Classless Predictions: Playing The "IF" Game

Dr. JadedDec 6, 2009

Jaded: 106-48
Indignant: 91-63

Indignant: Playing the “IF” game..
Jaded: Mailing it in…AND playing the IF game…

49ers (5-6) @ Seahawks (4-7)
Indignant: IF the 49ers can win this game; and if the Turdinals lose to the Vikings, they will have a chance to play for the division lead next week. I’d believe anything is possible when I’m staring into Alex Smith’s baby blues. . Umm. . I mean Football! Boobs! Sex with women! (49ers)

Jaded: IF the Seahawks didn’t have Hasselback this season, can anybody say they would have a worse record? (49ers)

Broncos (7-4) @ Chiefs (3-8)
Indignant: IF the Broncos win this week they can continue to make everyone in the media start believing in them again, while they forget how they crapped the bed for the whole middle part of the season. I can’t wait for Brandon Marshall to snap and karate kid Moreno or Orton. (Broncos)

Jaded: IF the Broncos don’t win this week they wasted their time firing Shanahan. This kind of team needs a coach that gets them ready for smallish to mediocre games – when playing in the AFC West, that strategy can get you a TON of wins. (Broncos)

Bucs (1-10) @ Panthers (4-7)
Indignant: IF the Panthers hadn’t forced Delhere’stheball to pretend his finger was hurt, they’d have to continue starting him. It’s sad when Matt Moore is a step up. I think he’s faking that injury so Steve Smith would stop parking outside of his house every night with his shotgun. (Panthers)

Jaded: IF Jake? IF Matt? Meh, IF I had wheels I’d be a wagon… (Panthers)

Chargers (8-3) @ Browns (1-10)
Indignant: IF the Chargers don’t win this game, they should probably just commit mass suicide by drinking some Cleveland City tap water. (Chargers)

Jaded: IF the Browns draft another first round failing QB the whole city is going to drink that tap water at once…led by Tim Couch cult style? (Chargers)

Cowboys (8-3) @ Giants (6-5)
Indignant: IF the Cowboys win this game, they should probably just have a big ceremony and celebrate like it’s a Super Bowl win; because if the down slide doesn’t start this week, it’s still imminent. (Giants)

Jaded: IF the Giants win this game the Coughlin press conferences on TV all week will be insufferable. Tomlin gave a GREAT ‘give em hell’ speech last week, I don’t need to see Tom try to top it. (Cowboys)

Eagles (7-4) @ Falcons (6-5)
Indignant: IF the Eagles lose this week we can all enjoy another December filled with “It’s time for Andy Reid and Donovan to move on” talks by the Philly fans. Here’s to mocking their unfounded and annoying self-loathing. (Falcons)

Jaded: IF the Eagles win this week we’re one step closer to the Warner vs. McNabb NFC Championship game robbing us of Brees vs. Favre. These things never work out for us. (Eagles)

Lions (2-9) @ Bengals (8-3)
Indignant: IF the Lions can somehow manage to win this game, the cities of Detroit and Pittsburgh will both be happy at the same time for the first time since the Carter Administration.
(Bengals)

Jaded: IF Red Wings fans knew their football team had the potential to help Pittsburgh I’m pretty sure they would riot. (Bengals)

Patriots (7-4) @ Dolphins (5-6)
Indignant: IF the Patriots lose this game, Bill Bellichek might give less than a 1-word answer in a press conference, if that’s possible. (Patriots)

Jaded: IF the Patriots lose this game, I picture Bill Bellichek getting into a car accident near the stadium and Tom Brady using a 9-iron to help get him out of the car. And yes, I just accused Bill of cheating on Tom with losing. (Pats)

Raiders (3-8) @ Steelers (6-5)
Indignant: IF what Mike Tomlin means by “unleashing hell” means beating the Raiders then when I tell my girlfriend “I’m going to do you like you’ve never been done before,” I mean thrusting a half-hard chub into her for 45 seconds, then curling up in the fetal position and singing lullabies. Yep, that’s about right. (Steelers)

Jaded: IF the Raiders don’t win this game then I wasted 3 hours of my life, in the Pittsburgh snow, at a shitty game for NOTHING. Welcome to my life. (Steelers)

Rams (1-10) @ Bears (4-7)
Indignant: IF anyone cares about this game at all, please let me know so I can tell you why you’re dumb. JayCutlersChins JayCutlerschins JayCutlersChins…(Bears)

Jaded: IF the Bears lose this game it’s bye-bye Lovie. (Bears)

Saints (11-0) @ Redskins (3-8)
Indignant: IF the media doesn’t shut up about this being a “trap” game, I am going to go ballistic and start hurting people. Starting with. . . Wait a minute, I have close to zero human contact in my daily life. I’ll throw my remote!(Saints)

Jaded: IF I could care less about this game I would be amazed. (Saints)

Texans (5-6) @ Jaguars (6-5)
Indignant: IF either of these teams is ever a nationally relevant playoff and/or Super Bowl contender, I will eat my hat. (Texans)

Jaded: IF these teams have played twice, they’ve played a hundred times. I feel like these guys play every other week. Games that remind me of baseball hurt my head. (Jags – But I suck at calling these games)

Titans (5-6) @ Colts (11-0)
Indignant: IF the Titans can somehow pull out this upset and continue their streak, I will wet my pants. Multitude-of-fluids-style. (Titans)

Jaded: IF Vince Young could convince his shrink to hypnotize him into thinking he was playing Matt Leinart every week he would be a MUCH better QB. Here’s to hoping these two get a reality show in the off-season. (Colts)

Vikings (10-1) @ Cardinals (7-4)
Indignant: IF the Football God’s don’t repay the 49ers for the early season “hail-Favre” pass by making sure they beat the Cardinals then I will start refusing to sacrifice dead kittens to them every week. (Vikings)

Jaded: IF Favre can’t win in Arizona is there a chance Goodell passes a rule that Favre plays all of his away games in Hawaii next year? It’s about the only warmer place he could be playing in December.(Vikings)

Ravens (6-5) @ Packers (7-4)
Indignant: IF the Packers don’t figure out a way to protect Aaron Rodgers they will probably lose. What? You wanted some sort of snarky or uninteresting attempt at humor to go along with this pick? OK., Ray Lewis is a criminal; Donald Driver is old; The City of Baltimore is filled with drug dealing murderers; Green Bay is a city filled with fat-ass, ignorant farmers and mill workers. IThankya. (Packers)