A Night Of Fantasy Football Ecstasy

What could be better?

Winning the lotto?

Or having nine mistresses like Tiger Woods?

Doesn’t that qualify as a harem?

I digress.

The only thing better than winning in reality competitive sports is winning at fantasy competitive sports.

As you read from previous entries, I have a great team but I have been taking on more water than the Titanic.

After a 6-2 start, Steaming Cup of Joe lost 3 of its next 4 to stand at 7-5. This included a 2.3 point heartbreaking loss due to Lendale White vulturing a touchdown from CJ28 (Chris Johnson) and Kris Brown missing a field goal which could of sent the Texans-Titans game to overtime.

That one left a bad taste in my mouth.

The ‘Bury league is the most competitive league I have been in. Nine teams were still alive for six playoff spots going into the last regular season game.

Who would be left standing after the dust settled?

I prayed to the Fantasy Football gods that I would be going to the postseason.

I would be facing the Encroachments, a team led by the toughest damn girl in our league, Katie (she is also the only girl in our league). We battled earlier in the season with me coming out on top (insert punch line here).

I held on to a 25 point victory. Sounds like a lot, but due to a rules loop hole I was thanking my lucky stars. Eddie Royal ran back not one but two kicks for TD’s on Monday night.

I was sweating like Tiger Woods at the Bunny Ranch.

I checked the rules and consulted with the commish. The player doesn’t get the scores only the defensive unit.

*Exhale*

I informed Katie of this. I felt bad for her. It was like watching a little kid drop their ice cream on the ground.  They look so disappointed.

However, Katie used language that most sailors and trucker drivers would cringe from.

Gotta love a fiery woman!

The Encroachments and Steaming Cup of Joe would be on a collision course yet again.

On line was playoff positioning and aspirations.

I visited my favorite drinking hole, the Skybox with some buddies, to watch all the games.

Silos of beer and appetizers were spread across the table in a perfect marriage of cardiac arrest and chaos.

Blackberrys, IPOD Touches, and Laptops were fired up and ready to report potential fantasy football ecstasy or misery.

Luckily, I was so enthralled in the performance of Carson Palmer, Ocho, CJ28, Marques Colston, and the Philly D, that I refused to let the Patriots road implosion bother me.

One loss for the Pats does not equate Fantasy Football glory and splendor!

Philly D pitching a shutout!

CJ28 having a decent game.

OchoCinco yelling “Child Please” at the Detroit secondary as he lit them up!

I was doing Milli Vanilli chest bumps with another Marques Colston owner.

I knew I was in a dogfight with Drew Brees throwing for 1,000 miles against the Redskins.

I went home for the 4pm games to witness Steve Smith (NY Giants version) drop passes and Frank Gore posting “Laurence Maroney” like numbers.

I didn’t like my chances the rest of the way. I had Ryan Longwell and Jermichael Finely left. She had Anquan Boldin and Mason Crosby.

I was already preparing for another loss and playing in the first round of the playoffs.

The fat lady was warming up.

Bye. Bye. BYE.

Ryan Longwell and the rest of the Vikings offense were getting spanked by the Cardinals. Anquan Boldin was playing like Larry Fitzgerald posting 7 catches for 98 yards and two scores.

I shut the game off it was over. I texted Katie, “Good Game.”

I got up the next morning and realized that Boldin didn’t do a damn thing in the second half!

I was down by nine points with Packers hybrid TE, Jermichael Finley, going against Katie with Green Bay kicker, Mason Crosby.

After all world tightend Owen Daniels went down with a season ending injury, I picked up Finley off the waiver wire. Ever publication said he had a lot of skill and a true “sleeper”.

Well Jermichael wake me up before you go-go!

It all came down to Monday night yet again.

Victory=division title, first round bye, and guaranteed loot.

Loss=4^th seed and no promise of making any moola back.

I will take the former, thank you very much.

Finley and the Pack came out like gangbusters! Rodgers found JF88 for a score.

I was now holding a lead of .20 points at the half. That’s two tenths of a friggin’ point!

A field goal or extra point and I was toast.  I was hoping Crosby would miss again to deduct points from Katie’s score.

Heartburn was flowing within me like hot molten lava. I couldn’t sit down. I was pacing back and forth.

Fantasy Football was “Killing Me Softly”; I could hear Lauryn Hill and the Fugees in the background.

Then it happened. The Fantasy Football Gods struck. They poked me in the eyes and pulled my shirt over my head. They pointed and laughed at me.

JF88 was injured. He went to the locker room. I was D-O-N-E.

Last time I felt this way was when Plaxico “I shot myself” Burress hauled in the winning touchdown against the Patriots to ruin their perfect season.

Packers fans were calling me a jinx. Finley gets hurt. The Ravens started to gain momentum.

Then the rise of JF88 like a phoenix from the ashes.

It was like Kirk Gibson hobbling up to the plate and taking the Eck deep.

Aaron Rodgers found JF88 again taking advantage of the apparent mismatch. Finley scored his second touchdown of the night.

I think my girlfriend is deaf because I was crying and moaning that my fantasy football dreams were fading fast (like she really cared).

It’s like when guys are sick, we are BIG BABIES. Fantasy football is no different. We become an INSTANT INFANT.

JF88 found the end zone and I found happiness.

Ironic, how #88 is my favorite number?

Divine intervention?  Hmmmm.

I held on to a 156.45 to 151.15 victory.

Another battle of the ages with the toughest woman in Fantasy football and I barely survived! Hats off to you Katie! You are a noble adversary.

Now it’s off to the playoffs b*tches!!!

Joe Gill is a featured blogger for Boston Sports Then and Now, Rootzoo.com and Trufan.com