The REAL Story Behind The Tiger Woods Story

(Photo Caption: Tiger discussing what he got number 11,812 to do)

The Real Truth Behind the Tiger Woods Story

It was the end of 2002 and Tiger had been dominating the PGA tour like no one ever before him and possibly like no one ever will.  Tiger didn’t just own the golf course; he owned the sporting world in general, the TV with all of his many commercials, radio spots, endorsements and his Q rating was through the roof.  A man that thrives on competition suddenly found out that he had none.  On January 12^th of 2003, Tiger began to set new goals.

After intentionally injuring his ACL so he would have something to do for a couple years Tiger found himself bored as he was well on his way to taking the PGA tour over… again.   He then was introduced to his soon to be wife Elin and decided that he would take the husbanding and parenting world by storm.  After a whirlwind courtship, marriage and two darling children Tiger had conquered what he set out to do once again and, once again, found himself without any competition in the autumn of 2005.

Then Tiger picked up the book that would change his life.  Tiger thought he had conquered all things sport until he picked up Wilt Chamberlin’s autobiography and read that Wilt had slept with 20,000-plus women and Tiger set a goal that day.  After an under the table, anonymous deal with Trojan condoms Tiger was off to conquer one of the few unbreakable records in sports: Tiger was going to make Wilt look like a virgin. 

Jump forward to 2009 and Tiger was well on his way to his 30,000 women goal.  After a brief stop at the Outback Steakhouse in Tuscaloosa Tiger had met number 18,239 (she prefers to go by Jessica) and was feeling pretty good about himself.  Tiger needed to stock back up on supplies so he headed over to Sam’s Club to pick up more of his free Trojans.  Once again, a printed publication changed Tiger’s life.

Tiger saw the US weeklies and the other dirt magazines and witnessed Brangelina on half of the covers and Jennifer Anniston on the other looking sad over still being single.  Tiger felt jealous over not being featured on any of them and debated whether he should try and get on some of these covers.  Ultimately Tiger decided this was a poor idea.

But as the last super-economy pack of Trojans was scanned in by a mortified checkout girl, Tiger felt something foreign in the pit of his stomach.  He was lost in the sad eyes of Jennifer Anniston and wondered why people were reveling in her solitude since Pitt dumped her and he felt sadness.  Intense sorrow consumed Tiger and he decided that this girl, who is absolutely adorable, deserved to be left alone for a while.

A week after Tiger made up his mind in the checkout aisle he rolled over and said to 19,329 (she goes by Eva) “how would you like to make some serious money off of this?”  Eva (number 19,239) looked up at Tiger with a gleam in her eye like she had done not 12 minutes before and said “of course!”

With Tiger’s permission she sold her story to the dirt sheets and the rest, as they say, is history.  Tiger Woods: World’s greatest golfer, father and husband; Savior to a lonely, middle-aged woman; Patriot.  Feel free to talk about him as its all part of the plan.  When you go to the store next time count how many times Anniston and her loneliness and baby-less self is up there: It’s all Tiger, and that’s what he wants.  Much like Phil Mickleson, we’re playing his game.

All joking aside, nine women have stepped forward and claimed to be one of Tiger’s non-golf conquests.  Unless these women are REALLY not the kind of girl you take home to mom there are at least nine more women out there.  In all the years I’ve seen Tiger, I’ve never known him to play anything less than 18 holes.