Bills)

Broncos (8-4) @ Colts (12-0)
Indignant: “A Virgin Unspotted” - Listen, I have never even heard this song. I was just trying to find something relating to this game and while looking at a list of Christmas Carols this popped out at me. After checking that it wasn’t written by R. Kelly I saw that it was a legitimate carol, and I decided it would be quite applicable to the Colts who are losing-virgins for the time being this season. It’s really tempting to take the Broncos here, but I can’t do it. (Colts)

Jaded:   Here are the facts: Archie Manning finished his career with a 35-101-3 record (three ties, really?).  Eli Manning is a strong candidate for Down Syndrome research.  The other brother is an unknown with no obvious talents.  Anybody else starting to think that Peyton may have been immaculately conceived??  (Colts)

Chargers (9-3) @ Cowboys (8-4)
Indignant: “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” – Jeez! Could there be a more pretentious, boring, unsatisfying, piece of crap anywhere in the world? Yeah, and this Christmas carol is lame too. God, I hate the Cowboys. (Chargers)

Jaded:  I’m going to counter Indignant’s suggestion with my own suggestion, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time Of the Year.”  Tony’s career December QB rating is an amazing 71.60!  To put that in perspective, Jay Cutler’s QB rating this year is 75.3.  I may hate Christmas, but it’s the only time of the year where I’m actually happy to run into a Dallas fan.  (Chargers)

Dolphins (6-6) @ Jaguars (7-5)
Indignant: “Jingle Bells” – So here’s the thing—I figured I really should use Jingle Bells but couldn’t find anywhere to fit it in. Then I realized I feel the same way about these two teams. They’re both inexplicably in the playoff race; they both remain competitive despite their utter lack of talent or any discernible identity; and they both have to be inserted into playoff talks even though they are utterly uninteresting. (Jags)

Jaded:   I’m pretty sure I would rather watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” than sit through this game.  That’s saying something.  Then again, things get more interesting if Ricky Williams gets a visit from a Jamaican Santa this winter.  (Dolphins)

Jets (6-6) @ Bucs (1-11)
Indignant: “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” – Because the only thing worse than this God awful song could potentially be being forced to watch or even think about this game. I’d rather get run over by a Rex Ryan steamrolling towards a buffet line than have to care about this thing. (Jets)

Jaded:  Is there a fruitcake in the country Rex Ryan wouldn’t devour?  More importantly, is there a fruitcake in the country Rex Ryan HASN’T already eaten?  (Jets)

Lions (2-10) @ Ravens (6-6)
Indignant: “Silver Bells” – Well, there aren’t any Christmas carols about drug-ridden cities, murdering linebackers, dying industries, under-performing quarterbacks, disappointed fan-bases, or wet dreaming about Barry Sanders. Although, I think there are at least two or three R&B songs about all of the above. (Ravens)

Jaded:   Did you check the Hanukkah and Kwanzaa carols?  I feel like you’re not looking hard enough.  (Ravens)

Packers (8-4) @ Bears (5-7)
Indignant: “Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow” – I hope the heavens suddenly open up and drop 20-30 inches of snow on this game. Partly because that would be more interesting than the Bears getting massacred again. Also, I’d love to see it turn into a frigid deathly scene where players and fans have to cut open Cutler’s chin to crawl in for warmth, Star Wars Luke Skywalker-Tauntaun style. (Packers)

Jaded:  Again, I raise.  There are literally dozens of songs out there about spoiled children demanding Christmas gifts.  While I’m pretty sure asking for snow is nice, I’m equally as sure that Cutler is singing “I want (TO BE) a Hippopotamus BY Christmas” these days.  (Packers)

Panthers (5-7) @ Patriots (7-5)
Indignant: “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” – This song glorifies and deifies an outcast deer that is rightfully shunned because he is a weirdo deformed loser. He ultimately wins in the end. Not in spite of his deformity but because of it. Ladies and gentleman: Bill Billichek! (Patriots)

Jaded:   “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch” - And no, I’m not talking about Billichek; I’m talking about God for putting the Patriots on the Panthers schedule when losing is not making their draft pick any better.  (Patriots)

Rams (1-11) @ Titans (5-7)
Indignant: “Away in a Manger” – Mostly because just as the poor little baby Jesus is treated as a Leper and forcefully sequestered off into the back lot, the Rams need to be taken out back—out of sight our of mind and killed. (Titans)

Jaded:  “The Twelve Days of Christmas” – Not because Kerry Collins is drinking five whiskeys on the rocks, something that goes with the number four, the Rams are wishing for their third starting QB, Chris Johnson is aiming for two thousand all purpose yards, and the Rams are looking at the first overall pick.  This game fits that song because I’ve been staring at it so long trying to think of something interesting that I feel like a teenager waiting for Christmas.  (Titans)

Redskins (3-9) @ Raiders (4-8)
Indignant: “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” – This song is a pretty positive, uplifting and upbeat song that is still ultimately Crappy McCrapperton from Crapville, a.k.a. the Raiders.  The Raiders should enjoy the glee they discovered last week while it lasts. (Redskins)

Jaded:   (Insert something almost humorous about JaMarcus Russell and Tom Cable here.)  (Insert your laughter here because it’s the Holidays and you’re feeling generous and want me to feel good about myself here.)  Writers block my ass.  (Raiders)

Saints (12-0) @ Falcons (6-6)
Indignant: “I’ll be Home For Christmas” – The Saints will be home for more than Christmas. They’ll be chillin’ in the dome all the way up until late January, and because of that I don’t think anyone is touching them in the playoffs. That, plus the government is conspiring to bring joy to the city in New Orleans to make up for trying to drown all of its minorities. (Saints)

Jaded:  Yeah, I agree; the city of New Orleans needs a gift from the United States.  This year the Saints win a Super Bowl, next year Obama moves the Saints to a dome in Detroit, and two years from now they play their home games in Hiroshima.  The United States, everybody!  Who says Americans are greedy?  (Saints)

Seahawks (5-7) @ Texans (5-7)
Indignant: “Silent Night” – Mostly because silence is what overcomes my head when I try and think of anything remotely interesting about this game. The awesomely underachieving Seahawks can’t keep blaming injuries, and the perpetually mediocre Texans need to just fire Kubiak and get it over with. (Texans)

Jaded:   Much like King Harold needed Jesus, the Texans need Kubiak to blame.  Who do they throw into the manger when the Texans can’t break .500 without him?  (Texans)

Eagles (8-4) @ Giants (7-5)
Indignant: “Baby it’s Cold Outside” – Because one, this is one of the few of these songs I actually enjoy (Zooey Deshanel sings a version in Elf). Second, it’s going to be cold in NYC and Eli will probably be very perplexed when he can see his own breath and thinks that it’s from the cigarettes he found in his moms purse and ate. (Eagles)

Jaded:  Andy Reid got a contract extension for Christmas and Michael Vick got two TDs—what exactly does McNabb get out of this?  I didn’t know a career of mediocrity was a hot Black Friday item this year. (Giants)

Cardinals (8-4) @ 49ers (5-7)
Indignant: “O’ holy Night” – This has credence here because for one, it’s a night game; but that is obvious and lame. More importantly though, Mike Singletary should maybe wear two or three more crosses around his neck for this one because winning against the Cardinals and delaying their inevitable winning of the division would be the last big sanctimonious hurrah for a crashing and burning 49er team. (49ers)

Jaded:   Just as it took me 13 weeks to realize the Cardinals are legitimate, it took me 14 picks to realize that my disdain for Christmas is actually toppled by Indignant’s.  You learn something new everyday. (Cardinals)